silent_tsol
New Here
I hate introductions, even e-introductions. Especially when I'm such a mess, I just can't get the story out the way I want to.
So where did it all start?
I didn't realize I had any issues until...2010. I had a perfectly normal childhood as far as I was concerned and life was going on just fine. 2010, I find out my boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me. I was completely devastated and spiraled out of control. I wasn't eating, sleeping, or really functioning at all. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't get the thoughts, feelings, images out of my mind.
Eventually I saw a counselor at my college. I was such a mess though, I can't remember anything from August (when I was told) until October. Eventually my counselor convinced me to see a doctor for the panic attacks. I was very hesitant towards seeing a doctor (needle-phobia) and the possibility of medication (my sister, diagnosed with bi-polar has abused her meds for years - I was worried of becoming that).
At first, I was ok accepting my diagnosis (generalized anxiety disorder) because it was the boyfriend that caused it. It wasn't a *fault* of mine, I have a tendency towards high perfectionist standards for myself. I do think the cheating was the cause of the panic attacks but the rest of the anxiety seemed familiar.
I was a very worried and fearful child, for reasons I'm still not sure of yet. I was always afraid of being unsafe, I would check to make sure the doors were locked before going to bed, I had reoccurring dreams of the house catching fire, I hid things (thoughts, feelings) from my parents that most children would have no reason to.
I started seeing a new therapist late 2011, (the other one didn't have a lot of appointment availability). Things have been going well there, but new feelings have been coming up. Memories, that I never really remembered but I seem to have become fixated on. One, isn't really a memory, more of a worry formed by feelings and some newly found facts from when I was very young. I'm not ready to really go into it, but if there is real-ness to it, it's horrible. The other one is more recent, and I guess it's mostly a gut feeling that "something is wrong". Again, it could be a bad, bad situation.
Just this month, the boyfriend (same one) and I have taken a break, or broken up. So now I feel like I'm right back to when he told me he cheated. Things had been going well between us. I felt like we were really recovering, I was getting past it. Now I'm just a whirring mess of panic and confusion. I don't feel like I know anything now, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like everything I once new is lost.
So where did it all start?
I didn't realize I had any issues until...2010. I had a perfectly normal childhood as far as I was concerned and life was going on just fine. 2010, I find out my boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me. I was completely devastated and spiraled out of control. I wasn't eating, sleeping, or really functioning at all. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't get the thoughts, feelings, images out of my mind.
Eventually I saw a counselor at my college. I was such a mess though, I can't remember anything from August (when I was told) until October. Eventually my counselor convinced me to see a doctor for the panic attacks. I was very hesitant towards seeing a doctor (needle-phobia) and the possibility of medication (my sister, diagnosed with bi-polar has abused her meds for years - I was worried of becoming that).
At first, I was ok accepting my diagnosis (generalized anxiety disorder) because it was the boyfriend that caused it. It wasn't a *fault* of mine, I have a tendency towards high perfectionist standards for myself. I do think the cheating was the cause of the panic attacks but the rest of the anxiety seemed familiar.
I was a very worried and fearful child, for reasons I'm still not sure of yet. I was always afraid of being unsafe, I would check to make sure the doors were locked before going to bed, I had reoccurring dreams of the house catching fire, I hid things (thoughts, feelings) from my parents that most children would have no reason to.
I started seeing a new therapist late 2011, (the other one didn't have a lot of appointment availability). Things have been going well there, but new feelings have been coming up. Memories, that I never really remembered but I seem to have become fixated on. One, isn't really a memory, more of a worry formed by feelings and some newly found facts from when I was very young. I'm not ready to really go into it, but if there is real-ness to it, it's horrible. The other one is more recent, and I guess it's mostly a gut feeling that "something is wrong". Again, it could be a bad, bad situation.
Just this month, the boyfriend (same one) and I have taken a break, or broken up. So now I feel like I'm right back to when he told me he cheated. Things had been going well between us. I felt like we were really recovering, I was getting past it. Now I'm just a whirring mess of panic and confusion. I don't feel like I know anything now, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like everything I once new is lost.
