Supporter It Hit The Fan, So I'm Here

[Aly1380]

Hey everyone. I'm the girlfriend of an Army veteran with combat PTSD. It hit the fan last weekend & I'm trying to get my bearings & need people who "get it" since nobody around me (besides his battle buddies) understand.
I've known him for 20 yrs (met when I switched schools in 8th grade), lost touch after high school, reconnected via MySpace 10 years ago, started hanging out periodically beginning 4 years ago when we were getting divorced at the same time, he was there as my friend when I dealt with a traumatic situation involving one of my daughters 2 1/2 years ago, and we've been together now for a little more than a year & a half.
Long story short last weekend he lost it, I left his house & as I was walking out told his daughter (12) she could leave with me to go down the street where my kids were playing with a neighbor's kids. He didn't like that & about 15 minutes later came down to his sister's where I was (she lives across the street from neighbor's where kids were playing), busted through her door, and after she told him not to come in her house like that, shoved her to the ground, put his pistol to her head, threatened to shoot her, and then started for me threatening to shoot me when I told him to get off her.
I understand that's not him. Friends think I'm stupid for even trying. To me, though, he's not just some a-hole who's abusive & whatnot, so if him going back to counseling (which worked well for him before) will help get things back to ok, then it's worth trying.
So um yeah. It hit the fan, I don't have people in my life who understand, so I'm here.

 

[Casey_03]

To be honest, even if you understand his reasons for acting this way and realize he is not just some abusive a-hole, you might need to take a step back. Putting his pistol to someone's head is not something to be taken lightly, and if you go back to him too soon things could only get worse. Even if no one wants that, and even if he is the best guy on earth. Also, I don't think you should be the person trying to put things back on track; I think you need to leave that up to him.

 

[Aly1380]

Thank you. I understand all of that, and he is doing everything he can right now. He's already met with the PTSD clinic to get himself back into counseling and to get back on meds (which helped during his divorce & hopefully will help with the depression he's had for the past 6 months), and I'm going to counseling on my own as well. He's also gotten the ball rolling for us to get into couples counseling. I'm not trying to sweep this under the rug or act like it never happened. I talk to him, but I'm not physically seeing him right now. He needs to take care of himself, and I need to take care of myself right now.
Thanks again for your reply.

 

[Casey_03]

No problem, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything. I wish you the best. One of my traumas comes from a guy who snapped and did something similar to this ... so I'm just extra cautious and want you to look out for yourself first and foremost. We are all here for you!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If he is putting a gun to someone's head, he needs to be sectioned. No if's and's or but's about it! It does NOT matter if this was a part of PTSD. He could have killed someone. He would have ruined his life, and possibly caused traumatic effects (including PTSD) in everyone in that room.

At this point, it is indeed time to play hard ball. Not all sufferers take well to this sort of approach, but when someone is going to threaten another's life in this manner, you have no choice.

PTSD is no excuse for this sort of behavior. Your friends may not understand, but in this case, I think they're right.

So you understand that's not him. Really, this has nothing to do with it. He put a gun to someone's head. He threatened to kill them. I don't care if he has some weird virus that makes him point guns at people's heads. In the end, it doesn't matter. You can't excuse all of this behavior away by saying "its not him".

Its not his fault that he has PTSD, but it IS his responsibility to get better. He's NOT taking responsibility for himself. If you stay with him, your putting your life in danger and that of your child. (Is that fair? For you to put your kids life in danger? No, I really don't think so. Your responsibility is to your child and to protect your child. Do the right thing and protect your child.)

 

[Friday]

I don't think you're stupid for trying... But having been there, attacking people I love? From another vet, dude is seriously off the reservation. That's usually he last thing we'd ever do (unless still half asleep). More typically, when we start getting that edgy, that's when we haul ass for parts unknown, so that we don't go ballistic & f*ck our families up. So I'm worried about all y'all.

Your first responsibility is to you & the kids. Both for obvious reasons, and because that's the single best way to have his back.

Has he been diagnosed, in therapy, on/off/changing meds? What's happened since he went off the rails? VA, VetCenter, private Hosp.? Who is in the loop on this one?

 

[Aly1380]

He was previously diagnosed & went through therapy as well as meds. He hasn't been doing anything to treat it lately, and I've been trying to help the best I can, as well as reaching out to his battle buddies so they can gauge where he's at. Lately he's been extremely depressed - he doesn't have a job, was going to school through voc rehab, but got behind on child support & lost his drivers license due to CS delinquency in November which in effect meant he can't go to school. Losing school $ then meant he can't pay bills, and I've stepped in & taken care of that...which makes him feel like he's not a man, worthless, etc. and makes the depression worse. He won't admit that to me, won't discuss it when I ask, but I know he's talked about it to at least 2 of his buddies. He's got a real mistrust for the VA because his ex-wife subpoenaed his therapy records & tried to use them against him in the divorce, so he is worried about them doing the same if she takes him back to court now. The night of the incident the police were called & we asked that he be taken to the local hospital on basically a psych hold. The hospital was supposed to hold him for 96 hours; however, they apparently somehow weren't aware of that & did an eval & discharged him about 3 hours after the police left with him. The police then told us there was nothing further they could do unless he were to do something else. The person who did the consult at the VA PTSD clinic this past week recommended group anger management, which he declined bc he says those just become pissing contests & he'll get mad & wint actually get the help he needs. He requested individual therapy instead, along with an appointment to get back on Zoloft which worked well for him before.
The way he explained it to his buddy is that his papa bear switch was triggered when I took his daughter out of the house. He says she calms him down. However, lately he's been losing his temper more & more with her, she was scared, and she wanted to leave (she has never before opted to go anywhere with me as opposed to staying with him except to buy his Christmas & birthday gifts). It's also not exactly fair to burden a 12-year-old with calming down a grown man; that's his responsibility to do.
Again, I thank you all for your input & feedback.

 

[intothelight]

@Aly1380

Regardless of his diagnosis, the problems he is having, the trigger of having his daughter taken, there is NO excuse to pull a gun and put it to someone's head. He is seriously mentally ill right now and finding reasons why and validating his excuses is only enabling him. He needs serious help as he posses a danger not only to others but to himself. For those that love and care about him, it is time to get the help for him as he is clearly not in a position to help himself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but having PTSD myself, I know how off the rails it can take you sometimes. If my daughter hadn't intervened at a point, I wouldn't be here typing this. I wasn't homicidal, but suicidal, but regardless, I was anything but rational.

 

[Sammyiam]

He really needs to be put somewhere to get help. I have been in a similar situation with someone ( not my husband ) and i was so scared, it was one of the worst situations I remember. He needs to be put somewhere so he can get the help he needs, it could have gone so wrong and there could have been dead bodies. That's the whole picture you need to think about, if he had pulled the trigger and wrecked so many lives. Can you live with yourself if he goes off the rails again and doesn't stop this time.

I'm sorry for what you went through but you really need to look at what could of happened in a split second if he hadn't stopped, and now he has done it once it won't be as hard for him to do it again as he has already done it once, the second time is always easier.

Please get help
Don't let him have the chance to do it again. He should never have a gun in his hand again. Ever
Sammy

 

[Aly1380]

Thank you all. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone who knows more about PTSD than my friends, his family, and I do. I've asked him for space for now. I reassured him that I wasn't abandoning him, but this is a lot for both of us to work through & I just need some time while he works on himself & I work on me. Thank you all again!

 

[Aly1380]

Oh and we removed all guns from his house, took inventory of them all, and his friend has them locked in his safe until my boyfriend's dad takes them.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

Good move but don't depend on it. I'm army vet and former firearms instructor. He can pick up another in minutes and may well have a backup hidden. That man needs help that you are not able to give. Nor is it safe to try. I agree with itsKismet and the others. You must take yourself away from that threat unless you also want to deal with your own PTSD, which I doubt. It sounds like you are on the right track so stay that way until there is sufficient real proof that he is safe to be with. I won't try to suggest what that would be as I know nothing about your entire situation. Keep safe.