It is not about me..

[NewBeginnings]

i am tough as nails right now. I want to break down and cry or something and I have nothing- still years and I can't shed a tear yet I have so many reasons too.

I had an incredibly hard day and somehow it has just put me in this mode of no emotion - go through the motions- and be disconnected. I hate myself so much. I have screwed up and I am a horrible parent. And yet it is not about me but clearly I see and know how miserably I failed.

One of my children got into trouble (big trouble and nothing has really ever happened like this before) and I don't know how to handle it- It was a huge misunderstanding but the harm has been done. I need to be there as a mom and I know that but I can't figure out how to be there. My world has crashed around me and I am just in the middle of it all thinking it is surreal.

Everyone thinks I have it together because I am not showing that I a complete mess. I know people must think I have no clue on parenting and maybe I don't. I am not crying uncontrollably and yet I am breaking at my core. I can't do this. And it is not about me but I can't seem to figure out what to do. I am weak. I am afraid. I am so wimpy because parents all over experience challenges all the time and all I can come up with is that I want to crawl into a hole. I don't know how to handle it- and I used to be someone that could handle this stuff. Times like this bring me back to the awareness that I am different now and can't seem to navigate difficulties. I am faced with the fact that I will never be the same.

Not sure why I am posting but wishing I knew what to do even though it isn't about me.

 

[ladee]

In some ways it is about you, as you are the mom..... if you feel safe in sharing, maybe we can help with what the issue is and give you some feedback..... am glad you reached out, regardless of you choose to share or not... glad you are here and you are not alone...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am with @ladee on this, so glad you were able to come here and talk about it a little. There is so much help and support here and if you are able to continue to share what you are able we will not judge or condemn you. I am one of those who cannot cry and always wanted to be able to cry. Please do not give up on yourself now matter what. I am glad you had the courage to bring it here and I know that you do not have to go through this alone anymore. I too had troubles with my kids in not knowing how to do things when I needed to so I can relate to how you are feeling right now. Many hugs.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Thank you @ladee and @Rain.
I went deep inside because I didn't know what to do.

Here is a recap - sorry so lengthy.

This is really hard to post or talk about because of the situation. I don't have an outlet to talk about it. In short my oldest (teenage) son was with a group of friends and posted a highly inappropriate photo on social media. His intention (and of his friends) was never ill willed but only he and he friends really know that. The photo was highly suggestive of a threat to his school. Within our society where horrendous acts have occurred at school the entire situation got incredibly serious instantaneously. Everything was bad really fast. Social media spreads like wildfire. People were worried and horrified.

The situation was fully investigated and determined there was never any sort of bad intention and never any harm in any way. He actually thought that the photo would generate lots of shock but for completely different reasons. My son was suspended and we are trying to move forward. He took full responsibility and would not share the blame for the huge mistake and incredibly poor judgement.

I used to be over involved and I'm very well known especially at school. Everyone found out fairly fast and people look at me and my son differently. I get it. I can't handle the emotion of the situation so I got really numb. I am on hyper alert. I question how such a bad choice could have been made. I fear for his future reputation. I am scared that people who are not close enough to really knowing could consider that he was a threat. I fear for some fall out because of that. I failed as a parent. I want to be there for him- I know I have to be there for him and I am numb.
Since my world was turned upside down a few years ago- I don't see my friends much because I am just different. And now I can only imagine their impressions of my son and me.
I don't want to make this about me because it isn't but I am so lost and struggling so much. Yes I am the mom so it has affected me and I don't know how to draw the line. I should be strong and supportive.

I remember parts of high school and that crazy uncomfortable feeling. I needed an escape from all of it and f** ed up home life and tried to commit suicide. This has stirred up so many emotions that are so much worse than what I remember feeling. I hate that I feel so low. Of course there was no "safe" place for me then and I understand much much more now so intellectually I can reason that things are better but the feelings and insecurities and sense of failure are sky high. I want to be there for my son and not turn my back on and ignore my son as that is how my mum handled so much.

I see how I have unraveled by this and so frustrated with myself that I am not in a better spot. I was seeming to make progress with therapy and now I am hyper alert again and very cold and numb.

Thanks for listening.