Relationship It's December And Soon To Be January Again!!

[sisu]

I am not sure why, but my boyfriend goes through this slump every December and January. It's started a little earlier this year and even though he says he is not depressed - I know him and know he is. I have known this man for 4 1/2 years and in some ways I know him better than he knows himself. The first year I flipped out when he started into his slump. I didn't totally understand PTSD and thought it was something that I did. So I did all the wrong things ~ called him a lot, told him constantly how much I love him and tried to force reassurance from him. I was feeling vulnerable because of the unknown.

Fast forward to now and I totally get it ~ I saw the warning signs and I have not changed my behavior. This is where the egg shell walking comes into play. I cannot back off because he then thinks I don't care and his inner demons and insecurites take over. AND I cannot act more loving or different because he will feel smothered and want to hide.

So far this has worked...keeping everything the same and even though I know something is bothering him I have to ignore the elephant in the room. He acts the same towards me, calls me the same amount, sees me the same amount, tells me he loves me the same amount and shows affection the same amount. He is trying to be "normal" too. It's so crazy because I know something is wrong and I am sure he feels like something is wrong with him.....but in order for everything to be okay we need to ignore it right now. Then when he feels better and is coming out of the slump we can address it.

His PTSD has caused him to have a lot of insecurites and self-loathing. He has a terrible internal dialogue to himself because he doesn't feel good about himself. These feelings get worse for him this time of year and this is when he starts thinking...."she deserves someone better than me"...etc. He hasn't gone there yet and I am trying to avoid that this year.

I did have a talk with him last night in a sort of veiled way.....I talked about my cousin and her husband having problems but used our story. That way it didn't seem like it was about "us" but it really was. This method has also worked for me in the past, but I feel sort of guilty for doing it.

So...any advice on getting through this. Am I doing the right things? Am I doing the wrong things? I feel like I have a handle on it ~ but in some ways I feel like I am looking through the window and sort of detached from it all and trying not to feel those negative emotions.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sisu- I think all supporters understand the turmoil that you are experiencing.

Do not feel guilty about using your own scenario and labeling it as someone else in order to get him to open up. If it keeps the line of communication going, then you are simply utilizing the experiences to show him how it looks in a non threatening manner. Nothing at all wrong with that. Even those of us (well I do anyways) with ptsd often find ourselves doing that to our supporters, because they cant understand how it looks from our point of view.

The great thing is- after 4+ years, you are still holding on. And that is beautiful!

 

[sisu]

He really is an amazing man.....he has combat ptsd from his time in the military but he grew up in a family with 4 sisters. So he is a mans man, but loves to bake and cook. He is really quite a contradiction. :p If he could ever see what I see, he would never think bad thoughts about himself. I would never want to change this man ~ I love him exactly how he is....ptsd and all.

I will continue to do what I am doing and hope for the best. I want to avoid "the black hole" this year. When I freaked out the first year and did all the wrong things, we did break up. We did not talk for 2 years....no calls, email, nothing. We reconnected in May 2010 and it was as if we picked up where we left off.

Maybe since you have ptsd simplekindofgirl, you can help me with something else. The other thing he does during this "slump" is take his match.com profile out of hiding. He doesn't pay the fee, so he can't really contact anyone ~ and he doesn't go on dates or talk to anyone....but it's still there. He doesn't even go on it very much - it says the last time logged in on the profile. It re-appeared yesterday morning. I check for it when I see him starting his slump because I know his system. It's really stupid for him to do and he doesn't know I know it exists...and it will go away after his slump. I think it is some sort of ego boosting thing for him because it is during this time that his self-esteem takes a nose dive...apparently you can get "winks" even if you don't pay for the membership. I mentioned this in the veiled way last night ~ I told him my cousin found her husbands dating profile online. I said that I couldn't believe someone would put one of those things up when they are in a relationship or marriage. Again ~ I want to just say..."why are you doing this every time you feel low? it hurts me to see that re-appear". I read his description of what he is looking for ~ and it is exactly what we have.

Maybe I am being an idiot ~ but I do see a pattern in his behavior during the slump. I don't like the pattern I see, but know I cannot confront it head on right now.

Any thoughts on this??

Thank you so much!! :)