Sexual Assault It's my second memory.

[ShodokanJenn]

So my first memory is of the fight that led my mom to take me and leave my dad. I was 3.5, but I remember it crystal clear and always have. I've verified my memory with both parents so I know it is accurate.

Second memory? It is of the first time my mom's dad touched my genitals. Third is of the first time he penetrated me. Fourth is of the first time he flat out raped me, when I was almost 4. All four are crystal clear and always have been. I haven't described the actual abuse part of the memories to my mom, but I have described everything else, like the little details of the house. She has verified that all of that stuff. So I really have no reason to doubt these memories.

The problem? I have maybe ten or fifteen memories up until age twelve that didn't involve sexual assault and/or rape and/or physical abuse and/or the ritual abuse stuff.

It just seems so unfair that almost all of my childhood memories involve sexual abuse/assault/rape or whatever else you care to call it. People are always saying things like "I loved Mrs. O in third grade. Didn't you?" and I am left thinking "no clue, but I remember that around that age is the first time I remember seeing a man give him money after a particularly brutal rape." The positive stories I can tell from my childhood are almost exclusively based on things family or friends have said to me as an adult.

How do you reconcile a life where the second thing you remember from your whole life is being molested by someone who is supposed to love you and protect you?

 

[Bristol]

I could have wrote your post, i remeber nothing but the rubbish up to the age of 10 and then nothing but bad stuff again up to 17, i have long wandered how my friends from school remeber every little detail and i have nothing, i have no idea who my teachers were until i was 10.

I have no advice because im the same stage of you, accepting that i knew more about sex than maths as a kid and that makes me different but im hoping eventually it becomes maybe less of a void? Not sure, but your not alone

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I cannot relate to having a ton of csa, I do have at least a year's worth of that. But I do have this issue where even fond memories trigger me because of my stepfather always being there with the threat of death, all the bullying and verbal abuse. I faked normal. I faked the weekend stories. I did say that we had pecan pie for thanksgiving. I did not say how my step father threw a chair at me. That makes me diff. I still have to fake this as an adult. I can't just be open about abuse like at work or whatever.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My first memory I had involved ritual abuse at three years old. Then my memory jumped to age ten where I was raped and had an abortion. Nothing in between those years came to me until 22 years later.

Twenty-five years later and I'm still remembering what happened during the years between three and ten.

I've come to terms that my father was my main sexual perpetrator. It took me five years to accept that. And about the same to accept that he was a serial killer.