I've Had To Move Back Home. It's Making Everything Worse.

[UpTillDawn]

I was 13 when the first incident occurred. I moved out at 17 and spenta few years away from home, but in the past year depression has kicked in. I'm not functioning well and money became an issue so I had to move back home. Hoping to get back out in a year or so. Apparently this was fine with my family... in fact, they were the ones who offered. I've had to reduce the hours I'm working but I still pay for my own things; I'm just taking up the small corner bedroom.

I still get triggered. Normally this ends up with me dissociating and crying, or in a panic attack. I try to remove myself and stay in the room I'm living in, but one of my parents tends to follow me and berate me. Apparently if they kick me when I'm down something good will come of it? When I've been in a bad state I've gotten comments like:
"No, I don't give a shit. Why the hell would you think anyone cares about you?"
"Piece of shit."
"f*cking idiot."
"Stupid bitch."
"You're just going to fail at everything you do."
"You're a failure."
"I don't give a shit about you. Do whatever the hell you want."
"Why would I care if you die? You're ruining this family."

My father tells me to just get over my PTSD. He tells me that I should just compartmentalize it, like his work stress. His brother has PTSD/anxiety as well, but because he's 'dealing with it' (I think I've done pretty f**king well, though I'm still not doing good.), it's better. He was a police officer, and apparently what he went through is far worse than a kid being threatened and abused by someone in a position of power. He tells me to just 'get a hold of myself.' and that 'Everyone goes through stress.' Because PTSD is just the same as work stress.

My mother tells me I have 'no excuse' to have a panic attack, and I have to stop it. Just... stop it. I'll ask her to please leave me alone, but she won't. Afterwards I'll try to explain that berating me isn't helping any of my problems, and it stresses me out a lot. She starts yelling and screaming about how-dare-I-blame-her, and she's just traumatized by my issues. After all, she suffered too when it happened. Finding out about the abuse was harder than living it, I'm sure.
Today she told me she "doesn't know if she believes me." Apparently I'm the only problem in this house, so I'm probably just making it up.

It's just not a good situation, but I have no one else to turn to. If I leave (or they kick me out), I'm stuck on the streets. Honestly, I just want to die.

My depression is getting so much worse living here. It's as though they're repeating the thoughts I have so often about myself, but if someone in real life is saying, it has to be true...

 

[Ronin]

Would it help you to check your options about homelessness? You're where you are, as far as I know that country has at least some system of shelters, health insurance, and the like, in place. So there's a lot you can be researching before things escalate to that point - and it's still better to be homeless than dead. Homeless gets better, dead doesn't.

They're not worth you losing your life to them. They're losers, losers abuse other people. They're losers first and cowards second.

Hang on tight.

 

[TXbandit]

Hang in there hun. I went through the exact same thing with my father. " Mental illness is just made up because people can't get over shit" "Why can't you just get over it?"... the list goes on sadly. It took 17 years for him to finally GET it after seeing me have emergency room visits, several horrible panic attacks in front of him and wrecking my truck because of dissociation. Why the F did it take that long? No clue. I feel where you are coming from and it is extremely stressful and hurtful. I agree with @Kaia I would look at all my options. Do you have any friends that would take you in for a while until you can get on your feet?

:hug:s Keep your head up hun. We're all here to help.

 

[UpTillDawn]

Would it help you to check your options about homelessness?

That's true, and I probably should. The thought scares me, but at this point I have to admit it might be my best option.
Thank you.

 

[someo559]

Sounds in a lot of ways like my situation, you're definitely not alone. Luckily Im pretty much incapable of displaying any emotion outwards and i just dissociate so my parents (or anyone else for that matter) never get to see my reactions :)

What i try to do is to just keep working hard despite the problems (which on the other hand previously lead to a psychosis), and to get all the support I can. Its a difficult situation, but what you should at least do is to keep looking for any kind of support, and since it seems your parents are not the primary source of your trauma, it might maybe be possible to get them to understand you even if just a bit. Maybe you could try (or maybe not, just ideas :D) getting your fathers brother to talk to your father, and give your dad a small victory by "admitting" that his brothers trauma was far worse, but that since you were just a kid and still developing it lead to a different kind of subconscious damage. This might maybe also work with your mother, emphasizing that the reason for your problems is that you were still developing at the time and it had a more subconscious effect due to that.

One possibility might also be to go to psychiatrist (one with trauma expertise!!) or a trauma therapist with your parents, and have them explain things to your parents.

 

[shandemonium]

I second what @TXbandit said.

I ran away at 13 and ended up in the system. All the scary parts aside, I felt safer there than with my parents. I remember feeling safe for the first time there and didn't want to leave my first group home.

Plus, you're in Canada? Forgive my ignorance, but I've heard it's better up there for poor and homeless than down here. Even if you were in America, I would say a homeless shelter is better than what you are dealing with.

Some of us here are LITERAL War Vets, some of us are War vets in a different way. Your fam sounds like a war zone and it's time to get out of there!

 

[seedling]

It's as though they're repeating the thoughts I have so often about myself,

I think it's the other way around. Where do you think you learned those things?

If there's a way to leave this abusive environment, please do. It seems like they won't let you avoid them when you most need to and you're being re-traumatized.

Hang in there.

 

[Em C.]

If you're in Ontario and want to PM me I know a lot of great programs!

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like a grim situation you're living in. I'll echo what others have said: there may be options you don't know about, that would be better than staying where you are. If you are working, even part time, you're on a good track. Even with PTSD, you'd be better off away from people berating you all the time. You deserve better than that. It's just hard to remember that you do when you're being told you're worthless all the time.

I don't know what part of Canada you live in, but there are social programs you might not know about. See if you can get your name on a list for subsidized housing. It's based on need, and you seem to have a pretty strong need. Is there a women's centre where you live? They can probably tell you about that and other programs. It really doesn't have to go on like this.

 

[shimmerz]

Also, seeing if there is a DV centre anywhere close to you. They will provide you with someone to talk to so that your head doesn't spin so far that you buy into their lies.

 

[sun seeker]

One possibility might also be to go to psychiatrist (one with trauma expertise!!) or a trauma therapist with your parents, and have them explain things to your parents.

I don't know, they sound to be pretty invested in their denial. It's worth a try, but don't keep trying so long you're banging your head against the wall, okay?

 

[nic1633]

Welcome and I know we're all sorry to hear how unsupportive your family is! It seems like that environment is setup to constantly trigger you. Everyone has given you some great options. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to grasp onto your own healing.

It probably seemed kind at first that your parents would offer you a place to stay, but it's not fair that they're trampling over you and your feelings. What you've described is current abuse and you don't have to take it. It doesn't matter what they say. You have worth and deserve to be whole.

I'm learning for myself never to allow anyone to compare your trauma to someone else's. If it was enough to cause PTSD, then it obviously left a mark. Also, as others have noted, a child is much more susceptible to trauma because they may not understand what's happening to them. It's not the quantity of the past trauma. The only thing we can help is the here and now. Prioritize your safety and healing. You'll be surprised how much improvement can be attained in a short time.