Sufferer I've Seen A Lot During My Career

[BLHutch]

Hello,

I will give you the reader's digest condensed version of my story. I joined the fire department when I was 19. When I was 26, I made the shift over to law enforcement. In August, I had to leave law enforcement due to several back injuries over the years which caused me to develop degenerative disc disease. I handed in my badge on my 35 birthday. Luckily I went to college and grad school along the way and was able to pick up a Masters Degree in History. I had taught as an adjunct for several years before I had to leave the profession, and that is what I am back to doing now, though it is my only job these days.

I've seen a lot during my career. I've worked shootings, hurricanes, fatality car accidents, been shot at, etc. You name it. I've had nightmares off and on. I've distanced myself from my family and friends. In a way, it was a major contributing factor to the breakup of my first marriage. I thought I had things more or less under control. But within a week of handing in my badge, my life started to unravel. What had been the occasional nightmare turned into a nightly thing which has me both scared of the dark and scared to go to bed. It is like I have the never ending slideshow of all of the trauma I have seen which starts whenever I close my eyes.

I have this crushing inability to concentrate or focus. My memory is shot. I get angry over things that I would have just blown off in the past. I've experienced a couple of flashbacks which can be a bit unnerving to say the least.

I did start seeing a therapist after I had my first flashback. I was told that I had PTSD, which part of me already knew of course. It is of the cumulative variety, meaning that it is from the repeated traumatic instances over my career and not a single incident. Though my diagnosis is recent, I have been suffering for a long, long time and I can't even seem to remember what my personality was like before all of this.

The bright side of things is that I am married to a beautiful redheaded girl who has stood by me through all of this. I just have a lot of guilt over the fact that my PTSD is effecting her as well.

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome! Thank you for your years of service and I'm so sorry you have been going thru this. I'm glad you are in therapy, which should help considerably so it will get better. And how wonderful you have this lovely woman in your life. I don't know what I would have done without my unbelievably understanding and compassionate husband. See you around!

 

[franciemarnie]

BTW, as you may know, when your brain is on high alert, the part of your brain that thinks, uses language and accesses memory dims. But it's still there. Just in temporary shutdown.

 

[BLHutch]

All I can say is thank God for sticky notes. I'd be lost without them.

 

[quic]

Welcome and thank you for giving so much of your life to others. Hopefully others can help you now. While all PTSD sufferers share a common experience, you have painted a picture of a life I recognize better than most. I am glad you recognize how PTSD impacts your loved ones and that you have an amazing wife who is sticking with you.

Please pay special attention to your feelings of guilt. Most of us experience guilt and It appears that guilt tends to be a step towards healing. Becoming aware of guilt indicates a deeper awareness of your true feelings and a desire to change. The desire to change your life for your wife and yourself is a powerful force. If you’re working on the issues that need attention, the dominate negative feelings like guilt will start to lose their influence.

Have you seen the movie War Horse? There is an old farmer (war vet) in the first part of the film, who suffers from PTSD. His wife has a great perspective of his problem. She defends him, understands his need for isolation and even his drinking. She reminds her son that he is a hero, has seen unbearable things in his life and refuses to see himself as a war hero. She really understands him; she accepts him and his problem. The film reminded me that PTSD is not a new problem; families have been dealing with it for hundreds of years.

Supportive spouses like yours are gold, cherish her.

 

[BLHutch]

Thanks for the movie recommendation. I'll have to watch it. And thank you for your reply as well.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Abstract]

BLHutch,
Thank you for what you have done for others and welcome here.

It's interesting how often it seems the symptoms hit when people are away from the cause of the trauma or in a better place in their life. Not at all saying that this was a better place for you as I imagine it must have been extremely challenging to have your health deteriorate and no longer be able to work.

sticky notes.

For me it is my phone! I set reminders for absolutely everything....

 

[BLHutch]

When I was working, I dealt with everyone one case at a time or one call at a time. I'd have something that might bother me and give me nightmares for a couple of months, but it would pass eventually. (Usually to be replaced with something else more recent.) But literally about two weeks after my last day I woke up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare about something that happened 10 years ago. My therapist said it is because I have pushed all of this stuff so far down in my mind that now that I am no longer adding to it any more with new cases or calls, it is bubbling back up. Hence the worse PTSD symptoms now than I have ever had before.

It is interesting to say the least. All these years I did have symptoms but they were relatively minor. Now they are life changing. But you have to play the hand you are dealt in life. I got a "C" in Psychology when I was in college. I wish I had paid more attention! Luckily I have a good friend who is a Psych professor at the college where I am an adjunct. I can talk to her (in a non-therapist way) and she explains the science behind what it going on in my head.

I am low tech.....still use a flip phone. So it is sticky notes for me!

 

[StarChild]

Hi BLHutch! I too wanted to welcome you here on the myptsd forum!

 

[TampaBlonde]

Hi BLhutch!

This is my first posting or reply on here. I have never been in the industry where seeing things that no one should see are a part of your daily routine, but I can somewhat relate. For the past 20 years I have been at the wrong place at the right & wrong times during severe trauma situations.

I have experienced everything from pulling a 4 year old who drowned out of a lake to hitting a couple of pedestrians who walked out in front on me at night & died. There have been multiple other incidents where I have been a first responder. I have lost some, revived some, but all the while feeling the same anxiety and now I believe I have PTSD.

I just had a friend of mine found dead 2 days ago at home as I was on the way over to his house. Sometimes I feel that the stress of these situations will never go away.

At work I appear happy, life of my company, then I come home, isolate myself and find myself crying for no reason. I feel sad for the people that have lost their lives, angry that I have been placed into so many situations that called on me to be a responder. Then again grateful that I was able to save a life along the way too.

I'm not sure if this forum will help me get some clarification that the way I feel is normal and/or offer me a way to share my feelings.

I too have nightmares about various traumas I have experienced. I'm not sure yet what best advice is for you. Be grateful that you have a loving supportive spouse at home. Take with you the knowledge that you are not alone. I'm hoping that realizing there are others hurting also will help me find some closure on my emotional roller coaster. Sometimes it's easy to feel alone.

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome both of you