Journey To The Centre Of An Evil Girl......

[Kaii]

Last night I flipped out...

I had returned home from an appointment with the psychiatrist and he had increased my Celexa and added Clonazepam to the mix. He told me I could become "dependent" on it. So, to say that I was upset would be appropriate.

Anyway, long story short, my bf and I got into an argument about something unrelated and the "evil girl" appeared. She has been around more and more lately. The longer I have PTSD, the more she comes out. The evil girl yells, screams, provokes, intimidates, is unrelenting and is out of control. I hate her. She's such a bitch and a bully.

I hate who I have become...

 

[Reclusive]

Kaii - self hate is only going to make it worse. Realize that the 'evil girl' is really hurt and upset and she needs to be reassured and not so frightened. Try to find out what makes her react the way she does and see if you can solve or work around those problems. Ask her what she needs.

 

[eyebiter]

What works for me is to isolate myself and then try to think of how my better half is not at fault for what I think.
I have to have a conversation with myself, about what I am thinking is wrong and it will not make anything better. It has been a long road.
Talking to my spouse when I am not in the rage and letting her know that her reacting to my rage just makes it worse, we both have learnd to work with each other instead of against ourselves. Hope this makes some sense to you and will be a little help

 

[raye4]

I can understand completely where you're at. I've had that angry girl come out myself. It took me almost a year to deal with her. I hope she doesn't make a re-appearance. I feel it's all necessary to the healing process though. When the meds change or when you are first diagnosed it's shocking and scary. I used to cry when I had to pick up my refills and then I'd just be so darn mad that I had to live my life on pills--I know where you're at as far as "habit forming", I've been on those types of meds for so long now that if I run out--I feel worse than ever. Clonazepam didn't work for me. I've been on xanax for years and am up to 3mg a day. But I'd rather have the addiction than the anxiety for I know eventually I can fight the addiction and beat it--but I can't beat the PTSD. So that leaves me to wonder how long I should expect to be on them--for my abuser is in constant contact through our children and still has complete control over me or at least I feel like it. Just remind yourself of the fact that the evil girl--is not who you've become--she will be there until you heal a little more--and no--your friend doesn't deserve it--but you didn't either and I hope she understands!

 

[Philippa]

I do too...I hate how this thing has turned me into this angry, bitter twisted bitchy person at times, because it's not who I am. Other people don't know that though, and they go by their impressions. It seems that she has come out for me on this other forum I go to at times, though I genuinely don't realize I am being angry or bitchy...just blunt, which others tend to perceive as being angry, bitter etc.

Sometimes I don't know whether I am actually like this or it's just their perceptions of me that are skewed due to preferences in communication...but I also know that I have been very angry for years and that person does come out at times. Still, anger is a natural emotion to have when you have been through a lot. It's hard to forgive ourselves, but it's important to be willing to at least. I am just starting to make some progress in this area, though it's very small scrapings so far...still, better than nothing. I actually felt the first signs of feeling compassion for myself the other day...after 8 years of battling this damn thing.

It felt good.

I hope you can find some peace dear.

 

[Ted Moen]

Being from Michigan I always thought of it as when the snowball gets rolling :rolleyes: That other person would take over and all I could do was back off and watch the show. It is the feeling of losing control of our behavior, of not being able to not act out our ptsd symptoms. The old feelings would find a deserving target in my current situation and the snowball would begin gaining momentum. It usually started with a shred of truth. Somebody would do something a "true" friend wouldn't do. Some authority would do something I considered inappropriate. I would feel a "need" to bring this to their attention, to confront them. The intensity would snowball, I would lose control and kind of watch myself act out the situation. In the end I would be alone, guilty and confused by my own behavior and loss of control, wishing for a new friend, looking for a new job.

We have some very intense feelings stuffed into that other person.

We don't have to let that other person take over control of our behavior, but it takes participation in therapy and understanding our symptoms and learning to recognize them early in the process when the intensity is at a low enough level for us to use coping tools and manage our behavior in our current situation.

Ted