Sufferer Just Been Diagnosed And So Confused And Scared

[Moses]

Hi,
I have within the last few weeks been diagnosed with PTSD. I was originally seeing a CBT therapist for depression and a rape in my childhood came up in one of our sessions. She asked me if I ever had flashbacks. Since then, it is as if a can of worms has been opened. I am feeling worse now than when I first started the therapy ( although my therapist has said it may feel worse before it gets better).

I knew nothing at all about PTSD until recently, and think I may have been suffering from it for years without knowing. I can remember having to have a nap at school when I was about 5, every lunch time instead of going out in the playground with the other kids as my teachers said I spent a lot of my time daydreaming and they thought I must have been tired.

Over the last few weeks with my therapist, I have dissociated in therapy when we were discussing something to do with the rape. She managed to ' get me back to earth' and since then, I feel as if i am halfway between where i 'went' when i dissociated and back to normal, also, although I am ' functioning', I seem to be feeling very tearful and like a child ( I am 56). Is this normal?

Moses

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you suffered that as a child. There's a sister site for sexual abuse survivors too, might be helpful to you?

As for feeling like a child, I think everyone feels like that occasionally, but maybe we just feel it more often! It's not unique to you, embrace it, apparently it's healing, (I've got a lot of work to do on this so I can't say "yay, this will work.")

Wishing you healing, Ice_Fire

 

[Ted Moen]

If you have a "can of worms," a set of thoughts and feelings your mind keeps buried somewhere beyond conscious memory to protect you and free you to focus on the things you need to do in your current situation, sooner or later the can of worms will open. It's not unusual for that to happen in our 50s (partially due to changes in brain processes related to short term and long term memory around that age). It's also not unusual for the can of worms to open when we begin to feel safe. All it takes is the right trigger and the thoughts and feelings you stuffed long ago come gushing into your consciousness. The intrusive thoughts and feelings are uncomfortable and disruptive. There's reasons you you stuffed them in the first place, there's reasons you kept them stuffed all these years.

It will be uncomfortable and unsettling in the short term, but once the "can of worms" is opened its open. It sounds like you have a good T, so it's time to work through the thoughts and feelings you had to stuff long ago. Take your time, remember you are safe now, and with your T's help you can process the thoughts and feelings you couldn't process then and as you process and reframe the memories you will discover strengths and capabilities you also buried long ago with the "can of worms."

It's not easy, and it gets harder before it gets better. But we're worth the effort.

Ted

 

[PepperAnne]

Hi Moses, welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear you suffered traumas in your past. I understand what you mean when you said, "think I may have been suffering from it for years without knowing." I now realize that though my life the over reactions that I have had in certain situtation was mostly likely that of my PTSD.

I wasn't diagnosed until just about 1.5 years ago, and that seems like a long time, things have been up and down since, with what seem like a lot more down. I know that can of worms feeling very well. Only I called it pandora's box.

I dissocaited so much as a child and into my adult years, that my family would call me a space cadet and crazy. They didn't realize I was trying to escape them. It is not unusual for me to slip into the feeling of a child and get lost there. And there are times, my emotions are that of an adult and child combined.

I am fuctioning. I have a full time job and a family, but I am just that fuctioning. Sometimes I just want to isolate and hide. Sometimes I put on the HAPPY MASK, and venture out into the world and pretend to be normal. But here I can just be me, and connect with others who understand what is it like.

I hope you find what you are looking for on this site. The people here are very nice and supportive. Good Luck. Sending you a welcoming {{HUG}}

 

[Mary Burgess]

Moses, I have just been diagnosed with ptsd, and I will be 56 in a couple of months. I have just started therapy a week ago.

 

[Moses]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it is good to know that I am not the only one that feels like this!

 

[AABMT]

Thank you Moses for sharing and a big welcome.

I am about 4 months into working on my recovery. I'm working with a T every week (sometimes twice a week) and I am 45. I've had PTSD for some time but never was willing to face it and learn to deal with it until some big things happened 4 months ago and pandora's box opened and I was at a loss.

Normally I could put situations, feelings, memories, etc. in little boxes in my mind and put them away, but that ability started to elude me. I have cried more these few months than I have in years. I also dissociate during therapy and my T can tell when I start to "go away" and she works on bringing me back and trying to find out what is causing me to want to leave.

It's all the stuff I used to be able to keep in their boxes that overwhelm me, so I know my mind can only take so much and then it shuts down. I joke that I "tap out", like in sports.

Trying to heal from these various terrible traumas we all have faced is a lot of work, but I believe it will be worth it in the long run. It can be exhausting but don't give up. Stay open and keep trying. There has to be a better way for us to live or lives and we can finally cope with it all when we are ready. Some are younger than me, some are older, but the thing we all share is a desire to get better and stop suffering.

Good luck to you on this journey. We are here if you need to vent or share. :)

 

[justwrong]

Is this normal?

I believe it's all normal. Just two months or so diagnosed myself, I have been feeling many of the same feelings....but have you noticed that some of your positive feelings like happiness are even better too? It seems like this is all going to be worth it in the long run. I have had the worst anxiety some days but the most happy feelings on others. My anxiety is getting better already and it's really nice feeling again after so long. This is REALLY scary but I believe it will all make sense someday! Keep your chin up and take care :)

 

[a3a2]

Welcome, Moses, and I am sorry for your tramatic past.

I have come to realize that living with PTSD is easier once you know what it is...now we know what it is that we are battling. Before, I just thought I was secretly crazy and worked to hide the symptoms...now I can go after the root and actually get rid of the symptoms.

Talk about your trauma, write about your trauma, and then do it some more. You have done an excellent job beginning the healing process, even if it doesn't feel like it.