Just Found Out The Details Of My Wife's Rape

[joeylittle]

Everything @desiderata310 said.

And please, don't think that you are the one noble husband who isn't really causing upset with your behavior. She's told you to get counseling. Go. You might think claiming her scars as your own is a kind of love, but I can promise you, that is not what it feels like on the other side.

Also: you think she's over it. There are different levels of "over it". You are judging how she talks about it, compared to how you are receiving it. Stop now.

 

[Kefira]

Also: you think she's over it. There are different levels of "over it". You are judging how she talks about it, compared to how you are receiving it.

This was one of the things that stood out but I failed to respond to. I speak very calmly about most parts of my abuse, even in detail. For me this is dissociation, not a sign of being healed or 'over it'. I struggle daily but my affect often doesn't match my internal experience. Particularly if I'm unsure of what to expect from someone or suspect they may overreact if I'm showing my emotions.

 

[scout86]

That she has been able to move on is awesome. I hope it's true.

It feels to you like it was last week because it kind of was.

The guy that abused me when I was a kid? I have this fantasy. It involved a chair, piano wire, and a game of Russian roulette where I know for sure the bullet is in the last chamber. But I'm not going there, I just think about it sometimes.

Here's the thing. "Justice" is a great idea that actually happens sometimes, if we're lucky. A lot of times, it doesn't happen. That's the nature of the world we live in. A lot of us don't like it, but our ability to change it is limited.

There is nothing you can do that will undo what happened to your wife. There is no way that guy can pay a price that would change anything. This is her deal and you need to respect the way she wants to handle it, even if it's hard. Assure her you aren't going to do anything stupid. Let her know she can trust you to be calm and rational and love her.

Here's another unpleasant fact. There's an excellent chance the guy has no grasp of the idea that what he did was wrong. I've asked my therapist about this and we've talked about it a few times. He says "these people" have a world view that says that what they want matters and other people don't, If you confront them, they truly have no idea what the fuss is about. It would be nice to think you could confront them and they'd express remorse. Doesn't happen all that often. They just can't see what there is to be remorseful for. In a small way, you almost have to feel sorry for such a defective excuse for a human being, huh?

Read what everyone has said. Take a deep breath and think about it. It may not be what you want to hear, or the way you want to hear it, but it's true and really is well intentioned.

Welcome to the forum! I hope you can find some insights that will help you.

 

[desiderata310]

OH gosh. Good point, @scout86
My therapist actually had to do councling in the men's prison for a time with sex offenders. It really hurt his heart to have to listen to these men who just coudln't grasp that what they did was their fault and was wrong.
No remorse. It's not there because there's something fundamentally wrong from early on. It doesn't make it better.

I hope one day that knowledge will help me understand things better. I'm not there yet.

 

[Hooper]

I'm going to take your advice. This has been the best thing to happen to me all week. I've already taken an ambien my neighbor gave me and am going to get some rest. I needed this collective no holds barred perspective of my actions but I have had no where to go. This is not what I expected but exactly what I needed. I'm getting help tomorrow. I sincerely appreciate the time all of you spent showing me who and what I am/was. I've apologized to my wife and told her I just had my ass handed to me by a bunch of great women who have been in her shoes. I feel like I hit the power ball again. If any of you felt like you were holding back and taking it easy on me don't (except Kefira:). I can't tell you how much I needed this. I need sleep. I'll be back tomorrow. I can't thank you enough.

 

[Nam]

Good for you Hooper! I do agree with everyone else although I see how this hurts you because it hurts (or had..maybe?) your wife. It's obvious you love your wife. I'm trying to put your situation in my situation. My memories popped up well after we were married, but there wasn't a chance in hell he would find him. I don't know his name, it's a different country (I'm adopted), and well, who the f*ck cares? I really don't care what happens to him. In fact, I think this is the first time I've wondered. But if he was reachable, and he did have a name, what would hubby do? Not sure. I love my husband but he has a noble streak in him. But doing this situation swap..has helped me understand you and where you are coming from.

One thing that really came out to me about your post was how you have changed your behavior toward your wife because of her rape. Why didn't you tell her when you first felt the feeling that you needed more from her? Why did you keep it to yourself? Did you think you were "strong" for not asking? These are the little grains of sand that get caught in gears of marriage. Just little thoughts...that don't get said, and don't get dealt with and suddenly the gears are not moving as well. Would SHE appreciate you with holding what you want because of HIM? I seriously doubt it. Talk. Talk often. Listen. Listen often.

 

[anonymous]

I agree with everyone here, I had been married for eight years before I told my husband and he wanted to know who it was. We both grew up in small towns 5 mins apart, so a lot of people knew people in each town. I told him who it was and it was the worst thing I have ever done. He used to get very drunk and would threaten to go get him along with the others who have done the same to me line them up on the lawn and shoot them. It just used to send me into a spin and it made my life hell. This went on for years and years, He has given up drinking now but I know it still sits deep in side of him and still scares me to bits. If I had one wish it would be that he didn't know.

That's why your wife didn't want to tell you. You have already made her worry that you no and trust me it will sit with her forever. It is a very scary and sensitive issue for most of us, and to know that someone has the power to go and contact past abusers takes the control out of our hands and that is very scary. (Most of us have little or no power as it is). My husband promises me that he won't do anything anymore but I still carn't forget all those drunk times when he used to get so angry. Plus he only lives a few minutes away from us, and we see him most days or weeks.

If you want my advise, promise her that you won't do anything, go and get help and let her deal with her past how she needs to .

 

[shimmerz]

And this is why we keep secrets..... just sayin' This reaction and disbelief.

 

[WildMermaid]

Getting help is a wonderful first step. Also please do not take your wife's confidences lightly. She trusts you enough to share her secrets please do not misuse that trust. I feel you've a good heart and love your wife very much or else you would not have asked for advice. I hope that by seeking council you find someone compassionate that can both teach you about abuse and help with your feelings. You are making a positive first step. :hug:

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I'm so glad that you have taken all this advice and insight positively and in a constructive way. You can see the intense emotions that come up for someone in your wife's situation in this instance, and I hope that we have helped to give you understanding of it as well as a bit of a reality check on the risks of acting how you have. I'm so pleased that you're doing something about it :)

This was one of the things that stood out but I failed to respond to. I speak very calmly about most parts of my abuse, even in detail. For me this is dissociation, not a sign of being healed or 'over it'. I struggle daily but my affect often doesn't match my internal experience. Particularly if I'm unsure of what to expect from someone or suspect they may overreact if I'm showing my emotions.

I think this is important and I totally agree that there's no real way for you to know this, sometimes all you can do is take things at face value, but it's something that is important and will always be important. Because a trauma of any sort, a violation, can stay there affecting you, even if you don't show it and even if you're blunt and factual about what happened. I went through a phase of being so blasé about mine, using slang etc. and almost laughing, and that totally threw my partner.....it was actually that I couldn't and still can't say it properly out loud or accept it. So try to remember there might be more than meets the eye..

Good luck with seeking support and with your relationship.

 

[anonymous]

I have deliberately spared my husband from many details of who, what, and where. I did this for me first, because I didn't want him to view me as a victim, but it was for him as well. He did not need to suffer my pain, I wanted him to be my support, my lover, my friend..and many other things, but not my avenger.

 

[Hooper]

Looks like ambien is good for 5 hours. I've read and reread each of your posts multiple times. I have been in a daze for I think 9-10 days. They are running together. I am fully aware I made mistakes. I look back at the night I asked for the details and think what was my dumb ass thinking. Was I going to hear an age that was acceptable to get raped? It doesn't exist. Good point on the expectation of a good bed time story Kefira. I was so stupid. Although I can't defend the majority of my actions the fruit of rage and sleep depravation is not going to look or taste good. Although I was not the victim when someone you love more than anyone in the world is the victim of a crime where there is seldom justice there are other victims. I agree I am in a much lower spot on the victim totem pole but I do not feel anything like a bystander. I agree life is not fair. My spouse is my wife and her's is me. I really have felt like without justice I had no where to turn. I can't discuss this with my brothers, parents or really anyone without betraying my wife's privacy which it looks like I did a damn good job of doing anyway. I had no idea what I was going to get here. I was shocked at the quantity, quality, speed and most importantly the brutal honesty of your responses. Once again thank you.

There is another factor I never mentioned and I don't think it is rare. At 14 I came very close to being sexually assaulted. At the time I didn't drink and was with my age group and older sitting by a pool one night in Destin, Fl. This older guy walked by and somebody said something drunk and obnoxious that he handled in a funny way that made me decide talking to him would be far more interesting than any game of quarters I had no interest of participating in. He was retired and owned his own condo where we were staying. Although I thought I was having a conversation what actually was occurring was he was gathering intel. Within 20 minutes he knew where I was staying, when I had to be home, who I was with, made me curious about seeing what was in his condo by what he had gleaned from my interests and invited me up to see it while he went to fix another drink. It's been 31 years but it was room 106A at Jetty East. I knew from his conversation that the condo was nice and the first thing I asked was where I could wash my feet so I didn't get sand all in his nice condo. As soon as I shut the bathroom door I realized the position I had put myself in. I didn't know if the door was locked and I could run. I did know I was on the first floor and was willing to jump if I could open or break the sliding glass door. I collected myself and thought I was just being paranoid and walked out to the living room where he had plugged "Debbie Does Dallas" in the vcr. Now I knew I was screwed. The guy was a master manipulator. I know I wasn't the first or the last that found my way to 106A. Luckily all he did was proposition me (repeatedly) and I remember watching the minutes tick by like hours on the vcr. It was terrifying and I never told anyone for years. I thought it was my fault. Not only that but in 83-84 being raised in the south one of your greatest fears is that you could be gay. If something had happened I would have told no one. When I did tell someone it was a gay friend of my Dad's who I completely trusted. He assured me that it was nothing I had done. Gay men were simply attracted to young men. I know first hand what a sexual predator is I was just lucky he was not more than a manipulator.

One thing that really came out to me about your post was how you have changed your behavior toward your wife because of her rape. Why didn't you tell her when you first felt the feeling that you needed more from her? Why did you keep it to yourself? Did you think you were "strong" for not asking? These are the little grains of sand that get caught in gears of marriage. Just little thoughts...that don't get said, and don't get dealt with and suddenly the gears are not moving as well. Would SHE appreciate you with holding what you want because of HIM? I seriously doubt it. Talk. Talk often. Listen. Listen often.

Good question. For one thing despite what my inflammatory first post might imply I try not to be selfish. If I want to have sex and my wife does not only one of us can have our way. The other will lose. It's not that I don't ask. I do ask but if the answer is not tonight so be it. I don't just want consensual sex. I want/need to be wanted. I am pretty much always the initiator. I'd like that to be different but I pretty much always beat her to the punch. We do have an open line of communication. I told her a few weeks ago how much I'd like to be able for us to switch places for a week. You have to realize I have it made. Every night I go to bed with a beautiful woman I am very in love with. When she walks out of the bathroom after washing her face and brushing her teeth braless in nothing but her tshirt and her panties I can't do 2 things: Figure out how I pulled this off and think of something I would rather do than have sex with her. I am fully aware that is unreasonable and do think of other things to do but that is my default setting. It may sound shallow but I'd rather get skewered for telling the truth than get nowhere lying because I know y'all are going to tell me the truth. Are there more beautiful women than my wife? Yes but they all have one fundamental flaw. They are not her. I will never find another woman who loves our children as much as she does or me for that matter. It gets even better. I have never had a comparable sex partner. Not one of my ex-girlfriends comes close. We have been together since the spring of 2000 so she has an unfair advantage but I'm fine with that. So to sum it up I've pretty much been ruined. If I cheated on her to see if the grass were greener on the other side I am 100% I would be highly disappointed not just in whomever I was dumb enough to cheat with but myself. Then there is my deathly fear of herpes which is another subject.

The funny thing is prior to learning the details of her rape if you asked me what I would need therapy for it would be why am I so in love with my wife. I honestly can't answer the question. I don't think it's normal. None of my friends are in the same boat. I'd say it has been like this for a year and a half. Prior to that I think she may have loved me more and I just had my head up my ass. The only thing that has changed is I've gotten physically fit. I've dropped my body fat percentage in half since finding out my shoulder pain was due to a pinched nerve and been working to rehab it by building muscle to stabilize my shoulder joint. All I can figure is maybe my testosterone level is up along with my energy level. Try to google "crush on wife after 15 years". You don't get squat. I've looked it up and there are no studies on it. The gym is full of beautiful women and there husbands although some are single. I know what I am going through is not normal because even the guys with beautiful wives are just wanting to talk about the other women who I personally don't think are as attractive as their own wives. It really gets old. How I feel about my wife is another subject I can't really discuss with anyone but her. I can tell her how beautiful she is and she doesn't believe me. She believes I think so but that's it. I'm not telling anyone how satisfied I am with our sex life outside of here in an anonymous setting because I think it helps answer a question. If it's too much information I'm sure someone will set me straight.

I have a hot lunch date, need to mow the grass, find a shrink and get a temporary script for ambien. Today is better than yesterday. I think the worst is over. If I can't get an appt soon with my shrink soon I am going to keep coming here. If the shrink is holding back I may want to drop her and stay here. I'll let you know how it goes. I still can't believe this stab in the dark is working. I was so expecting some kind of "rape is not about sex" useless crap vs what I got. Speaking of what I've gotten it's been a 1 way street so far. It's been great having the female perspective. If you need an immature selfish male perspective on any subject let me know. I may be able to provide some insight.
later