J
just keep swimming
Early this year I managed to find my first safe place, I am 35 and have lived the life of a drug addict, my last joint was only 3 weeks ago. I was a pill popping party animal.
At 22 I weighed just under 6 stone when I had a complete mental breakdown and I would not wish that on anyone in the world (except Hitler) I admitted myself into a hospital where I was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis. My Mother and sisters showed such good support at the hospital and the doctors advised my Mum it would take 2 years to begin to recover from where I was at and any more drugs and I would be back in hospital and things would be worse than they already where.
I managed 3 months with no drugs before I went out with so called friends clubbing and popped around 20 Ecstacy pills, I was the life of the party.
I relapsed and dealt with it at home on my own. I got used to relapsing, I even played with it. My survival skills in this area are paramount.
I spent those two years as a vegetable, I would just stare at the skirting boards when awake. My only safe place was when I was asleep, 24 hours at a time and awake for as little as possible. The anti psychotic medication was needed but it made me a zombie. My so called family never helped me or visited me at home, they did and said all the right things at the hospital, then they went home. To be fair I was one hell of a wreck, they were afraid of me, although I have never been violent towards them.
I was reliant on my friends and they were reliant on me to make them laugh, be the Mr fantastic and create party madness for them.
My only saving grace is that 2 weeks after my breakdown I sought out a therapist, and forced myself to go every week. I had not much memory of my childhood.
I am just going to move on now, I don't want to bore anyone.
What has come to surface from my therapy, is that I was raped by my own father aged 6. That is just the tip of the ice berg but I need not say anymore than that. Therapy raised the question of was I or not and that very question has driven me mental, I began my quest for the truth, was I raped?
After 8 years and now 2 therapists I have unlocked my memory, I am very lucky that my only weapon for this quest was to speak the truth. My second T was a Jungian, I sought him out as my first T towards the end of our sessions pointed out a image I had mentioned in my head. In my 4 years with her I'd never seen her react as she did ' A SYMBOL' she said in a tone I'd never heard. I had no idea what she meant, took her advise on finding a Jungian T.
I worked with him for 4 years and the symbol was how my truth came to me (David Fontana, the secret language of symbols) I had no idea of that book for sometime. This is how I unlocked my trauma, by working with my personal symbol and archetypes, I had another symbol come to me in a dream which contained my memory of where I was raped and who by.
I ran out of my last T session in 2008, I felt the pain in my bottom and I bounced out of the chair. I then sabotaged my entire life once more and became a drug addict all over again. I was not ready to go there and my T, I now come to realise should not have allowed a unstable still weed smoking client to go where I did. Still confused about that, he was a new T when a started with him, all I could afford.
So 5 or so years on from that I find my first safe place and a girlfriend I was able to tell all this to, she helped me report it to the police. Even longer story short I am being compensated by the government for the rape, the abuse team in police completely believe my every word in some 2 hours of video statements. Not enough evidence to get him in court however they say in won't be long as one other of his victims is not ready to come forward. Yet. Very difficult times this year with all that, been through worse.
Now I wait for my PTSD therapy. I am still a wreak but you would not think it if you met me. I am going to work towards being regressed (properly) although this could be very dangerous for me I am told?
Have about a month to build myself up as best as I can be, and then 20 to 40 weeks depending to prepare for the regression or not. Apparently some choose not to as built up so well. For me I want to go the whole hog, feel the pain and rid my body of his horrid attack.
Who knows for now. I have purchased some running shoes and each day I try to get up and eat breakfast-lunch-dinner, I walking my jog route at the moment, bite size bits each day. Smoking fags will soon stop, I deserve a life where I can choose for myself, I have come a long way, we all have. Much more to do, it never stops. I will get better and have so much. My awareness is vast however probably no more or less than anyone who's read this far. I thank you so much if you have got this far.
Help in anyway would be so greatly received. I would like to share my progress, where is this diary thing on here? I'll find it and share, if that is allowed. I have posted to a few of you, Hello.......
Just never forget this, we are all human, these things are sent to try us, the truth will set me free.
Oh and of course.... JUST KEEP SWIMMING......:)
I can not even read this back before I post :cry: Here goes.
At 22 I weighed just under 6 stone when I had a complete mental breakdown and I would not wish that on anyone in the world (except Hitler) I admitted myself into a hospital where I was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis. My Mother and sisters showed such good support at the hospital and the doctors advised my Mum it would take 2 years to begin to recover from where I was at and any more drugs and I would be back in hospital and things would be worse than they already where.
I managed 3 months with no drugs before I went out with so called friends clubbing and popped around 20 Ecstacy pills, I was the life of the party.
I relapsed and dealt with it at home on my own. I got used to relapsing, I even played with it. My survival skills in this area are paramount.
I spent those two years as a vegetable, I would just stare at the skirting boards when awake. My only safe place was when I was asleep, 24 hours at a time and awake for as little as possible. The anti psychotic medication was needed but it made me a zombie. My so called family never helped me or visited me at home, they did and said all the right things at the hospital, then they went home. To be fair I was one hell of a wreck, they were afraid of me, although I have never been violent towards them.
I was reliant on my friends and they were reliant on me to make them laugh, be the Mr fantastic and create party madness for them.
My only saving grace is that 2 weeks after my breakdown I sought out a therapist, and forced myself to go every week. I had not much memory of my childhood.
I am just going to move on now, I don't want to bore anyone.
What has come to surface from my therapy, is that I was raped by my own father aged 6. That is just the tip of the ice berg but I need not say anymore than that. Therapy raised the question of was I or not and that very question has driven me mental, I began my quest for the truth, was I raped?
After 8 years and now 2 therapists I have unlocked my memory, I am very lucky that my only weapon for this quest was to speak the truth. My second T was a Jungian, I sought him out as my first T towards the end of our sessions pointed out a image I had mentioned in my head. In my 4 years with her I'd never seen her react as she did ' A SYMBOL' she said in a tone I'd never heard. I had no idea what she meant, took her advise on finding a Jungian T.
I worked with him for 4 years and the symbol was how my truth came to me (David Fontana, the secret language of symbols) I had no idea of that book for sometime. This is how I unlocked my trauma, by working with my personal symbol and archetypes, I had another symbol come to me in a dream which contained my memory of where I was raped and who by.
I ran out of my last T session in 2008, I felt the pain in my bottom and I bounced out of the chair. I then sabotaged my entire life once more and became a drug addict all over again. I was not ready to go there and my T, I now come to realise should not have allowed a unstable still weed smoking client to go where I did. Still confused about that, he was a new T when a started with him, all I could afford.
So 5 or so years on from that I find my first safe place and a girlfriend I was able to tell all this to, she helped me report it to the police. Even longer story short I am being compensated by the government for the rape, the abuse team in police completely believe my every word in some 2 hours of video statements. Not enough evidence to get him in court however they say in won't be long as one other of his victims is not ready to come forward. Yet. Very difficult times this year with all that, been through worse.
Now I wait for my PTSD therapy. I am still a wreak but you would not think it if you met me. I am going to work towards being regressed (properly) although this could be very dangerous for me I am told?
Have about a month to build myself up as best as I can be, and then 20 to 40 weeks depending to prepare for the regression or not. Apparently some choose not to as built up so well. For me I want to go the whole hog, feel the pain and rid my body of his horrid attack.
Who knows for now. I have purchased some running shoes and each day I try to get up and eat breakfast-lunch-dinner, I walking my jog route at the moment, bite size bits each day. Smoking fags will soon stop, I deserve a life where I can choose for myself, I have come a long way, we all have. Much more to do, it never stops. I will get better and have so much. My awareness is vast however probably no more or less than anyone who's read this far. I thank you so much if you have got this far.
Help in anyway would be so greatly received. I would like to share my progress, where is this diary thing on here? I'll find it and share, if that is allowed. I have posted to a few of you, Hello.......
Just never forget this, we are all human, these things are sent to try us, the truth will set me free.
Oh and of course.... JUST KEEP SWIMMING......:)
I can not even read this back before I post :cry: Here goes.
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