General Just Friends?

[Gingerly]

I am an ex-supporter who still speaks to her ex, so maybe I'm not an ex-supporter after all. We talk on the phone, as long as I initiate the call, although he did call me two weeks ago and it turned into a 3 hour conversation. He says he misses seeing me, says he loves me, and says I can call him every day because he likes talking to me, but says he cannot get back together with me. If he loves me and misses me, then why can't he be with me?? Will he change his mind one day or are we to remain just friends?

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry you're caught in such a bind.

There was a similar thread some time ago and that's because it happens a lot. Those of us w/ PTSD are torn in half about love. We don't know how to do it, we don't know how to reconcile the need for attachment with the fear of intimacy.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm saying this as a *possible* explanation: there was a young woman I fell hopelessly in love with in high school. It's not like it was an infatuation or anything. No, it was a full-blown obsession. Despite my raging hormones, I rarely thought of her in sexual terms. I loved her like crazy and wanted to be with her, but most of all, I needed her to save my sorry ass. I know what a Freudian would say, that I wanted her to be the mother I never had. There's some truth in that. It's a long story but when I couldn't even be friends with her, it really tore me up inside.

So maybe he has the same thing for you: needs you to save his ass but not as a lover or wife. What was his relationship to his mother like? For me, she saw obvious signs that something was terribly wrong, as did my teachers, but no one did anything to protect me. As an adult I can't lay too much blame, but a six year old feels abandoned and betrayed.

I hope that helps.

 

[Gingerly]

@WillyKat, My ex-Sufferer is a Vietnam Vet with PTSD. I do not know if he had issues with his mother or any other women figures. He and I were together for four years in a very loving, intimate relationship. We hardly ever argued or disagreed with each other, however, on the few occasions when he got mad, he "snapped", and it seemed to me that he thought women (myself included) were talking or laughing or embarrassing him. On these occasions, no one was laughing at him. It was his assumption or perception.

I will remain friends with him. I love this man and think we need each other.

 

[BigBear]

PTSD always changes the person. They become a new person. Many fear that they will hurt others as they have been hurt. Many have flash backs and you are at that time seen as someone else. Please note the "many", that does not say all. Every case is different. All you can do is walk the road and see if it stays yours to walk.

I believe you are right. He does need someone. But with PTSD, timing is everything. You can't hurry them. They have to be ready to move toward their better state.

So walk the road as seems right. Hope and pray for the best. But also understand that the best may not be in him yet.

Bear

 

[WillyKat]

In that case, I agree w/ BigBear, he may be afraid he's going to hurt someone, regardless how realistic that fear is.

And of course, you never know with PTSD. It's tricky like a coyote, maybe it was Vietnam but maybe there was something there that Vietnam just made much worse.

 

[crazy8]

I'm experiencing this right now from the other end - I was diagnosed with complex PTSD last September. I've always had some minor PTSD symptoms that were manageable, but for me, the trigger that caused the PTSD to finally emerge full-blown after all these years was because I had fallen in love. You see, sometimes feeling close means feeling vulnerable for us who have complex PTSD, if all of our previous experience in life has shown us that being emotionally vulnerable causes us to be abused by the people who love us, then intimacy with a loved one is very difficult. For me, this intimacy with my boyfriend set off months of flashbacks.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now, and I have thought for most of that time that I could see myself marrying him. I love him for who he is, and respect him and want to be the best girlfriend/wife I can be for him, because he deserves that. However, my emotional flashbacks were becoming so intense that just the simplest innocent comment from him would cause me to spiral into a deep pit of self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, some intense self-harming, and complete inability to speak or engage in any sort of logical thought. During these times, I see him as my angry, controlling, and emotionally abusive stepdad. I can't trust him or speak to him...I can only see evidence that he hates me and wants to hurt me....but of course this is not true. This makes him feel awful. In fact he loves me very much and is very kind-hearted. This situation has happened n our relationship probably hundreds of times now. I have always been so appreciative of his support for me, but it has worn on him immensely. I realized how bad it was for him when he began dissociating after my suicide attempt two months ago. He told me how much he loves me, and that every day he worries that I will kill myself. It is quite possible that us remaining together during the toughest times in my PTSD have been traumatic for him, and he is experiencing the effects of that trauma. Also, I felt like I needed him to be there with me to keep me alive. That's extreme codependency, and it's not good.

We have now "taken a step back" from our relationship for the past three weeks. I cried the whole first day and just wanted to end my life. I miss him every single day. I love him so much...and I want him to be happy. If he stays close to me right now while I go through intensive PTSD therapy, I will most likely continue to be plagued with these debilitating emotional flashbacks that make me want to kill myself, and he will still not be able to help me. Him, my friends, family, etc are not capable of helping me - God and my therapist are the only ones who can help me heal. After that first day not speaking with him, I actually felt a tremendous feeling of relief and freedom. I am no longer investing my very scarce amount of emotional energy into the relationship with him, and as a result, I am having fewer flashbacks. Fewer flashbacks = less self-harm and a lower chance that I will attempt suicide again.

I love my boyfriend too much to get close to him; Throughout all of my life before I met him, intimacy was coupled with abuse. Right now, I am unable to be close to him without feeling abused, and wanting to die as a result. I can't keep doing this to him - I must get better before I can become intimate.

If he loves me and misses me, then why can't he be with me??

I hope that reading this perspective from the other side - as a PTSD sufferer - sheds some light on your questions and hurt feelings. Best of luck. I know that being intimate with someone who has this mental illness can be very painful and confusing.

 

[aj1]

@crazy8 Thank you for this perspective. It is so hard to hear, but as a former supporter leads to some understanding. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[Julesnaz]

I don't have any advice, but I'm in a similar boat as you. Thanks to the others for their perspective. It makes a ton of sense.

 

[novemberDark]

Friendship is very dear. I'm still in comtact with an ex too, he has combat ptsd.

All I can say is that it's really nice to hear about him enjoying something in this life.

Puts a smile on my face because it means that he decided that he deserves it.
There was a time where he was not wanting to go on living.

A lot of behaviour is carefulness and that's very positive in it's essence. It's a found back way to use of life-force.
Not overshadowed anymore.

I don't know about the mother thing but I do know about his violence child abuse history.

I have my own issues with violence and major power play with a man.

I don't want to drift of here into my stuff from past.

I do want to share my fear about the being in good fase of combat ptsd as it seems to me now.

I have seen in a loved one with a physical illness that affects motoric function and became terminal.
That they overestimate themselves. It probably comes from strength.

I don't know if I'm being an idiot here but I do have the same thing about this ptsd sometimes as observations.

As much as I love to see that its going good.
I don't want to blow your horn or mine, but I think that being perceived having intraction and knowing that that that 'is' and continues to 'stay' helps a person.

Live and enjoy life, could be any little thing. Any other interaction from there outward.

That's human strenght.

I personally cannot live without freedom amd it was never retaken away from me.

I wish you the best and hope your friendships holding high always.

Most of life force is also between the ears and with it comes respect.

 

[Gingerly]

@crazy8, thank you for your post and for your insight. I wish you all the best always.

@BigBear, One of the things my ex-Sufferer told me was that the break up wasn't because of me, it was because of him, and that he hated himself for being the way he is. Unfortunately, he is convinced that nobody can help him. So he sits at home alone, even today, which is his birthday. I called him with birthday wishes for which he was very grateful. We spoke for a while and when I hung up I looked just like my avatar.

 

[Al_Lurker]

My friend is also convinced that talking about it only makes things worse. I hope your ex and mine are both wrong about their futures. I've done more crying about her in the last month than I've done in the rest of my life.....

 

[Gingerly]

@Al_Lurker, I'm still crying every day and it's now 4 months since the break-up. I can understand our Sufferers not wanting to talk about what triggered them. If you and I are willing to try again, why aren't they? I continue to call him weekly and it's always a good conversation, but I want to see him. I don't know how or when to pose this to him. I don't want to be rejected again or push him further away. But, he chooses to be alone instead of with me. This is his choice and it must be for a good reason, although to me his reasoning is illogical.