Hi and thanks!
I find the forums here safe, weel as much as I can, but in here I feel I will have to feel those feelings I hoped was gone. It's so strange! Like:
I remember every second of the rape on me by two persons and 5-7 standing by watching. But it's alright. I do not freak out about that episode anymore, though I get thrown back whenever I talk to a kid and find out she's only 12!! My age at the time this happened. 12-year olds are just kids, they're so small!!
But it's ok. Both John and Jan are dead. They had miserable lives til the end. One of the on-lookers still live here in town. He was Jan's kid brother. Poor boy, and I mean that! Imagine looking at your brother ripping a little girl to pieces and having to see this girl very often the next 40 years! He's an alcoholic with a brain damaged by sniffing glue. Poor Jonny. I see the hurt in his eyes.
I so want to talk to JOnny. Tell him I never blamed him. I never did. He wasn't more than 15 or so himself. A kid.
The other 2 rapes the next couple of years was me dissociating when I should have said NO. I just went quiet, scared to move, scared to talk etc.
But it's memoryies from my childhood in Scotland that's popping up now and then. And they're not pleasant! And I have to burry them as I can't afford counseling and my T that helps my doc-man is now doing research on child abuse going abuser. She was just fantastic. Didn't let me escape, didn't wrap me up in cotton and self pity but challenged me.
She realy scared me once: she asked to hypnotize me to see what my anger is truely like. I know I could so easely kill her. She didn't know all of my way of handling life yet. Gosh, I was scared! I didn't want to hurt her! She didn't so I didn't.
You see, I'm not going to get hurt again. And my anger can turn cold. I go cold. My heart beat slows down. I sound calm and assertive. And I know exactly what to do to harm this person so much they will never harm anyone again. So far only my family has seen that side of me and they always back off. My sister didn't once and I broke her nose and ... well she didn't look nice for weeks. I was 16.. Last time was in 1999. She ran inside after I kicked her in the face and scull.
But it's those memories from scotland. They put me in my closet too often for comfort now. So I have to be careful and this scribbling here and now is not what I intended! I was just gonna say Thanks!!
If you want to see my pics of Norway look on fb. That's the only place I kow how to publish pictures... Its Hilde Gry. You'll like them! And I live just 2 km's from the kindergarden for deaf children!
again thanks :)
