Sexual Assault Just Learned Something From My Past

[Deleted member 27340]

I just learned something from my past and I need to tell someone.

My mother's adoptive father's wife (that she's a little distanced from my mother is actually relevant, because my mother is completely unable to manipulate her. Let's call her A, and my mother L) was just on a visit in my town to see my sister's performance. After me and my sister had left the dinner at my grandma's, A told my grandma about some stuff.

My mother always claimed I had "healing hands", personally I believe the whole concept is bullshit, but that's not the point.

A told my grandma that L had sold my "skills" to her buddies. She'd take about 500NOK and leave me alone with them to "heal" whatever pain they suffered. So basically she left her kid alone with grown men for her to touch them because she thought I had a superstitious power of some kind. She'd leave me alone in my room with them. This is what A told my grandma. A said that L had bragged about doing this.

I don't remember anything. I've got some disturbing images in my mind now, but I can't say for sure whether they're awoken memories or my mind going nuts with this new information. Either way, it's all very disturbing.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, and it's extremely hard to talk and write about. The only reason I managed to include "touch them" in this text is that English is my second language and I don't have all the same associations in English as I've got in Norwegian. Using the term "touch them" in Norwegian when texting my friend about this a little earlier was unbearable, and I just talked around it.

I really have no idea where I'm going with this or what I'm asking for. I don't know. I'm so unsure of everything, and the words "f*cking whore" are ringing through my head again. The bullies used to call me that. Maybe they were right, I don't know.

gnrjngjlkngal. Can someone hug me tight

 

[DharmaGirl]

((((((HUGS)))))) Deep breath in, when you let it out send the phrase "f*cking whore" out into the wind. My therapist told me that if you were sold without your consent, you are not a whore. I used to call myself one. Everytime it comes up, deep breath, blow it away.

 

[scout86]

The bullies were wrong, no doubt about it!

Interesting the way things are associated differently in your different languages. I wonder if anyone else here, who's multilingual, has a similar experience.

The deal with your mother is seriously weird. SHE must be seriously weird! You, on the other hand, are pretty much ok. You can create a lot of images in your brain. Some of them are "true" in the sense that they really happened. Some of them didn't really happen, but that doesn't mean there's no truth to them. What ever happened, it was long ago and you're still here. Focus on that. What ever happened has nothing to do with who you REALLY are, or who you want to be. It's just something that happened. Or not. As far as you actually know, for your own self, IF this story is true, it may have been nothing more than "healing" a bad back or a case of acne. You don't HAVE to jump to the conclusion that it had anything to do with sex, unless and until you get more evidence.

How did your grandmother react to the story?

 

[RussH]

Dear Trauma,
I just wanted to add my comments to the others, that you are not a whore in any way, shape or form. You are a victim and subjected to abuse that no child should have to endure.

I wish that I could take the pain away from you, and make you feel better, but the best I can do is to tell you that PTSD is a liar. It will call you names like whore and any number of negative things, and they are all lies!

I truly hope that you will be able to see yourself as the wonderful person that you are, and not what others have tried to make you to be.

Blessings

 

[Friday]

Huge hugs. The kind with one arm to keep the other one free, so you're never trapped and I can punch someone in the throat. Bastards. How's that for a healing hand? And I'm 6 feet tall, so you can hide in one of my one armed hugs, or have your other arm free to fight, too. As you choose.

Sweets... If it makes you feel better at all... One of my good friends is a whore. Children cannot be. She chooses to be paid for sex, with people she chooses to have sex with. Whore is a word to trick children and trapped and trafficked adults into thinking they have a choice. Into blaming the victim. Blaming themselves. Never accept the blame for anything you had to do to survive betrayal, nor for the evils others do.

If someone held a gun to someone you love's head, and said 'Rob this bank, or they die'... Are you a bank robber? No. You're a hero, rescuing someone. If someone breaks into your house, and steals your stuff and leaves a dollar, pound, kroner, gelt, yen, anything in its place... Are you a merchant? No. You cannot be something someone else tries to force or trick you into being.

 

[Rumors]

This probably won't help, but the only whore here is your mom for selling your "healing hands" to perverts. You in no way are a whore...ever....EVER!

Sending love, peace, and respect your way. You are incredibly brave.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm echoing @Rumors here. Wish I had the same kind of awesome hugs that @FridayJones is offering (can I have some of those too?) I'm only 5'3" but I have a decent pair of arms that can hug tight. Here: (((@Trauma))). I'm so glad you shared this in words on the Forum, even though it is so hard to talk about. First step to dealing with it.

 

[Anarchy]

platonic :hug: s
1) you cannot possibly have been a whoor - Friday has explained it far better than I ever could.
2) if anything happened, you were far to young to consent, and you weren't even asked.
3) if you had been a freely consenting adult - what the hell business is it of anyone else to pass judgement on any sort of acts between freely consenting adults (capitalist acts or otherwise) - the same people might well think that acts of agression and coercion are ok, and voting to have those acts inflicted on their neighbours is ok too - if so, they are deeply confused.

Your physical and emotional reactions to the words - that's a pretty good indicator that there might be a trauma memory in there. I'm only just learning to find the clues that indicate where my own might be hidden, and I think that sort of reaction points the way. I'm not ready to go digging for my traumas yet, I'm still getting myself back to physical and emotional safety, and learning grounding, soothing and mindfulness skills. The task of digging personal skeletons up, is way in the future for me -- and from your symptoms, I think it might be a job that you aren't fully prepared for yet either - but that's your decision and yours alone.

perhaps mark the location so that you can come back to it when you have all of the equipment to do the job safely?

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Everytime it comes up, deep breath, blow it away.

Thanks..

Interesting the way things are associated differently in your different languages. I wonder if anyone else here, who's multilingual, has a similar experience.

It's pretty common. I read about a survey someone did once where they took multilingual individuals and screened them with personality tests, all done in each language they could speak fluently. Most of the test subjects scored noticeable to significantly different in their languages. It's because of the human brain's strong association network.

SHE must be seriously weird!

She is. She's got psychopathic tendencies, severe bipolar disorder (mostly manic episodes where she'd usually wind up psychotic, but some depressive too). She's struggled a lot with substance abuse and stuff like that, and she's just generally abusive. She hangs around with the same type of people.

but that doesn't mean there's no truth to them.

Thanks.

it may have been nothing more than "healing" a bad back or a case of acne. You don't HAVE to jump to the conclusion that it had anything to do with sex, unless and until you get more evidence.

I tell myself it can't have been anything sexual involved, but I know something like that happened somewhere but everything is blurry and a lot is gone. I'm able to connect triggers, reactions to things and memories and yeah you know what I mean. I don't want to go deeper into it now. It's hard to talk about, but too much connects those two things together and I don't want it to be true, but my triggers and stuff fit and yeah I just feel really bad.

How did your grandmother react to the story?

She didn't specify her opinion.

@RussH Thank you :hug: It's just that I'm not a wonderful person. In fact, I'm a terrible person because I'm so freakishly selfish and lazy, but that's a whole other story.

@FridayJones I'm 5'7, hehe... I'd like one of those hugs. Thank you:hug:
Yeah that's the funny thing. I've got nothing against prostitution as a profession, and I don't consider any prostitute bad because they're a prostitute or anything. I just put the label on myself as a negative thing. It doesn't make sense. I guess it's my ever-lasting self-hate speaking.

@Rumors Thank you :hug:

@Hope4Now Thanks. I'm 4 inches taller than you, but that doesn't matter. Like I said, I can hide anywhere. :hug:

Your physical and emotional reactions to the words - that's a pretty good indicator that there might be a trauma memory in there.

This is about what I meant in the reply to @scout86 's post. I'm pretty good at reading and analysing my own clues and reactions. I've read a lot of psychology and philosophy, together with other subjects that's helped me understanding humans and how we work. Trusting this indicator we're talking about, there's definitely some trauma involved in the selling me thing... some bad trauma because I absolutely freak out.

The task of digging personal skeletons up, is way in the future for me -- and from your symptoms, I think it might be a job that you aren't fully prepared for yet either - but that's your decision and yours alone.

perhaps mark the location so that you can come back to it when you have all of the equipment to do the job safely?

I don't know what I am. I'm really confused and messed up. Really, I just hate myself and want to die.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Trauma, don't let them win...those people are/were way more messed up than you. Keep fighting and hiding in strong hugs. Keep breathing out and shaking out and jumping out (and whatever else you can do to release it) all the bad stuff and the wanting to die. Breathe in all the kindness and gentleness and compassion and love that's here on the forum and all around in the world.

 

[scout86]

@Trauma , here, on this forum, you come across as a pretty remarkable young woman. You just DO.

All of that self hate and confusion isn't YOU, it's the PTSD talking. (OK, maybe being a teenager has a tiny bit to do with it too. "Turmoil" tends to go with that part of your life.) @Hope4Now , is right, you've had to deal with a bunch of people who were WAY more messed up than you ever thought of being. You were a child. You had no way to sort that stuff and those people out, no way to deal with it, and no choices.

I'd like to offer the suggestion that, at least for now, you don't worry too much about what stuff means or why stuff is. Deal with getting your life as it is today, in order. You don't HAVE to remember everything and have it organized in your mind to "get better." At least my T tells me that. (Often) One of his favorite things to say is "I wish you could quit asking questions that begin with the word 'why'. They often don't have answers and the answers aren't always useful, even when they do."

Actually, I'm far from convinced that just "remembering" stuff is a solution to anything. You don't "remember" and then all the effects magically go away. You learn to understand the effects and you make adjustments so that your life can go on and you can be more the person you were meant to be. The person you are now is pretty cool. The person you are working to become, is someone I hope I get the chance to meet and to know! :hug: (That emoticon MIGHT be one of those one armed hugs. ?)

 

[shell]

@Trauma what your mother did is absolutely sick perverted and twisted, she took a child and sold it, then to justify her actions, she told her self some sick little twisted story so she didn't have to feel the guilt she should have felt. That is truly evil and sick, my mother said some very sick twisted things about my abuse too, but now I realize it's not about me it's about her, that she is mentally very ill.

You are not a whore, and never were, sending you a huge protective hug, for the abused little girl who was abandoned, and for the adult who needs help to accept she was never responsible for the actions of a sick twisted mother.:hug::hug: