Just Married

[tragichamlet]

I started dating a man who suffers from PTSD. He was very upfront with me when he first met me and he warned me that he had relationship issues becuase of this. I did not understand or know what I was dealing with and I jumped into the relationship completely.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man.

We married after only dating for 2 1 /2 months. Everyone was shocked but he is 52 and I"m 39, and I felt I had finally met someone who was just the ideal mate for me. After we got married though, the PTSD began to surface more noticably. The first two weeks of our marriage I thought I was losing mind. He was completely different. He seemed so disconnected. He is very irritable and he just seems angry at me all the time. I feel as if i cannot do anything right. When things are good, oh my gosh....they are amazingly good. But it seems like every 10 days, an episode will surface and he will either withdraw from me completely or he will grow so angry and irriated with me. He never gets physical with me but he has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel like I'm a disappointment to him.

Yesterday, we got into an argument over something so insignificant. I started crying vehemently and he just stared at me so unaffected by my pain. I couldn't understand how he could be so cold when the person he loves is in pain. He told me my tears making him more angry.

I am starting to see a therapist, but I feel very sad and alone. He doesn't want me talking to anyone about this. He is on medication for the PTSD, but this psychiatrist just gives him the medication. They dont do a therapy session.

Are there any spouses in the Southern Calif area that I can maybe communicate with? This is beginning to have an emotional effect on me, and I am realizing that I didn't know how challenging this would be....I had no idea.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, tragichamlet. PTSD can be very difficult to deal with for the people diagnosed as well as for our loved ones. Many of us experience extreme mood swings (irritability, anger, all the way to dissociation and disconnection from people and things we genuinely care about). Has your husband checked out therapy options for himself in addition to medications? Medications take the edge off, but the only real way to process the various types of trauma is with a good trauma therapist. Best of luck!

 

[Froggie]

Welcome tragichamlet, you did the right thing coming to this forum and asking questions. You will meet other members who are married with PTSD sufferers here and they have managed to find some equilibrium in their lives. I do agree with Deaf Global Nomad, meds only do part of the job, it also takes therapy. Whatever you do, don't fall in the law of silence trap. That won't help you nor your husband. I'm sorry that you don't have the impression of having empathy from him. I have PTSD, and many have said that I seem stoic, but inside, yes I do feel. That's where the therapy helps.. Best of luck.

 

[tragichamlet]

thank you for your support. I went home yesterday and I just layed in bed crying. I cry so bad sometimes and he just stares at me with such coldness. I dont understand how he could tell me he loves me and look at me with complete indifference especially when i am hurting. I made an appt to see a counselor for myself. When I told him it seems like he gets upset or irritated with me like every 10 days, he got even more angry. He said i was too sensitive. I am sensitive, but this is not normal. I've learned that every time i get hurt, he gets angry becuase he is hurt. Someone once told me anger is a secondary emotion and it usually comes from hurt or fear.

Are you both married? How do your spouses handle it? I know one thing....I do love him deeply. He sees some psychiatrist but he said the guy doesn't really talk to him.....it is only once every six months to get a refill on his prescription. I really appreciate you responding and listening. Sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy and i feel alone.

Deaf Global Nomad--I was noticing your loggin name. Are you hearing impaired? The reason I am asking is because I was married to a deaf man for almost 10 years. We have three hearing children together. I'm fluent in sign language.

 

[Froggie]

Hi TH, I'm divorced and am a sufferer. I'm not ready to have someone in my life as my reactions will be hard to handle. They are for me so putting someone I cherish through that just seems unfair to me. I live alone so I can control my isolation periods. My children and friends are getting used to my ups and downs. But, like I mentionned before, I did get help (therapy and meds). I only see my psychiatrist once in a while and it's just for med control. But it was a psychologist and social worker that combined their efforts to help me through on a regular basis.

It is hard for your H right now, but it does not justify nor give him the right to treat you the way he does. The sooner you can get some support for yourself the better it will be. But, ideally, he should get regular professional help ASAP.

Hang in there, it's a dark moment that will not last forever.

 

[amethist]

Hi tragichamlet

Welcome to the forum.

Come down to the supporters area, where you will a lot of helpful information for yourself.

It seems as if the first thing you need to do, is learn to set some boundaries. You find threads and posts about this there.

Take good care of yourself.

Amethist

 

[Rebekah]

tragichamlet - my story is sooooo similar to yours! I would love to be a sympathetic ear and/or help in any way I can. I too am in the early stages of a relationship with a man suffering from PTSD so while I may not have the best advice I can definitely relate.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to find a balance in your marriage that will work for you and your husband.

Rebekah

 

[tragichamlet]

@Froggie

I told my husband what you said, and he could related to your words. He told me he had decided that he was going to be alone because he got tired of hurting people but then he met me and he feels i'm his only hope for a happy marriage. We have such a strange connection. I can sense when he is having an episode even before he even recognizes it. I really appreciated your last statement....it is very true. Things are good now. We are back to normal. It lasts about one to two days. I know he is trying really hard. He said it can be physically painful too. Do you have shakes at night? Sometimes his body shakes and it is always almost at night. He wakes me up. Sometimes it is just a muscle twitch and sometime it is his entire body.

 

[tragichamlet]

Amethist

thank you. I started looking at that. I am very grateful for finding this site. I feel alone at times. Do you suffer from PTSD or are you in a relationship with someone who has it?

 

[amethist]

Hi tragichamlet

I am a supporter, to the man I married 4 years before PTSD invaded our lives. It is still tough going at times, but so far we have managed to stick together and keep going.

I dont know if being together before he suffered his trauma or not makes any difference, but to us it helped knowing the love we had before. Being able to build on the solid marriage we had before PTSD, has given him something to lean on, and me something to hang on to.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I noticed you had lots of reply's already. Still want to say...

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[Froggie]

[quote="tragichamlet, post: 236523 Do you have shakes at night? Sometimes his body shakes and it is always almost at night. He wakes me up. Sometimes it is just a muscle twitch and sometime it is his entire body.[/quote]

Before PTSD, I had steady hands, now I have the shakes. My body twitches also, it can happen day or night. Yes there are emotional and physical repercussions. Those are some symptoms that have appeared. It's learning to deal with them and finding tricks to manage them. But that can only happen if one gets help, at least on a weekly basis. Please TH, you are his wife, not his therapist. It is a very frightening thing to have PTSD as you really have this conviction that you are losing your head and your life. It's a humbling experience to have to say ... I NEED HELP BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF... (((Hugs))) to you and your H.