Sufferer Just Me And C-ptsd

[Ironlady]

Just wanted to take a moment to say hello and introduce myself. I'm here because quite frankly I need to be able to have a place where I can go where I don't feel alone. I am a mom of 4 kids and have been married to my husband 15 years. I am a visual artist and a creative. Who I am other than that? I don't know yet as I never developed a self. I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. I grew up in a neglected home and with an alcoholic father. I cut ties with my parents last year after I finally reached a breaking point. I endured covert incest from both parents and was held emotionally captive in the family cult of my Father. It was so spiritually abusive and damaging that I fear for my life daily. I was raped as an early teen and sexually molested by several men who took advantage of my inability to say no. When in distress my body goes into a freeze mode instead of fight or flight which made me very vulnerable. The attacks were never reported because I feared I would've been killed. It was only after a year in therapy that I was even able to tell my therapist. Most days I am just trying to survive at this point. Although I spent my whole life feeling ashamed and inadequate I developed coping strategies and adapted to my situation that helped me to survive. The PTSD is more intense now than in previous years because things that I tried to forget and suppress have come back to haunt me. Everyday it feels like I am in a battle to save my life.

 

[Ironlady]

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi Ironlady. Welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you've written (neglect/ACOA/abuse/rape....). I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but please know you are amongst a good many supportive folks who can offer genuine compassion and a great deal of wisdom. I hope you will find what you are seeking - healing and a better way of living. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

Just saw your second post, after submitting mine. While what you posted is true, there can be healing. I hope you have found your way to a therapist to help you work through all of this. VB

 

[kona355]

@Link Removed - I'm glad you found this forum. It's a great place to learn, find supportive people who understand, and by this ease that feeling of being so alone. Welcome -

 

[Ironlady]

Hi Ironlady. Welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you've written (neglect/ACOA/abuse/rape......

Thank you.. I am very much the beginning stages of healing so I am hopeful things get better and more manageable over time. Thank you for taking the time to say hello and for your message.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Ironlady , I know it's hard to believe right now as things seem worse, but as you work through this and remember and deal with the trauna of your past those feelings will lessen. You will feel stronger, more in control of your life, a little more at peace. It won't happen over night and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Who I am other than that? I don't know yet as I never developed a self.

I too went through a period of feeling that way, I was only living for my husband and children. I used almost those exact words; who am I other than a wife and mother, I had no self, no personal identity. It almost cost me to divorce my husband, to leave my children, my family. I didn't know I had PTSD at that time. Luckily my husband stuck by my side through my craziness, and helped me find myself. Now with the help of revealing my past to my husband this year, and getting therapy for the PTSD (which I now know I have) I'm on my road to calmer, happier days. I hope and pray that you found / find an awesome T who can do the same for you. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, but welcome to the forum. I hope you find the support you need. :hug: hugs if you'll accept. Raven

 

[Ironlady]

Just saw your second post, after submitting mine. While what you posted is true, there can be h...

I am. I started therapy a year and a half ago. It's taken me a long time just to get to a place where I trust my therapist with everything. It's all come out in bits and pieces. I'm hopeful things will get better and improve over time.

 

[Ironlady]

@Ironlady , I know it's hard to believe right now as things seem worse, but as you...

Aww..thank you. That's exactly how I have been feeling. I love my husband and children but sometimes when I'm having a flashback and feeling overwhelmed I want nothing more than to be somewhere alone. My therapist is really good. I just have a hard time talking. Lol. I spent my whole life not being able to speak what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can and I still struggle with that. But it's definitely better!

 

[Ironlady]

@Link Removed - I'm glad you found this...

Thank you very much. I really appreciate that.

 

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks for sharing about your story. :)
I have also experienced a similar childhood and am slowly working through it. :hug:
I hope the forum proves useful.
Just take it day by day, moment by moment. :hug: :)

 

[Ironlady]

Thanks for sharing about your story. :)
I have also experienced a similar childhood and am slowly w...

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm sorry you had to endure similar traumas. Yes, one day at a time for sure. I'm just glad I am finally in a place where I'm starting to move forward. Even if it feels like I am crawling and scratching to just move a centimeter. :shy: