Just Three Months

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have been home from my last inpatient stay for just three months and I am headed back. A lot of things piled up in the last month and I don't even know who I am anymore. I just have been in depression and suicide ideation/attempt mode for the last few weeks.

It means leaving my kids again and missing my oldest son's birthday. I hate it. I cried with him last night. Then, I cried on my own and wailed to my husband and asked what kind of mother leaves her babies. He had a good answer and said the kind that wants to come back and be there for their future. It's still really hard. I have barely gotten over the guilt and shame from missing my youngest son's birthday last year. And I feel horrible to leave my husband alone. Then, I try to reason with myself and remind myself that if I didn't leave to get help I might end up leaving him in a more permanent way and that's not what I want.

I am scared to go even though I have been to this place a few times. I just am so lost that I hope than can help me at least find the start of the path back to me. Anyway, I wanted to get some of this out of my head and I know people on hear can understand some of these emotions and the experience so I thought I would post.

 

[Binkie]

Hello, it sounds like you're having a rough time with this but I'm sure it is not a decision you have taken lightly.

Parents have a lifetime of putting their children first - but sometimes they NEED to put themselves first for the sake of themselves and their children. As you say, you are at risk of this suicidal ideation escalating into actual planning or even making an attempt at ending your life. I know that YOU know what is best for your children - having their mother around for many years to come from a relatively brief hospital admission is infinitely better than the alternative.

Please stop beating yourself up over this. You have to put your health first when suicide becomes a very real risk. Yes, you may miss your youngest child's Birthday, but if you go into hospital to get better, think of all the Birthdays to come over many years that you can share with them! You can even spend some of your time on the unit thinking about ways you can make his Birthday this year special, even if you're not there - and the ways in which you can celebrate with him when you do see him.

Depression is NOT your fault. Seeking treatment may be a choice, but so is suicide and you are choosing the better option and what is best for you AND your family. It will be extremely hard for you and for your children at times, I don't doubt that - but you will get through it as a family and hopefully you will have a much better and brighter future together.

What is the alternative? To stay at home and have things potentially spiral out of control? Is that a risk you can realistically take? I don't believe it is, for anyone.

Wishing you all the best. I really hope you feel better soon :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you, @Binkie , that's the kind of pep talk/reality check I needed this morning.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I got out of the hospital in December (36 day stay) and just had 2 one week in patient stays back to back. I have missed 2 christmases, a New Year's Eve, thanksgiving Easter and Mother's Day throughout my life from being in the hospital. Last year I was in a PHP for my own birthday.

But the alternatives would have sucked. I'd probably be dead if I didn't go to most of these treatments. I wouldn't have met my husband, my stepson....

The good thing with birthdays is that we get to celebrate them whenever we want. You may miss your sons actual day, but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate it before you go, or when you get back. Kids like presents cake singing and fun any time during the year, and they definitely want a healthy parent to celebrate it with them.

 

[Volwulf]

If you're considering suicide, think of your children first when you do. Remember that they need you.

You'll miss a whole lot more if you're gone