Just Useless And Tired

[Sammyiam]

@hodge

Hi thank you for asking, I sat in my car for a few hours then came home, I'm not feeling much better so I have turned on my electric blanket and taken some stuff to make me sleep. And I'm laying in bed with my dogs listening to the strong wind and rain. I am terrifried of dying of something that is my fault that I have been bad or something I have done to make me get this long slow illness that I am going to get because I am a bad person and that's why I'm going to get it. I have thought like this since I was about 10 years old. Like I have said before I never thought I would make 15. I just want all the paranoia, fear, guilt, shame to stop and my head to be silent.

I came home tonight and asked my husband of 28 years that he shouldn't have to put up with me anymore and that I would pack a bag leave everything to him and just walk away. I feel like I am useless and not worthy of being married to him anymore. I have let our marriage down and carnt even work full time any more. I can sometimes work and when I can I work myself to death I just feel like I carnt stop. Then I get paranoid about the weilding fumes killing me beacause I'm bad and it's going to kill me and can go months not even being able to open my shed door up. My thinking is so screwed up, part of me knows this part of me thinks it's so real.

I must sound like such a loser. On one hand I'm terrifried of dying and on the other hand here I am thinking of taken a whole heap of pills just to make it silent.

I just don't no what to think any more

 

[littlelostchild]

:hug:
Sammy you are a lovely person who is going through a very tough time right now!

You have so many people who love you!

Please call a crisis line if you are really thinking of taking those pills!

You are my friend and I want you to be safe!

Little

 

[Ronin]

Hey Sammy,
I'm sorry everything's feeling so overloading right now.

You're definitely not a loser, you're a very open and sincere person who's brave enough and shares her fears and anxieties with people, that isn't loser-y.

You're sharing with us, you've shared with your husband, that's all rather deep & capable person & brave person signs, to me.

You aren't bad, and you aren't going to die.

(Besides, if you were bad, that still doesn't mean you'd be going to die. As I'm looking at all the abusers all around? They're living just fine, so chances are you'd be well off.)

What about the other route, what is there that brings you comfort? ;) If there's anything you deserve, it's comfort and safety and being well.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sammy,

Death and grieving is a difficult process for many. It is a top stressor and if one's cup is full...then we spin out in our special style. You know this season is a just a season, right? BTW divorce is the same as facing death(s) so even if it had rationale basis...this would not be the time. If you are thinking past suicide ideation then...get help now. March right in and get checked in, call a crisis center...it is important.

Grief therapy is something you need right now and having meds checked. This is survival time. This is where you need to "ask" for help and know that is what we were given a mouth for...

You said you didn't know what to think... So think- " I need to be seen for an appointment. I am in a crisis." And place yourself in a good T's hands...now, please. It is the smart thing to do. (((hugs)))

New Zealand:
http://www.lifeline.org.nz/corp_Home_378_2001.aspx

Life 24/7 help 0800 543 354

Suicide Hotline 24/7 0508 828 865 (0508

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sammyiam ...nice to see you hit the like button, lest we have to disco dance to New Zealand!:hug:

Keep letting us know you are ok Sammy...this is important. xxx (.);)

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug::hug::hug: Thanks for checking in Sammy. Please post when you can, as we love to hear from you.

PM me if you wish...glad to listen. (((hugs)))

 

[Sammyiam]

Thank you everyone, I love the cat in the hat pic, you guys are very special. I think so very much of my friends on here, you are all so good and when someone is in need there is always someone to be there to help you out. My day started out a bit down and the weather is very windy and raining which I don't mind.

I have been sitting thinking about my Mum and our past. She never ever put me in a place in the family where I was thought of in any as good as the rest in my family. My sister was always on a higher level by about 100 levels. I wrote in another thread how I just didn't feel anything and had no tears as when ever I felt sad the were a 100 means things I could just put there in its place. You think that now she is gone she couldn't do anything more to me but like in the adds that say..


But wait there's more, well she has had the last say as they put it, from the grave. I won't go Into details but just the fact that she really let me know and had the last say. I don't care about material things or money but what really hurts me so much is the principals behind it. Just to kick you in the guts by saying your sister is so much better than you are and that your sister is so much more valued than you are. It just really has the last say to have her just say that you are just a useless piece of shit and you are and never have been as good as your sister and that is my parting words from me to you and always remember that your sister is so much better than you.

That's what today brought in the mail, it just makes me think what a horrible thing to do, I would never put one of my children above another and say that she meant so much more than the other. I think it is one of the most hurtful things someone can do.

Well here she is 6 feet under the ground and still making me feel like a piece of shit, she will haunt me forever now after today I will never forgive her for telling me that I'm worthless and useless.

Sorry everyone

 

[Recovery4Me]

Well here she is 6 feet under the ground and still making me feel like a piece of shit, sh

:hug::hug::hug: You voiced it!!!! How courageous! To get a little angry (justifiably so) can be such a start. She was very mean:poop::poop::poop:. Very.

I was taught in my grief group to write a letter to my Dad. It was very hard to do and took many tears as well as several attempts. I then had a ceremony where I dropped the crumbled letter off a 14 story building. Another member burnt hers in a very nice bonfire and roasted marshmallows over it. There are so many creative ideas to make sure the pain someone gave us stays buried with them in the ground!

Let me know if you think of any, so I can add it to my list! :hug:

So glad to hear from you. I know everyone else will celebrate as well. You are dear to us. xx

 

[Recovery4Me]

Thinking of you... tap pix to explore paths for today!:):hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

Thinking of you... just popping in :hug::hug::hug:

 

[mrsps]

Evening Sammy, hope the last couple of days have been better for you :)

 

[ms spock]

Sammy - when you are up for it looking at it Complex Trauma and Developmental Trauma would be two things to look into. All the stuff you are expressing - through my limited understanding - makes sense to me.

The feeling so bad about yourself, I so get, that and have lived that. You are not alone.

Your mother was appalling to you on so many levels. I didn't think so far as the will, but with the horrendous ways she treated you through her dying process it is not unexpected she will dump more rubbish. Your mother had huge problems and she was not a nice person. She used you as a scapegoat and somehow you reminded her of herself or her mother and she took it all out on you. I am so sorry for what you have been through.

Don't take the pills. Get help. Ring a crisis line. Go to hospital. Tell your husband. Speak to your T. Seriously Sammy - she has done enough to you - you don't need any more pain. Get help.