Childhood Justified Child Abuse..?

[Ronin]

& there's a 'Whore is just a dirty word by people who cannot appreciate highly personal gifts some people offer', and a dirtbag selling his child wouldn't know a thing about that to be entitled to make that judgment.

Back to: You are not a whore, for you weren't offering anything, as that implies autonomy & choice, and you are not a whore, because people aren't, even though people are called that way. Special to God just by being, though, very definitely yes.

 

[Sideways]

@FridayJones - having someone start their attack on what he was trying to sell me, without just telling me "it's all lies" makes it so much easier to read your reply. It'll take a bit for the words to sink in, but maybe if I come at it from this different direction, that a lot of it was true, it might be something I can come to accept.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the replies. I got angry at myself for putting it out there. I hate giving people the opportunity to say bad things about my abuser. But this has been incredibly helpful to me.

I've been told about, and read about, child abuse victims sympathising with their abuser - like yeah, it was actually really charitable for him to teach me what I had to learn. But hearing other people say the same thing about their abuser, it's making me physically ill, and I gues my body's trying to tell me something there, like, "this is really sick and messed up".

 

[Sideways]

@Dana1010 - every day when I wasn't in my 'special lessons', my abuser openly lavished attention on me. And always, always, when I first walked into his office for my lesson, he would begin with a speech about how special I was.

No one else has, or will ever, do that for me again.

So yeah, it's really hard to see him as anything other than an incredibly generous, charitable man who put himself through hell just to help me. As for ever being able to hate him? I don't think I'll ever reach that point.

 

[ms spock]

No one else has, or will ever, do that for me again.

Actually that is not true.

As time goes on you can learn self compassion, self care, self soothing, self loving and a whole host of other skills.

As you get on top of the self doubt, the self hatred and all the other results of child abuse you could possibly learn in the future to lavish attention on yourself. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but change can happen.

That is little child talking from a state of deprivation - that is not you, the adult now - you have different choices now.

 

[Sideways]

@Ms Spock - thank you! I just got that message right on the verge of a meltdown. A couple of my alters aren't coping with this Cardinal Pell/justified abuse stuff so well, so I'm kind of desperately trying to keep myself grounded (hospital discharge in 2 days - must NOT have a meltdown now).

Hard to self-soothe when you don't like yourself so much, even harder when you're stuck in hospital. But that's exactly what I need right now

 

[ms spock]

@Ragdoll Circus

http://self-compassion.org/ this is Kristin Neff's website and it has free audio.

David Burn's book "Feeling Good" search for his talks online - he has lots of good stuff to say. He breaks down and bust distorted cognitions in solid ways.

"The Mindful Way Through Depression" is really good for getting on top of distorted cognitions. Don't do Mindfulness until you can break down and bust distorted cognitions in a big ways, it is dangerous. But for listening to on youtube so you can hear the same thought patterns as you have and hear how distorted that they are.

You have to find what works for you @Circus Ragdoll. Other members can make suggestions about what to do but you have to make your own way. You need to be stable and safe before you deal with the bigger questions.

 

[Lucycat]

He abused me, so either it had no purpose other than to destroy my life & isolate me...or it had a purpose and, at least in that case, I learned how to be good at it?

No. It was not about you. It was about your abuser. You were simply the 'tool' he used to gain whatever satisfaction he got out of the abuse. THAT was his purpose. He felt good calling you these names and doing whatever he did. Cruel as it sounds you were irrelevant to his story.

But that means you are free to recover. You have moved on. Don't go looking back fondly. He didn't care about you however much he said differently.

 

[Klo]

How do you persude yourself that the justification they used to abuse you is just lies?

I think one of the best, and most straightforward ways to see through it, is to imagine someone you love, imagine that they went through exact same thing, and imagine what you would say to them about it. Would you tell them that hey, maybe they really were a Whore of God and maybe it was fine? I'm guessing not.

 

[Ocean5]

Thanks all for sharing, and insight. I find this thread very helpful, and bookmarked it to reread when in better shape.

@Ragdoll Circus
Stay strong - you will get through this. Just the fact you survived your childhood shows how strong you are. *hug* if you accept.

 

[Stickler]

He probably chose you because you were a very lonely, neglected child. Children need kindness. You needed kindness.
So you were " special " in that respect...that you were neglected and vulnerable. The kindness was enough of a draw that you would keep coming back to him.

I'm suspecting the lessons were part of the arousal process for him, so it was not JUST brainwashing upon yourself?
He was getting a sexual enjoyment from the talks.

That the kindness and praise given you wasn't exactly genuine is evidenced by him dropping you when you became too old to pique his sexual interest and/or he found another prepubertal girl amenable to the same sort of manipulation.

Note that I am saying the above not as an attack on him. I am stating an opinion.

You are a unique, special person. You are important. You are worthy and lovable.

That has nothing to do with him at all or his strange ideas.

 

[Ronin]

So yeah, it's really hard to see him as anything other than an incredibly generous, charitable man who put himself through hell just to help me.

I've known a couple super charitable, generous, charming, organizationally skilled, well looking, yadda yadda ad nauseum, men... whose charm was only good to get my friends blown to pieces.... and it still wasn't good enough to make me stop feeling /for them/, until I started working on where exactly do my priorities & loyalties lie & who really matters more.

It wasn't them. That I tried my damnedest to break off meant it wasn't them. Whatever the rest of my head had, my heart had it straight the first time.

So just saying, you're working on it, that's a good leap forward, don't think in 'never evers', because you're breaking that never ever by what you're doing NOW, and it's a good step forward.

(So tempted to hit anonymous but dangabit, don't have the spoons to change my style of writing for it, so f*ck it.)

 

[anonymous]

It can be both terribly relieving and simultaneously sad to realise that others behaviour really isn't about us. Its about that person And thier own demons or lack of a self in the a sense. You truly are the innocent party in this. He has his own story but that takes nothing away from your truth. That truth is that you were an innocent child desperate for love. Love is necessary for survival for children so no wonder. He was very clever manupulating that fact. For his own reasons.

Sometimes letting go and admitting that we are not to blame is the same as letting go of our perceived power. But you do have power. Your power is rather about fighting back for your truth and being free from the abuse. You are already doing that, Stockholm happens for very good reason and none of it is your fault. You are valuable and innocent. Your truth and control lie in other things and truths,