Keep Beng Hurt Again And Again..want To Cut. Why Aren't I Good Enough To Be Believed?

[purpleswirled]

i keep reaching out and being hurt again and again..........it is a pattern in my life. I was been from getting therapy or counselling by my parents as a child and teenager even though i have history of mental illness requiring intensive treatment. i sneaked behind their backs to get it. then as an adult in my 30s i am being turned away from services designed for people who have been sexually assaulted or faced parental abuse even though i have been asessed as having been abused by my father mentally and physically. Now i wonder why i am so worthless that oit keeps happening? tempted to cut tonight but domn't want to break a long abstinence

 

[Stickler]

From what I know of the UK system, it is just slammed with calls for service.
I don't know why your GP is not referring you for service.
They should.
Try looking into MIND and/or other NGO's, see what they can do for you.

 

[Binkie]

Purpleswirled, I believe you. I have no reason not to.

The NHS is under dire pressure and severe financial hardship, particularly in mental health services. That doesn't mean they should turn their backs on patients, however.

What treatment HAVE you received, and when was that? Also, how did you 'sneak behind their backs' to get the treatment you needed? Did it help?

Have you considered concating your local Mind for counselling? It's free, but they would love a donation if you can afford it. I've had counselling through my local branch of Mind and my counsellor was absolutely superb. There's also Samaritans, Sane, Papyrus and others. I have a pretty comprehensive list of helplines if it would be of any use to you in the interim.

 

[purpleswirled]

Purpleswirled, I believe you. I have no reason not to.

The NHS is under dire pres...

When i say sneaked behind their backs, what i mean is i went ahead and applied for treatment anyway- i was a major self harm and suicide risk as a teenager as well as ED and drinking too much. my parents forbade me to get into mental health system but i knew i needed help so went and did it anyway. I am under care of local MH team again as of the other week due to being admitted to hospital for observation. I had been discharged last November because they said i had so much DBT and other stuff they needed me to give it a chance for that to work? (had DBT from 2012 to 2014, was very helpful in terms of regulating myself and i am way higher functioning than i was, but feel had only just started processing things from my past (i only had the courage to break away from my parents in 2012 at the ripe old age of 30!)
The other week the MH team told me they want to refer me back to psychiatrist (who has kept discharging me cos he thinks i'm a waste of space) because my meds just arenj't doing it for me anymore. they lso want ,me to consider MBT (Mentalisation based therapy) as a huge issue of mine at moment is paranoia. Current therapist not helping much ( i am having a sort of mish mash of counselling at the moment- psychodynamic based) but have been advised to do four more months with her. sessions with her are monthly.

 

[purpleswirled]

i did try getting into a support group some years ago with a charity organisation years ago for sexual abuse but counsellor thought i didn;t need it enough (when i went there i was in waiting room and this woman was mocking me to her colleague- i had no real support then, my CPN who i was seeing often minimised my abuse saying i just had to control my BPD and that "kids these days dress scantily- maybe your abusers thought you were ok with it. not saying it is yourt fault, but..." so i thought this charity was my only hope? i was very desperate, not eating, sleeping and would often wander the city streets at night not caring what happened to me) I felt desperate and went into other room to cut myself but they saw mw so that was end of that....i shouls have waited but feelingsbuilding up and i thought i'd explode. i also wanted them to see how much i was hurting. very childish and stupid of me, i realise that but i seemed to have no ability to care about anyone else any more

 

[joeylittle]

have been advised to do four more months with her. sessions with her are monthly.

My opinion - your daily coping and regulation skills want to be stronger before you delve into any trauma work. I know it can seem like the only way to get better is to tunnel down into it, but if you can't compartmentalize, it's very hard to do the processing work.

Maybe you and current therapist can set some goals for you in your life that will build and strengthen a healthier foundation, so that when you do process your trauma, you aren't at risk for self harm.

 

[purpleswirled]

then there was this lady at my church. i had moved there in 2006 and she had been trained in both mental health and counselling. she was the first person i opened up to about the verabl and emotional abuse from my dad- only the sex stuff had been focused on before that, as if the other stuff hadn't counted. i can't get my head rpound why people think the other stuff i sless damaging. she believed me 100 per cent and helped me navigate the housing system (A s a physically disable dperson unable to work it was difficult of me to find a place to live which fitted with my mobility and care needs and arrange "flaoting" support 9council care)/ She helped me with all that and mentored me in my faith. my concept of God was very screwed up because of he abuse being perpetrated by Christians. She was lovely and then one day i was unwell and she couldn't contact me- she thought i had harmed myself and she phoned my parents. my father was in a good mood and was being nice about me. So my friend told me "your dad is noce to you can't you just forgive him for the past?" i told her i no longer hated him and knew he was trying to make amends biut that i was scared of him. she told me "you have to mkove on from that." This woman not only worked on mental health wards she was doing a qualification in trauma counselling! Months later i brought the subject up and again and she says something to the effect of "You ahve lied before about things to stop me leaving you or because you scared of abandonment (sadly, i had done that, i'm ashamed to say) so you probably lying that your dad abused you. " She would often encourage me to see my dad even when i felt uncomfortable. that day i cried and cried. i just wanted to throw myself under a bus but didnt have the courage. i ended up slashing myself to ribbons. I am stil friends with this woman but that betrayal devastated me. i fel afraid to confide in her bout it any more

apologies for typos.....

 

[purpleswirled]

My opinion - your daily coping and regulation skills want to be stronger before you delve into any t...

Perhaps you are right. i keep thinking I am ready but then I just can't cope and fall to bits again....will try see what i can do re: therapist in terms of setting goals