Keeping It Together... Dealing With Symptoms...

[redfox]

I don't talk to anyone about the PTSD or my symptoms except my therapist of course but it still makes me really uncomfortable to talk about it. I haven't even talked about the symptoms much on here. But I am just terrified every day that I'm descending into some pit I will never get out of. My mother was destroyed by mental illness and I am afraid it will happen to me to. I try to be in control, to keep it together, and usually in public I do OK but I fall apart sometimes when I am alone. Last night was really bad for me and the worst thing is its the weather that triggered me, something there is no possibility to get away from or to make it stop. Rain and especially thunderstorms or heavy rain are really difficult for me and I feel like such a f*cking loser for it. How do you admit as a grown man that you are afraid of f*cking thunderstorms. It rained most of the night and I did not get much sleep. Sometimes I just feel like I am in hell. Like I have died and gone to hell and all that is left is mental and physical agony for eternity. Sorry that sounds dramatic it's just there seems like no end in sight. Now it's morning and I have to go to work and I am afraid everyone out there knows me for what I am, and I can't face it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am all alone and no one can ever help me out of this. No one even understands what "this" is. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Kintsugi]

Dear Redfox,
you are not alone, at least in your feelings. Remember when you are out in the world that you are way stronger than most of the people you will encounter, and they would be motified to hear of your tribulations.
I know it's hard to see an end, but when I think things like that, I try to think about all that I have overcome, including my traumas. Somehow I survived those situations to tell about it today. You did too.
Be well.

 

[redfox]

Thanks MissAntiSunshine. I am feeling a little better this afternoon. But still, I just don't think anything I went through was that bad. I think if you asked 10 random people on the street if they had experienced anything worse at least a couple of them would have. So when I go out in the world I don't look around and think, I have PTSD because I went through worse things than these people. I think, a lot of these people have been through worse than me and they didn't get PTSD, so what's wrong with me?

 

[Kintsugi]

Redfox, my best gal pal and I stride out into the streets and people think what vibrant young ladies we are. But every day is a masquerade ball. It is at 2am that we find each other curled into a ball and weeping for the losses we have suffered and the trauma we have endured. It is through the subtle gestures we can interpret in one another that we can see the other's pain when everybody else sees a smile.
When I first learned rape statistics for women I used to approximate the female population in all of my environments (grocery stores, a mall, a park) and wondered how many of them were wearing their masks too.
I guess I am trying to say that when we are viewed in public it is sometimes hard to tell how much sh*t is under it all. There is nothing wrong with you.

 

[redfox]

I guess that is true that I can't know if those other people on the street have PTSD or not. I still think though that most people in my situation would not have developed PTSD and it's some kind of flaw in me that caused me to. Maybe something in my genetics since mental illness runs in my family. Or some character flaw. I don't know. I hope that when I am out and about no one sees what I am afraid they see. There's a couple times I was not able to keep it together in public though and it's always those that my mind replays over and over again when I am hating myself. I really wish I was a different person than I am.

 

[Kintsugi]

Redfox, I brushed up on some of your other posts to try and get a better understanding of where you're coming from.

It sounds like your siblings have either not dealt with the situation you were all faced with or they simply did not develop PTSD as you did. I don't know why this is. My abuser (brother) was abused but definitely doesn't have PTSD, though he has a host of other issues which he chooses NOT to deal with. I can say with absolute certainty that I am the better person for dealing with my issues and accepting my condition and what has happened to me. If I were not who I am, it's possible that from what I've been through I would have killed myself or just not dealt with it at all.

I hope that you can embrace that you are a stronger person for choosing to work on and wrestle with these deeply troubling issues. You are a wonderful person who has been through a horrible ordeal, and you deserve credit for your accomplishment in just breathing today.

 

[redfox]

Well, I don't have PTSD from anything my father did although I guess all that could have complicated it. I have PTSD because of an accident I witnessed and only one of my sisters was there, the rest of my siblings were not. So obviously they did not develop it, but I don't know why my sister didn't. But yes my father did not treat me so well and I think that complicated things for me.

It's true that people here (and my therapist) say things like how I am a strong person for dealing with these things, but it just seems to me that a strong person wouldn't have these problems to begin with. I didn't go through a horrible ordeal... I just had a life that was maybe a little harder than average. When I was in foster care I saw a lot of kids who had way more f*cked up lives than me, and some of them were doing badly and others not so bad but none of them had PTSD as far as I know. Most of them had much worse things happen to them that landed them there. Me, I was just a kid who couldn't behave himself and who was angry at everyone and that was my main problem.

 

[Kintsugi]

Redfox,
It concerns me that you repeatedly (not here but elsewhere) reference your bad behavior as a child. I have no idea what your entire life has been like, but it seems unfair that you refer to your younger self as some sort of mess who couldn't keep things straight or behave or drop his attitude or whatever it is you see when you look back. It seems that you've held yourself accountable from a young age and turned that sense of accountability into a lamentation of guilt. What I'm saying is possibly not the case. It is just an observation I am interpreting through these posts and others, and this interpretation I have makes me concerned about your self-image. One of my best friends saw his dad fall off of a ladder while working on a roof. He landed on the driveway and could have easily died from the trauma to his head. My friend was just a kid. It was traumatic for him. Just because my traumas were many and long-term doesn't make his trauma invalid. Just because I wasn't kidnapped and sexually trafficked does not make my trauma less valid.

Is it possible that your early emotional/behavioral issues were a reaction to something in childhood or simply made you more sensitive to pressured/intense situations?

 

[redfox]

I don't make excuses for myself. I try to own up to my actions and take responsibility for them. I understand it's different as a child than as an adult, and for instance I don't take as much responsibility for bad things I did when I was 5 vs when I was 15 because a 5 year old just doesn't know any better sometimes. But a 15 year old is only 3 years away from being a legal adult and someone that age can even be tried as an adult in certain situations. I don't think it's a self esteem issue it's just me taking responsibility for how I have behaved and what I have done rather than trying to blame others or pass it off to someone else. I really try not to do that because in the end my actions are no one's fault but my own.

I can't say exactly where it comes from but as far back as I can remember I was always misbehaving. The accident happened when I was 10 and I know I got worse after that but I can't say if it was the trauma or it was just part of growing up and becoming an adolescent. But I was almost impossible to control sometimes and I would get in fights constantly both at school and with my brothers, would destroy things, steal, vandalize, disrespect authority, got into drinking and drugs pretty early etc. They put me in special ed because of my behavior problems, and it just kept getting worse. My family and teachers and counselors and social workers told me I was headed towards prison if I didn't change. Well I guess I did change because I am not in prison. But I don't consciously know how I changed I guess it was a gradual thing so I can't really commend myself for it.

Now my siblings have had troubles too but they never were as bad as me. I think I was just born this way and I really feel bad for all the problems I caused my family. Especially ones relating to the accident which I know I still have not explained but I am really just afraid to on a public forum like this where everyone can see it. But I know I have a lot of guilt and responsibility in that situation too and sometimes it is just so overwhelming that I wonder why I am still alive when I know I don't deserve to be.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't make excuses for myself. I try to own up to my actions and take responsibility for them. I understand it's different as a child than as an adult... I don't think it's a self esteem issue it's just me taking responsibility for how I have behaved and what I have done rather than trying to blame others or pass it off to someone else. I really try not to do that because in the end my actions are no one's fault but my own.

Your sense of responsibility is commendable. I just was trying to ensure that you weren't berating yourself unfairly. Sometimes we are not kind enough to ourselves.

I can't say exactly where it comes from but as far back as I can remember I was always misbehaving.

Okay, upstart child. A lot of children grow up in this fashion of misbehavior. My SO did. He has learned over time to cope with his mistakes and became a better person through his individual challenges in changing his behavior and thinking. Children are children are children. I don't believe in "bad seeds."

The accident happened when I was 10 and I know I got worse after that but I can't say if it was the trauma or it was just part of growing up and becoming an adolescent.

I was always so angry and confused by my thoughts and behaviors and always being told from every environment and source that adolescent girls are just f*cking nuts. I was depressed, suicidal, otherwise self-destructive, am was exhibiting a lot of symptoms that I now understand as products of my history. But I never spoke up during that period because I was just a girl approaching my teen years. My pain seemed about as notable as a cough on a subway. Meanwhile I allowed myself to waste away in my issues because I was being told how normal it was.

They put me in special ed because of my behavior problems, and it just kept getting worse. My family and teachers and counselors and social workers told me I was headed towards prison if I didn't change.

They put you in special ed... because of behavioral problems. This must have been frustrating for you. A friend of mine with high-functioning autism was sent to special ed. Within his first year of college he had started his own non-profit and was profiled in prestigious publications for his organization. The way he was labeled as a problem in school was unfair and unwarranted. I personally think that public schools with special ed can be really harmful, even to children who have learning differences that greatly impair their scholastic performance, so I am bias in thinking this must have been a terrible ordeal for you.

Well I guess I did change because I am not in prison. But I don't consciously know how I changed I guess it was a gradual thing so I can't really commend myself for it.

Change seems to very rarely happen over night and is not always a product of constant diligence but a slowly adapting perception and understanding. Most change seems to be insidious. That does not mean you don't deserve credit. It seems unfair to take responsibility for your bad behaviors but not for your accomplishments over time.

Especially ones relating to the accident which I know I still have not explained but I am really just afraid to on a public forum like this where everyone can see it.

This is a big step, disclosing on a public forum. No one will judge you for explaining and divulging in your own time and at the level of your personal comfort and limits. Putting your experience out in the world in such an accessible place is intimidating and is not a light task. I appreciate what you have shared about yourself thus far on the forum. You are a valued participant of the community no matter the extent of your sharing.

But I know I have a lot of guilt and responsibility in that situation too and sometimes it is just so overwhelming that I wonder why I am still alive when I know I don't deserve to be.

! You are worrying me, Redfox. You deserve to be alive, loved, appreciated, and happy. I appreciate that you are here today.

 

[redfox]

I don't mean to worry you. I didn't mean I was suicidal or anything, because I'm not, it just sometimes doesn't make sense to me why I have lived this long. I think a lot about the accident and why I didn't die instead, and how things would have turned out better for everyone if I did. Well, except for my twin sister. If I had died I think it would have been really hard for her growing up. So in that way I am glad I didn't, because I don't want her to be hurt. But besides that I just don't know sometimes.

And yes it was very frustrating being in special ed. I never was very good at school but before that I was just in the regular lowest level classes and not special ed. I think it was grade 5 or 6 when I was first put in special ed. Then I was in it through high school (I went to more than one school but was always in special ed.) There were other kids with behavior problems in there too, it wasn't just kids who were mentally retarded. I started hanging out with those kids because everyone else thought I was a weirdo and I think my behavior escalated because they would encourage me to do bad things. So I don't think special ed is a good solution for these kids, it just isolates them and they feed off each other at least in my experience. Kids in the regular classes would call me a 'sped' because they knew it made me mad even though I was not retarded. They knew I wasn't, they also called me psycho and things like that. My sister was in regular classes throughout this time and I know it embarassed her sometimes. She didn't have many friends either and I always wonder if it was because of me. But she did stick by me and I really appreciate her for that. Of course after I didn't live with my family anymore I went to different schools and there was no one there to stick by me.

Wow I am really writing a lot in this thread, I'm sorry to write so much but it just kind of keeps coming out. I'm sure this is really boring to everyone but me.... lol. But it does feel good to talk about it. I don't think about these things in detail a lot but it's always there in the back of my mind. Putting it into works kind of helps it make more sense.

 

[Kintsugi]

Redfox, I would not check for your updates and continue to respond if I was bored.

It sounds like you have been through a tough time. Getting this stuff out is important. I think I will stop posting to this thread because I am turning it into such a one-to-one discussion, and I don't want this thread to be exclusive in case someone else can help you through your thoughts more effectively or give more insight than I, but I would be very happy to continue speaking to you through a private conversation or chat.

Be kind to yourself and keep up the posting. I look forward to seeing more of your posts/threads/conversations.