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Military Killing Is Not What Messes With Your Head

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Thank you for sharing. As a supporter of a combat vet, I am grateful to be given additional perspective. Thank you for your service and I'm sorry for what you have gone and continue to go through.
 
Thank you so much for writing this.

I'd never ask my Marine if he killed someone. He did three tours in Iraq at the height of the war and was an infantryman that took Fallujah. He HAD to have. But that is what happens in war. He did what had to be done. I'm proud of him.

He told me a story about a door they just couldn't kick in and how one of the guys ran into it over and over until he almost passed out, apparently they all they thought this was hysterical. They eventually blew the door and when he went in to clear it, there were two dead from the blast. They all got a good laugh at the comment, "they heard us knocking, should've let us in". I just chuckled and rolled my eyes and shook my head at his antics.

No matter what he tells me, I'll never give him a negative reaction. If he can share stories with me (and I do love to hear them) I want him to be able to.

Even the bad ones. Where neither of us are laughing.
 
I agree to an extent.
The first question I get asked, more often than not, when someone discovers I'm a combat veteran, is whether...
The ROE we had were pretty f*cked. Like the weather they changed on a near daily basis. Some areas were free fire this week, next week it may not be so. Don't get me started on requesting clearances either. I thought that was insanity. Sorta like apocalypse now if you've ever seen it, when he says "charging a man with murder in a place like this, is like handing out speeding tickets at the Indie 500."
It's retarded simply put. The enemy is the enemy. Or they should be. But it's hard to tell who's your enemy and who's your friend when you're universally hated. Most of the areas we operated in, the local populace was not fond of us at all. IED's were very common, as were ambushes. Some were pretty poor, but in the spring you'd get the experienced guys coming across the border. I'm getting off topic. Dammit.
Killing did mess with my head. A lot.
I started questioning everything, which is a can of worms that once you open, can make you pretty combat ineffective. I never hesitated to pull the trigger mind you, that's suicide. But just about every time. I sure didn't want too.
I started questioning everything the day I put a kid about the same age as my uncle's little boy down for coming at our checkpoint with a hand grenade.
It was a last resort.
But I started to think after that. Maybe it's the guilt of having been the one who had too.
Sometimes we'd smoke them after getting contact and I'd just sit there and think about it all.
What if it was my country that was being occupied?
Was I really that different than my enemy?
And the hardest question I think I've dealt with over time, and one I don't have an answer too. Or am too afraid to answer, is that in my heart do I honestly believe that it was worth it all? Was this mighty cause so just? Or was I just a pawn used to further some geopolitical goal? Every time I pulled the trigger on someone, was I putting down an enemy combatant who was out to destroy everything I live for and embody with my uniform? Or had he taken up arms to resist the occupation of a foreign power?
The killing did mess with my head.
And so did the bombs.
And the bullets.
And every tiny little aspect of the constant stress, deprivation, and what I truly believe was a needless sacrifice by countless individuals, not to mention personal friends.
They died defending our country and way of life didn't they?
Or did they get the grease in that third world shithole because someone else decided on behalf of everyone else that we should continue to occupy after it was clear the way we were fighting would never end the conflict?

When I look down at my wrist and see my KIA band, I tell myself Jace died so I didn't have too.
It's not a good feeling. It feels like shit. But in light of the fact that I can't make any sense out of the entire mess, i instead tell myself that, so he didn't die for nothing, no matter how small it is in the big picture.
 
They died defending our country and way of life didn't they?
i did not serve, so you can blow off my comments if you want. You asked if they died defending our country and our way of life? I think the answer is yes. We know that the radical Islamist want to destroy the culture and way of life in western civilization. They want to end the freedoms we enjoy, and instill sharia law in our land.
We also need to recognize what they are doing over there is nothing short of evil. the genocide of people who do not subscribe to a particular, the rape and murder of innocent women and children.

As tragic as war is; The destruction of evil is a necessary thing. I am sorry for your struggles and how it affects you. You asked the question of what if it was my country being occupied, and that is a fair question. The answer is simple. They know what their country is like. They know the oppression they live under, and they are aware of the genocide that has taken place, and yet still choose to pick up arms and fight. This means they are not an innocent citizen fighting an occupying force, but they are the enemy trying to continue an evil government and an evil way of life. They are the enemy.
 
I agree to an extent.

The ROE we had were pretty f*cked. Like the weather they changed o...

Quoted from the above:

"What if it was my country that was being occupied?
Was I really that different than my enemy?
And the hardest question I think I've dealt with over time, and one I don't have an answer too. Or am too afraid to answer, is that in my heart do I honestly believe that it was worth it all? Was this mighty cause so just? Or was I just a pawn used to further some geopolitical goal? Every time I pulled the trigger on someone, was I putting down an enemy combatant who was out to destroy everything I live for and embody with my uniform? Or had he taken up arms to resist the occupation of a foreign power?"

It is very rare to hear someone openly ask these questions.
It is even more uncommon for someone to actually answer these questions.
 
It is a pickle... I don't personally feel used by the military, as it was me who chose to signup, and I knew and accepted what that entailed. Politicians send troops to war... so it's absolutely a game of chess for them. They don't give a shit about us, and honestly, I haven't met a soldier who gave a shit about politicians and their shiny suits, sitting on their arse sending troops to war with an email.

I don't personally find any war worth it. Shit, I didn't find peace keeping worth it. Someone once said to me, "we should let them all fight it out between themselves." For the most part, I agree with that sentiment. When I don't agree, is when one neighbouring country starts killing civilians in the other, just because they can, and want to feel powerful. Then I agree that help on the ground to kick their arse, has purpose... and all casualties are just that. Those sort of countries and people need to be taught a lesson.

I personally felt like I walked away from some operations fulfilled. I did some good and watched good being done. They were humanitarian missions, ones where there were bad people, but they were limited and being rounded up by internal forces and police -- not us. We were just there to help those who had been affected, where dying, starving, wounded and such, as a result. I got a lot of personal reward from those.

Many of the other places I served, or times... not so much. I think they were political. The whole middle east issue is political... and oil based. Who holds the oil has the power. They've been killing each other for thousands of years, and no amount of interjection by other countries is going to change that. Shit... those very people who migrate to other countries as refugee's, stupidly then continue the same shit in another country where that type of thing isn't tolerated, or exists. They just can't help themselves.

Religion... f*ck religion. It is the single cause of nearly every war to date. Every religion should be stripped from society and no such thing allowed to exist. Too many people do stupid shit in the name of their religious beliefs. Before you Catholics get your back up... do some damn research. The Catholic religion to date has done possibly the most killing in the name of their religious views. God told me too! Change to our religion or die.

Every time I pulled the trigger on someone, was I putting down an enemy combatant who was out to destroy everything I live for and embody with my uniform? Or had he taken up arms to resist the occupation of a foreign power?
I personally find this one the easiest to answer. They're no different than us. There to do their job. Us or them mentality, regardless the politics. We all have family, loved ones, friends, people who will mourn us and miss us. The enemy... well, that depends what side you're on to who you refer. I can call the other side the enemy, yet they call me the same thing. Them or me, simple as that. We're all just pawns doing our job, getting paid to do the worst of humanity.

Just my opinion though... and politicians really piss me off.
 
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