Lack Of Connection; Social Suicide?

[desiderata310]

I have come to realize that I am incapable of forming any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone.

I don't feel connected to my kids. The only people I really have any sort of contact with are co-workers and since I am their supervisor I don't have a real friendship there.

I had one 'friend' but I have come to realize that I can't really look at him as a friend because in so many ways he has knowingly hurt me and never apologized. He is, in many ways, a kind if abuser or maybe 'user' is a better term.

Even my cat would literally, shit on me if given half the chance. ( that's actually kind of funny to think about)

Perhaps it's better to live as a hermit. When I think about disconnecting from the world and who all would be affected I realized that NO ONE would notice- and that really doesn't even make me sad. It does kind of make me angry at myself for trying so hard for all these years to be something I am not.

I am going to quit trying to have friends and stop feeling sad that I can't seem to interact with people. I am a non- social person and I am fine with that. I am going to stop giving a shit about what those at work feel about me and just expect them to do their jobs well.

Social suicide, anyone?

 

[Lionheart]

Desiderata310,

It is all well and good if you wish to be a social hermit, but you can make some good friends here if you wish. I doubt very seriously that anyone would be abusive as most all of us have been traumatized or love someone who has been traumatized and speaking strictly for myself, I have been on a healing path for quite awhile and have no desire to hurt anyone.

I am a 53-year-old, adult, male survivor of severe, prolonged child abuse (sexual, physical, emotional etc) and I would like to encourage you to continue reaching out to others because life is, (in my humble opinion), just too short to live all alone.

Whatever you decide to do (or not do), I think you will find that the good people here will respect your right to do it as long as it doesn't cause any harm to anyone, (and that includes harm to yourself).

I have very few friends, but I am close to the ones I do have. They are like a real family to me!!! I don't think I could ever go back to being a social hermit like I once was, but this is just my 2 cents and I hope you will take it as being just one persons opinion and proof that there are caring people in the world.

Peace,
Lionheart777

 

[jmni]

I do not see anything wrong with being reclusive. There is nothing actually wrong with not wanting to social. Personally I think that you can find more fulfillment in hobbies than relationships with most people.

But what do you think prevents you from connecting to other people? What about your kids?

 

[desiderata310]

@jmni a couple of things keep me from being able to connect.
First there's my distinct inability to interact with people in a social setting. Tongue tied doesn't even cut it. I simply can't carry on a conversation to save my life. To make to worse, better, something.. I find making small talk frustrating, embarrassing and empty. I REALLY don't want to talk about the weather with someone. I don't CARE that you think it's hot and I don't like the 49ers or whatever their favorite team is.

I can't find people to trust to have those deeper conversations. Most people I have found that want to jump into "philosophical debates" aren't really interested in having a conversation, they want to show you how smart they are and demonstrate to you why every belief you've ever had is wrong or how uninformed you are about the goings on in the world.

Those who find a way around the small talk and manage to carry on a conversation with me about something other that the weather have an agenda. They want something from me or they want dirt on me so they can undermine me or they want to take something from me. I've yet to meet someone who was simply interested in getting to know me as a person with no real agenda other than to get to know me for me. (And honestly, that's all I want out of any friendship: just to get to know someone for who they are and maybe eventually get to do things together that we both enjoy) Most people who think they know a little bit about me then tell me some little bit about them selves and if I let them in they wind up hurting me: my last abuser did that. I foolishly thought that he would understand the hell I had been through when told me he had been through a rough childhood. Turns out that he used that to twist and manipulate and then as an excuse to hurt me. Why would anyone else be different?

With my kids, I don't know exactly. Something went terribly wrong in our relationship when they were very young and I have been playing catch up ever since. It's exhausting for me and frustrating for them. They prefer as little interaction with me as possible.

With the exception of the 3 minutes that my son and I maintained conversation this morning (about what his plans for the day were) and the 5 second interaction I had with the guy I had to ask to share a lane with at the pool, I've not spoken to anyone in real life. It's been actually quite nice in a way. No one (other than you poor folks) know how triggered I am today, how angry and anxious I am. If my kids knew they would either think less of me (that is NOT an exaggeration) or they would plague me with questions that I can't answer/don't want to explain to them/would make me angrier and more triggered.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have not read the other replies here, so I can only share my own thoughts, but no replies to them.

There was a hermit once who retreated into a cave to find inner peace. He was find for awhile, but then the pitter patter of the dripping water in the cave drove him to distraction and he had to come out. Notice it was not loneliness though! This was a story I read about in a book entitled THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON by Elaine N. Aron Ph. D. Maybe you might be a highly sensitive person too? You might benefit by reading this book as well. I found it for less than a dollar on Amazon.com plus shipping, of course. I am enjoying this book a lot.

I've lost "friends" too, ones that have hurt me and used me too. Yes, it really cuts ones heart open. Yes, it makes you feel like never having another friend and watching out for users like a hawk!!! I know the feeling well. Even so, I finally did open up to a few folks, ones that did not seem like users, but instead have actually turned out to be helpful to me in several ways. So don't despair. Take this break from friendships, yes, but eventually, when you are feeling better, look for some friends that are helpful. Pray for them in fact. They will be there I bet. But take your time. And do be careful. I was and am still being so now.

 

[jmni]

I'm sorry to hear about what went wrong between you and your kids and their reaction to you.

I know what you mean. When I worked in hospitality and had to speak to people my mind would draw a complete blank. A Buddhist monk jealous would of been jealous but it was very frustrating when the only thing I wanted to do was strike up some kind of conversation and connect to another person. I have also had several experiences with people with agendas and it has made me cynical; but really someone who would be toxic and nasty enough to lash out at another person like that is actually a train wreck.

At this point I am somewhat of a recluse and it has been like a revival for me. I am not dating and I have little to no social life. I live in the country in a rustic area with my cats. I have rethought much of my ethics and been able to analyze my life style. I have to agree with you that most people actually are not worth the effort and it is better to not share yourself with others. But I also think that being able to connect to one person can change everything; in the end that will be the only person who really matters. So on the one hand I do not blame you and would encourage you to engage in more hobbies and personal time spent on yourself, but I have to caution you against becoming too lost in grudges. When I initially became reclusive I was just bitter and focused on my woes. I could not get anything done because I finally was able to pay attention to f myself and acknowledge all of my grievances. Much of my destructive behavior patterns became apparent to me, and I was able to work on myself and make significant progress. Maybe you did not mean it literally but if you chose to do this, I suggest giving equal time to hobbies, health, self improvement and the darker things inside you.

 

[Go Hungry]

I'm kind of lucky I guess in that I have many friends from the old days that I've kept in contact with. I don't make new ones easily though. It's downright frustrating in the MMO's I play because they are all about teamwork and I am all about silence. There are plus's and minus's to being a hermit. Though I stay 'safe', it is through engagement with the world that I manage to escape myself, if even for a little bit. I need to go out more often, but I always find an excuse. But like I said, I'm lucky that I had folks to drag me out of my lair.. :confused:

 

[jmni]

Most people who think they know a little bit about me then tell me some little bit about them selves and if I let them in they wind up hurting me: my last abuser did that. I foolishly thought that he would understand the hell I had been through when told me he had been through a rough childhood. Turns out that he used that to twist and manipulate and then as an excuse to hurt me. Why would anyone else be different?

There are manipulative people who will use everything you confide in them as a means to inflict pain. I think that most people in this forum have had an experience with that and have all learned the hard way that we cannot be open books for this exact reason and it is scarring to have your trust exploited. But if everyone was like that this forum would not exist. Some people are like that and you should have nothing to do with those people. But other people aren't. Although everyone is not evil, not everyone is my dearest friend so I will not allow myself to be emotionally promiscuous and I am somewhat guarded but that is ok. When the right person comes along you can both chose to make efforts to open up and it's challenging. But don't assume that everyone will be so toxic and cruel and nasty. If someone shows you that they are untrustworthy or nasty, walk away from them. I think of it as turning my back on evil. Life is short and you can't waste time on just anyone, but you can be patient and wait for the right person if and when they come along. If you assume everyone is toxic and destructive, you might think that of someone who isn't and then they will pass you by. It's easier to let people reveal themselves to you for what they are, and if they are crap then screw them and forget them.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

If you feel that is the way to go then maybe that the way.

It sounds like your giving up because you don't have the right people. It is grim, and I have gone through that, but my life is so much better with the people in my life.