Because what I deal with now has a lot to do with personal relationships, I find myself seeking isolation and even though I want to connect with others. And I even do things to attempt to make those connections. I still feel a combination of "i'm glad that I did it" and this shadowing feeling of "I should not have gone" and "I shouldn't even bother" and "these people are only nice to me because they pity me, and none of this is real." Instead of trying to find connections through romantic relationships I joined a church and I found a church group and they call themselves a life group because we're supposed to do life together. And even though our group is the messiah's misfits I truly feel like the misfit. I do also want to reach out for a romantic relationship. Because I am wanting that partnership and that companionship that I've never really had and even with that, there is this fear that I will only continue repeating the patterns instead of finding what I truly deserve. And it's terrifying enough to keep me from putting myself out there again. I don't want to be so jaded and so Self isolated that I completely disconnect from people again.I'm actually working really hard not to do that, and in the same hand that isolation can sometimes feel like a comfort. I'm also having to transition from a therapist that I have a really great report with and I feel able to open up and talk with her about stuff. Because the voucher is over budget and they are discharging me. And now I'm starting all over again with another therapist and. I've even told her that I don't fully trust her yet and she is cool with it because she understands we're still in the developing trust stage.I just hate starting over again.After i've found someone I feel like I can talk to simply because my voucher is over budget.
Connection is difficult
- Post starter Biscuit
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Lost in the Woods
Gold Member
I have struggled with this my whole life. Before I was married I did activities like sailboat racing that many of my friendships were based on. I also did group hikes with Sierra Club, book and other cultural events. I am always the guy who hangs back in social situations. I really work at being better with meeting people, it doesn’t come natural so I work at it. One thing that helps is making sure you make and keep eye contact with people you meet, it helps generate trust. Also be interested in them, ask questions. About them like their work and recreational interests.
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You are not wrong. It is very difficult and sometimes. It is also difficult for me to given maintain eye contact. I'm not autistic. It's just difficult and that's more of a recent developmeant. I do try to ask about people's interest. And in the back of my head I also wonder if i'm asking questions that are too personal
Lost in the Woods
Gold Member
I noticed that I tended to avoid eye contact so I just started intentionally making eye contact and it did become natural for me over time. I really don’t understand why it was ever a problem, but it was. It also turned out to be much easier to correct than I anticipated.
arfie
Diamond Member
empathy, biscuit. i've had the same life partner for 45 years and connecting remains a daily challenge, even on our best days. that partner is the only long term relationship in my life. does the 15 years my 44 year old son wanted me around count as a long-term relationship? he has hated me for more than half his life.
still. . . the isolation does get problematic. breaking the isolation is easier for me when i focus on being friendly more than defining relationships. that business of defining relationships confuses the unholies out of me.
works in progress. . .
still. . . the isolation does get problematic. breaking the isolation is easier for me when i focus on being friendly more than defining relationships. that business of defining relationships confuses the unholies out of me.
works in progress. . .
wabisabiman
New Here
I have been there (some days I'm still there). As I've gotten older (62 now) and look back over my life, I realize I've always been a loner, always been an introvert, always had anxious attachment, and I would say even a highly sensitive person, HSP (although I'm not crazy about that name, but anyway). I'm married for the last 8 years. He is my best friend and confidant, and we have 3 dogs. It's a simple, uncomplicated life that I enjoy more with every passing year. My primary social outlet is 12 step programs, specifically Alanon, but I've also done ACA. You might find 12 step groups helpful.
I am also on the same page.
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Friday
VIP Member
Connecting is fawking impossible… except when it’s as easy as breathing, easier. Whether in the gossamer of butterfly wings a mile away, or as deep as blood, bone, spine, self.
The CONFUSION attached to WHY/HOW/WHEN/WHY-NOT the easy/hard? A whole ‘nother thing.
The CONFUSION attached to WHY/HOW/WHEN/WHY-NOT the easy/hard? A whole ‘nother thing.
SometimesIAskWhy
New Here
I have nothing helpful to offer except I definitely have attachment issues, too. I've spent my life avoiding close relationships with people probably because my primary one (in childhood) was so invasive, enmeshing, soul-annihilating, painful, chaotic, draining, damaging, and so on. So I get into these awful patterns of attaching to unavailable people, probably because that imminent threat of annihilation (that comes with closeness) isn't there. But it also always leads to sadness and rejection and abandonment. My life is a joke, lol! I laugh but it's not really funny. Solitude has been my comfort and peace-zone my whole life. But there is a part of me that wishes I'd been raised differently and could have just had relationships like normal people. It almost feels too late now. Oh well? I could really put in the work/effort I guess, but, I'm not sure the pros outweigh the cons. And I've had many friendships go south (again, maybe I'm drawn to people who are distant so it's inevitable to fail), or I am just the common denominator and suck myself. I know that's a big part of it; my own bad patterns. I always expect now that people will eventually ditch me. It's been indicated before (from therapists) that I give off a really tough, independent vibe...so maybe when people get to know me more and I reveal the more 'needy' side, they're annoyed. I don't know. It just usually ends. I also don't have the energy to interact. 99.99% of the time, I actively and voluntarily work to avoid people and keep people at arm's length. So yeah. Sorry. Just wanted to say, I understand that conflict of wanting that connection/companionship but not really feeling like it's possible/feasible or even desirable in reality.
