When my guy gets agitated, I am usually good at calming him and then exiting. We don't live together. Neither of us are military. We meet in public places usually. I want advise on how to tackle a particular behaviour that only comes up when he feels over stressed. He will get very dominant "Buy me coffee". "Call me at 7 tonite". Then he won't pick up the phone or drink the coffee. He will often say he will do something and then doesn't. He'll say we did not have an agreement. I will often not bring it up to avoid conflict. I am not like this with others. I do not feel like a doormat (yet). I see his requests as his need to be reassured that he is not being taken advantage of or disrespected.
I'll say things like I need you to talk to me in a respectful tone. I do not bring up the past. No "you said I said" stuff. I use "I want" or "I need" or "we need/want".
There is a very Jekyll and Hyde effect to his way of treating me. He is starting to apologise which is a step forward. I shrug it off and tell him not to worry when he is sorry. I am good at anticipating his reactions. I care about how he feels and don't want to add to his suffering.
I feel that I am not given a chance to air my needs. He says that he does not read "ALL" my emails. I have learned to keep them short and infrequent. He will say "Shut up. Don't say another word". Or if he is getting himself together he will say "I need two minutes". I stop and listen. When he is in fight mode, I don't engage. When he is in dominant alpha male mode, I just surrender and do as he ask as its been harmless so far. This is mainly cause I do not have the needed vocabulary and fear that he will spiral into isolation. The pattern is as soon as we have a great time, he announces that he can't handle this relationship and wants to give up. We made some amazing progress so I anticipated this fallback and am still pretty relaxed.
He is in a panic because I have managed to tell him that I want a physical relationship which means foreplay before going for coffee. I am not suggesting anything we have not already done and we both agree to go slow. I keep text and phone calls at a minimal as does he. Jekyll seemed ecstatic over the sex news but Hyde is getting between us again. I don't mean disrespect by describing it this way. Jekyll is a gentleman and he does not always seem to remember what Hyde says. The main conflict is that he does not want to give up his isolation so the issue that has not yet been agreed about is "how often and where?" . We live an hour away and I prefer my place and he will want his place (Every visit to his place results in getting kicked out. I think that there is a real threshold of time and then Hyde just pops up. That's when I need to leave.)
So how do I set boundaries and not loose the trust I am trying to build? I need specific language/words I can use. Note that he is not rational when in this state and very disoriented. I feel competent to deal with this relationship and am in no way heartbroken. I choose this relationship to be more about him and I choose to stay detached. I see a therapist that specialises in PTSD.
I'll say things like I need you to talk to me in a respectful tone. I do not bring up the past. No "you said I said" stuff. I use "I want" or "I need" or "we need/want".
There is a very Jekyll and Hyde effect to his way of treating me. He is starting to apologise which is a step forward. I shrug it off and tell him not to worry when he is sorry. I am good at anticipating his reactions. I care about how he feels and don't want to add to his suffering.
I feel that I am not given a chance to air my needs. He says that he does not read "ALL" my emails. I have learned to keep them short and infrequent. He will say "Shut up. Don't say another word". Or if he is getting himself together he will say "I need two minutes". I stop and listen. When he is in fight mode, I don't engage. When he is in dominant alpha male mode, I just surrender and do as he ask as its been harmless so far. This is mainly cause I do not have the needed vocabulary and fear that he will spiral into isolation. The pattern is as soon as we have a great time, he announces that he can't handle this relationship and wants to give up. We made some amazing progress so I anticipated this fallback and am still pretty relaxed.
He is in a panic because I have managed to tell him that I want a physical relationship which means foreplay before going for coffee. I am not suggesting anything we have not already done and we both agree to go slow. I keep text and phone calls at a minimal as does he. Jekyll seemed ecstatic over the sex news but Hyde is getting between us again. I don't mean disrespect by describing it this way. Jekyll is a gentleman and he does not always seem to remember what Hyde says. The main conflict is that he does not want to give up his isolation so the issue that has not yet been agreed about is "how often and where?" . We live an hour away and I prefer my place and he will want his place (Every visit to his place results in getting kicked out. I think that there is a real threshold of time and then Hyde just pops up. That's when I need to leave.)
So how do I set boundaries and not loose the trust I am trying to build? I need specific language/words I can use. Note that he is not rational when in this state and very disoriented. I feel competent to deal with this relationship and am in no way heartbroken. I choose this relationship to be more about him and I choose to stay detached. I see a therapist that specialises in PTSD.
