@FridayJones I like and respect him very much. The day I wrote this post, he had been the most abusive I have ever seen him be. Of course, I did not like the behaviour one bit. He's been controlling and nasty about 2% of the time. He's been dissociative while pleasant about 80%. He's been pleasant but don't touch me 8% of the time. I have not seen him since. He texts and shyly asked if he can write. "Sure no problem" I said. He still hasn't and that is no surprise. I am learning that the space is good for us both. I don't contact.
@The Albatross asked Define happy and how/why he seems, in spite of his behaviours in your opening post to make you happy please?
Been studying neuroscience since the 70's so I define happiness as chemicals in your bodies: dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and oxytocin. I don't like taking meds and so I have taught myself to hack into anything that creates happiness like "the right foods", orgasms, and exercise. My relationships are very untraditional so I rather say I don't do relationships with labels and strings attached. I don't like to be told what to do and am self supportive. I played along with his bullying so as to be cautious.
I had been unhappy for most of a decade. I was very sick with chronic stress. Last winter, I remember meeting a woman in group therapy who acted a lot like me. She was 10 years my senior. I said to myself "Take a good look at yourself in the future". I decided then and there "This is not who I want to be in 10 years." So ok maybe you cant really decide to be happy but that is exactly what I did. I stopped complaining. I smiled all the time until it hurt. Most of all I stopped taking anything personal and forced myself to worry less. Like now I worry that I am delusional about feeling happy....but... Not gonna worry. :) All this was really hard work. I had not been social for years. You couldn't get a laugh out of me let alone a giggle before.
I now believe that happiness can be the mere thought of someone. Since only I control my thoughts, only I am responsible for the happiness I feel. I actively laugh and say thank you a lot.
We met at a cafe where people recovering from trauma meet. During the summer, I offer free windsurfing lessons at a club. I offered "the guy" lessons. He told me he had PTSD. I booked me a trauma therapist (just in case).
My friend/guy fell in serious LUST. We both seemed intoxicated with happiness and laughed a lot. I still light up when I see him. Its embarrassingly noticeable. He lights up too. Then out of nowhere and unprovoked he can sabotage these feelings and insist on a fight. I have been seriously gaslighted before in a previous relationship but this feels so different. It feels like an inappropriate and automatic reflex. It does not seem deliberate or nor goal oriented in any way. We both live in a culture where aggression in public is rarely witnessed. He seems mortified and ashamed and literally runs and hides.
There is something called the frustration attraction (described in Roman times). When there are any barriers to a relationship you just love them harder. I think of PTSD as a fustrating barrier. I think of "the avoidance response" we get as a barrier for us both. So I am very aware of the dynamics. I do not see this as a romantic relationship but it is a very caring one. I am puzzled by the attraction but can't deny it. I am addicted to the rush I get.
Impulsive aggression is defined as the tendency to respond with hostility when faced with serious frustration. So to me, it is not that strange that someone would avoid any form of sexual arousal or relationship closeness if they feel a sudden inexplicable impulse to basically fight and get mean with the person that they want. Not saying it happens to all PTSD suffers. But I can imagine how much confusion it creates.
It is no secret that we all eventually crash to an extent from our sexual attraction highs. Even normal people are known to get sad or angry even after amazing sex. Google it.
He has IBS. His diet is extremely low in fat. Low fat diets combined with low serotonin levels are known to cause Hyde-like behavior. Low levels of serotonin are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The most powerful characteristic of romantic love is obsessive thinking. I find romantic love exhausting and addictive. I lack the energy but I like the feeling.
I cant talk to him about these things yet. Talking about relationships conflicts and exhaust him. I let him volunteer whatever info he wants to give and hope it's correct. He was doing so great. He told me that he sees his therapist and is happy with her. He also said that his meds have been lowered to an insignificant level. I was so happy cause he looked healthy. I never liked SSRI's myself. Note I am not a psychiatrist. “There’s no biological evidence to support the use of SSRIs for PTSD” (google: possible new weapon against PTSD)
"SSRI drugs provide relief for many but do not help everybody. Restoring the balance between the serotonin and substance P systems could become a new treatment strategy for individuals suffering from traumatic incidents," says lead author Andreas Frick, researcher at the Department of Psychology, Uppsala University. (new findings 2015)
There is a very complex and poorly understood interplay of systems operating here and its scary how we literally pop pills and "trust" experts while Pharma companies get rich. What is going to help people with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and the lower level mental illnesses that often times have a cause or trigger is what people today don't want to give: patience, compassion, and resources. Its a slow process.
I have asked friends, therapists and family if I am manipulative. I am told that I am not. They say that I can't resist a challenge. The challenge here is to gather information for now. It should be everyone's challenge.
