tinkingtiger
New Here
I apologize in advance for the length.
In the last few months I found out that my mother has PTSD. It was the result of a few different times of rape while she was in the military over 30 years ago. It was only in this last year that she was diagnosed and began to get help through the VA.
When I first I found out it was like a wave of relief washed over me. Instantly it answered so many questions and then brought on so many. I finally understood why my Mom was so easy to panic, where all the negativity came from, why she always pushed people away, part of the reason my childhood was so rocky, why she was always so depressed, why my sister and I grew up with out coping mechanisms that everyone else seemed to have, and where we learned certain of our behaviors.
For so long I felt that I was the problem. If only I was better, calmer, more prefect, my family life would be better. Soon after learning that my mom had PTSD, so much fell into place. I finally began to see that it was never anything that I had done. Still it has been hard not to fall into old habits and blame myself.
While it has been profound finally having an answer, it feels like her wound is fully opened again. I try to be supportive the best that I can, but it has been more of a strain as of late. Before the classes she took, she could barely remember what happened to her. Now that she has had to face her PTSD she now remembers what happened. And while she remembers, I don't think that she is dealing with it.
I fear that my mom is in denial. It frustrates me horribly to see her shy away from not only herself but the help and support that VA is giving her. And it is putting strain on our relationship.
I feel like she only sees the negative. I struggle to remain positive, while she freaks out over a parking spot. While we are out shopping it seems as though everyone is blocking her way on propose or that they are giving her dirty looks. I have discussions with her about my frustrations I am having in dealing with other people. She often gets more heated than me and is quick to judge them based off my frustration. Then later when she talks about them, she becomes so heated that she sounds as though she hates them. when I comment on her anger and seeming like hate she says she not angry or that she doesn't hate them. She often comments that she doesn't understand why I think she is so angry. So I have taken to not discussing my frustrations and problems with her. She often gives me suggestions on how to handle my daughter, and when I don't agree with it or that it wont work for my daughter she seems to get upset. As though when I don't use her suggestion I am making the statement that she is not worth anything, and gets somewhat aggressive toward me. Then in turn I feel on the defensive and she gets mad at me and says that I am being mean to her.
She is often unaware how aggressive she is. Or that she has worked herself into a panicked state. She has even told me I took my pill I am fine, I don't see why you think I am having a anxiety attack. I want her to get the help she needs. But I know that I can't push her into anything. Nor can I push things on her. I try my best not to point things out to her. If she is not ready nothing I say I will help. But how to do deal in the meantime?
I know this has gotten long but I am at a point where I feel very lost in my relationship with my Mother. I am torn in what to do. I feel guilty for wanting to step back and only communicate when it is nessicary, or not at all while work on myself. As I have realized that there is a lot that I need to work on for myself. There is a lot of ways where I never learned to cope with certain situations other than to go into a panic attack. There are certian areas of communication that I lack that others with healthy parents learned at a young age. I am now seeing that there is a lot that I didn't learn and other things that I learned that have affected my ablitly to have a healthy relationship with my husband.
In the last few months I found out that my mother has PTSD. It was the result of a few different times of rape while she was in the military over 30 years ago. It was only in this last year that she was diagnosed and began to get help through the VA.
When I first I found out it was like a wave of relief washed over me. Instantly it answered so many questions and then brought on so many. I finally understood why my Mom was so easy to panic, where all the negativity came from, why she always pushed people away, part of the reason my childhood was so rocky, why she was always so depressed, why my sister and I grew up with out coping mechanisms that everyone else seemed to have, and where we learned certain of our behaviors.
For so long I felt that I was the problem. If only I was better, calmer, more prefect, my family life would be better. Soon after learning that my mom had PTSD, so much fell into place. I finally began to see that it was never anything that I had done. Still it has been hard not to fall into old habits and blame myself.
While it has been profound finally having an answer, it feels like her wound is fully opened again. I try to be supportive the best that I can, but it has been more of a strain as of late. Before the classes she took, she could barely remember what happened to her. Now that she has had to face her PTSD she now remembers what happened. And while she remembers, I don't think that she is dealing with it.
I fear that my mom is in denial. It frustrates me horribly to see her shy away from not only herself but the help and support that VA is giving her. And it is putting strain on our relationship.
I feel like she only sees the negative. I struggle to remain positive, while she freaks out over a parking spot. While we are out shopping it seems as though everyone is blocking her way on propose or that they are giving her dirty looks. I have discussions with her about my frustrations I am having in dealing with other people. She often gets more heated than me and is quick to judge them based off my frustration. Then later when she talks about them, she becomes so heated that she sounds as though she hates them. when I comment on her anger and seeming like hate she says she not angry or that she doesn't hate them. She often comments that she doesn't understand why I think she is so angry. So I have taken to not discussing my frustrations and problems with her. She often gives me suggestions on how to handle my daughter, and when I don't agree with it or that it wont work for my daughter she seems to get upset. As though when I don't use her suggestion I am making the statement that she is not worth anything, and gets somewhat aggressive toward me. Then in turn I feel on the defensive and she gets mad at me and says that I am being mean to her.
She is often unaware how aggressive she is. Or that she has worked herself into a panicked state. She has even told me I took my pill I am fine, I don't see why you think I am having a anxiety attack. I want her to get the help she needs. But I know that I can't push her into anything. Nor can I push things on her. I try my best not to point things out to her. If she is not ready nothing I say I will help. But how to do deal in the meantime?
I know this has gotten long but I am at a point where I feel very lost in my relationship with my Mother. I am torn in what to do. I feel guilty for wanting to step back and only communicate when it is nessicary, or not at all while work on myself. As I have realized that there is a lot that I need to work on for myself. There is a lot of ways where I never learned to cope with certain situations other than to go into a panic attack. There are certian areas of communication that I lack that others with healthy parents learned at a young age. I am now seeing that there is a lot that I didn't learn and other things that I learned that have affected my ablitly to have a healthy relationship with my husband.
