WillyKat
Diamond Member
For all but the first six year of my life, I've never been able to feel ordinary sadness. Or at least not anything that lasted for more than a few seconds. Regardless if it was "feeling a little blue" or deeply hurt over something like the death of my father, the sadness would just pass briefly. I would always slip right past sadness into a state of depression and suicidal ideation.
For the past two months, I've been working with my psychologist to understand this better. Feelings. Every time she would ask me how I felt, I would either tell her how I thought of things in rational terms or just say that I was depressed, angry, or whatever. I could never really say how I felt.
Accessing how I felt was like trying to catch a hologram of a greased pig.
There’s been some progress. A few weeks ago, I learned that someone I used to work with had died. I had not worked with her for long, but felt almost instantly that she was a kindred spirit. After three months on the job, she had had enough and left. The place was a hellhole so there was never any question about why people left. But I missed her, even though I really didn’t know her well. So when i found out she had died about six months ago, I actually felt sad. Just sad, not depressed, not spiraling out of control. I just felt like I had lost a friend, or at least a potential friend.
And I noticed that. “Wow” I thought. "I’m sad. I am experiencing the emotion of sadness. Yet I’m not spiraling out of control, depressed, or having SI. Wow!"
Over the next several days I thought about this and realized how much of life I’ve missed out on by never having a “normal” full range of emotions. But there’s a long way to go here.
Now I kind of feel like crap because…there was a tiny bit of gratefulness for having sad feelings. So welcome to PTSD, where you get to feel good about finally being able to feel sad.
For the past two months, I've been working with my psychologist to understand this better. Feelings. Every time she would ask me how I felt, I would either tell her how I thought of things in rational terms or just say that I was depressed, angry, or whatever. I could never really say how I felt.
Accessing how I felt was like trying to catch a hologram of a greased pig.
There’s been some progress. A few weeks ago, I learned that someone I used to work with had died. I had not worked with her for long, but felt almost instantly that she was a kindred spirit. After three months on the job, she had had enough and left. The place was a hellhole so there was never any question about why people left. But I missed her, even though I really didn’t know her well. So when i found out she had died about six months ago, I actually felt sad. Just sad, not depressed, not spiraling out of control. I just felt like I had lost a friend, or at least a potential friend.
And I noticed that. “Wow” I thought. "I’m sad. I am experiencing the emotion of sadness. Yet I’m not spiraling out of control, depressed, or having SI. Wow!"
Over the next several days I thought about this and realized how much of life I’ve missed out on by never having a “normal” full range of emotions. But there’s a long way to go here.
Now I kind of feel like crap because…there was a tiny bit of gratefulness for having sad feelings. So welcome to PTSD, where you get to feel good about finally being able to feel sad.
