Let Her Budge..

[Survivor2Thriver]

I wanted to go to school. I begged. I wanted to get away from my mom. She's angry..always mad about something. She hates me. I look like him I act like him. I don't know who "him" is. I have no idea I'm adopted. My stepdad adopted the 3 of us when I was 6mo old. I have a male sibling we were born in the same year. I cant go to school because it would upset him. I should never have been born but they didn't have abortions back then. I don't know what abortions are. She calls me stupid for not understanding he gets his own year. I'm to dumb to go to school anyway. It's my fault I was born. She's crazy. I have to say the words. I don't want to. I have to choose between saying words or face the "windmill." The windmill hurts. I say the words. She slaps me until the look on my face is "right." She smiles. I'm terrified and sad. I cry. She asks me if I want more. I freeze. All I want to do is run to my safe place. The closet. My siblings are laughing.

I learn to pretend...

All I try to do is please her. Hoping she will love me or at least be nice like she is to my older brother and sister. They can do no wrong. I hear her tell everyone she knows how perfect in every way they are. I'm dirty and need an enema. I hate this. It's gross. I love spring..she locks me out of the house. She doesn't like the sight of me. I enjoy being away from her. I play in the barn and collect flowers. I love flowers.

 

[arfie]

Hope you are hugging the child in that memory. Tell her how beautiful she is and how magnificent her flowers are. Dry her tears and help her build some trust.

Be gentle, survivor.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Thank you Arfie. Bewilderment. That's what it was. It's hard to tell who needs the hug. I was a 5yr old child who wanted to go to kindergarten...I didn't know any better..who gives who the hug? The adult in me aches for what my inner child didn't understand. I can still feel her terror. It's appalling yet beautiful I was happy she locked me out of the house while my siblings were at school.

I couldn't physically fight them off. I was outnumbered. Majority rules. I could only mentally fight them off in my mind. That I did...Ohh that I did.

Basically we were three young kids who got a raw deal. Dysfunctional mother who bowed down to her pedofile father and his friends.

My siblings thoroughly enjoyed the free reign they had over me. My male sibling tried to set me on fire. I didn't want to play "doctor." He was upset I bit my grandfather. I was a c**t. He wanted to knock my teeth out. I laughed and said try your luck a**h**e I'll bite you too! He threw the lawn mower can of gas on me. It hit me in the face and ran down my body. He stood there leering holding a match threatening to light it. I froze. Petrified. I knew he was crazy enough to do it. My brave self dared him. He was expecting me to scream. That's what he wanted. I looked him straight in the eye and told him to do it. Wiped the smile straight off his face. Rage pure rage in his eyes. I didn't stop there. I asked him whats wrong? Why can't you do it? I laughed and said..they'll know it was you! He ran off like the coward he is! Tables turned. Milestone for me. Had I ran he would have lit the match. He had set my pants on fire before. This time I won. :) Always stand up to a psychopath. Always. His rage stemmed from being raped by a family friend of my grandpa's. He started a fire in that mans garage. He's a pyro. I was older than 8.

 

[arfie]

Wow. Sounds like the family I was raised in, except for the numbers. I had 10 siblings, 5 brothers and 5 sisters. In a way, the numbers helped. If two of the sibs were ganging up on me, I had 8 potential allies to help me deal. Sometimes. Maybe. Children acting out abuse issues are not very reliable...

You are the grown-up now, survivor. It is up to you to help that child any way that you can. You initiate that hug!

Every time this grandma has successfully comforts a child, yummy hugs have been my reward. Sometimes I even get a wet, sloppy kiss. Sometimes the wet sloppy kiss costs me a cookie and milk. Don't forget the glass for the flowers!

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Thank you Arfie. Thank you for sharing. The name of my diary is after a painting called Indigo. Vox-morda. The inspiration was from the movie Hidalgo. Indigo inherited her fathers (Hidalgo)extreme stamina and speed. She's a lone mustang mare who managed to survive by herself after her herd abandoned her after her father died. Let her buck was the line from the movie. The artist changed hers to Let er budge.

I loved the movie! I can relate to it in so many ways.

It's time to release all the negative energy...I have what it takes.

I didn't have any allies. Sometimes my step dad. It was never enough. I don't know my birth father. I knew I had to navigate the minefield alone. I walked on eggshells my entire childhood. Not anymore..not anymore...

I understand dysfunction. I lived it. I lived it as a scapegoat. My compassion runs deep however there is a line.

What happened to me on Sept 13 changed the course of my life. And in some ways saved it. Everytime I have a flashback memory. I'm posting it here. :) I don't know how else to sort it out.

 

[novemberDark]

SurvivortoThriver I love your power !.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

SurvivortoThriver I love your power !.

LOL Power? Dear God..currently I can barely string a sentence together. I don't have any power. I only have the truth. Locked in an 8yr old mind. My truth. My journey....

 

[novemberDark]

You look straight in the eye and well the rest is in your thread up above.

I stand by what I wrote before.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Wow. At the time I felt powerless. I was standing there soaked in gas, I could taste it and the fumes were burning my eyes. My legs were froze! I couldn't move.Was I brave or simply didn't have any other options? Fear flushes through your whole body. It's scary as hell. All that because I didn't want to have sex with him? He's my brother. He's an idiot!

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Ghandhi

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Today the stroll down memory lane was/is funny.

As a child I was completely outnumbered but I could out smart them. Or piss them off. Depends on how you view it. :)

I decided I wanted to grow a garden. I was out in the field tilling up the ground. Hard as a rock. I was too little to use the tiller. My male sibling runs to my step dad like he's telling on me. Demanding him to make me stop. Have I mentioned he's an idiot? LOL My step dad looks @ him the same way I am. (WTF) "She can." He tills it for me. MSib goes stomping off....mumbling she's stupid. He makes many attempts to destroy it. My step dad stops him. Then the day finally comes he torches it.

I didn't miss a beat. He sees me coming and waiting for me to see it.. laughing expecting me to be upset. He's an idiot. I'm surprised it wasn't sooner!!! I calmly walk over to my torched garden..dig for the carrots and radishes to proudly show him he missed! I ran off laughing while he started stomping and jumping up and down like the idiot he is.

I gave up on the garden idea and planted sunflowers. Oh how I love sunflowers..they were taller than me. :) Again he threatened to destroy them and mow them down. He didn't my S-dad threatened to kick his ass. Sometimes I believe he hated my step dad as much as me.

They fought a lot.

My sister..she's an idiot too. She had a habit of jumping on top of me in the middle of the night. Many times she tried in vain to smother me with a pillow. All you have to do is get your arm under your head for air. Let her give it her best shot until she gives up. Several times I stuffed my bed with blankets and pillows and slept on the floor between the wall and my bed. It's off the charts funny she couldn't find me. Ohh did it piss her off. I'd peek up laughing shhhhh...you'll wake up dad.

Both of them would drag me to the kitchen sink and hold my head under water. Sometimes they used salts to wake me up. I finally learned to fake passing out so they let me up sooner. He caught me laughing one time. End of that. It's still funny as hell they were afraid they killed me. Who's scared now. Oh the irony. Idiots...

Small triumphs ...triumphs nonetheless.

I may have PTS but PTS doesn't have me. There's nothing wrong with me. I didn't want to have sex with my grandfather and brother. My sister is psychotic for wanting to get pregnant by my grandfather. I'm as normal as they come.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I just realized something.

The kitchen is what grounds me.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

The kitchen is where my grandpa caught me running. He grabbed me by the neck "It's time for you to learn" and tried to force me to S his D. It's also where he demanded me to stab my friend.

I told him to F off on both! Yay me!!