Let Me Out

[kris]

There is a part of me deep down within that wants to take back my life. That little nine year old who was abused by her brother, wants to come out and say listen here you piece of shit life. I am ready to end all this ptsd shit. I don't want to be taken advantage of, I am tired of being kicked when I am down. I am tired of being stomped on and beaten and bruised. That little self inside of me wants to stand up and take back its life, it wants to be able to be carefree and not have the worries and anger and shame and fear from the sexual abuse.

That 9 year old within me wants their childhood back, wants to be able to have the fun and worry free life that I should have had. Not the one filled with anger and suicidal thoughts and shame and worthlessness for what a freak I was.

The only problem is that I don't know how to give that part of myself what it wants. I missed out on those things and am filled with so much anger and hate and every other bad emotion and reaction in the world I can't give myself what I want. I am so angry at myself, my family, and every other professional that walked through life with me as a child and didn't see what a messed up life I was living. It's hard to believe that my family, teachers, coaches couldn't see that I had changed. How could no one see that I want from an active 9 yr old wanting to play any and all sports, run around outside and just be a kid to someone who was so distant, moody, and didn't want to do anything but sit and read or CRY!

How can someone not tell that something is going on when a child does a basic 180 degree spin on their attitude their activities and just everyday life. All I can say is thanks, thanks to all the adults in my childhood, who didn't help me thanks for being uncaring, uncompassionate, UNWILLING to see or UNWILLING to say or do something about what they did see. Thanks a lot, I hope you people sleep easy at night.

Anyways how the hell am I to let this self inside of me out how am I to give a part of me what it wants. Yes, I am going to therapy but I don't see that as enough, I after months of going to a psychologist every week still do not see how sitting there and talking about things is suppose to make it better. I guess it's because I am a person who wants results immediately, is impatient and doesn't like to talk anyways. My motto of going to therapy is I will go, but no one says I have to like any of it! Not that most would like going to therapy, but some find comfort or security in going, me I know it needs to be done so I do it even though it kills me to have to TALK ABOUT MYSELF.

I guess I am like some of those people you hear about that cut off a limb that is stuck under a rock, when they have been mounting climbing or something. I would cut a limb off because I knew it needed to be done. Some might not because they would have faith in being found or something. Not me! I do not have faith in anything or anyone, sorry for those that do it's just the way I am/feel. I have been screwed over by way to many people in my life to think that someone of a higher power exists. Well that is for another whole discussion, but I didn't sleep much last night, and this is some of the rambling thoughts that went through my head.

 

[TLight]

Ramble on. No one who suffers as you do will tell you any different. In fact, we will tell you to continue to ramble until you are rambled out.

I too was the angriest pot of sick gurgling crap for decades upon decades and I had no idea what to do with that. I did all the 'recommended' activities (bashing pumpkins, etc.) and I couldn't feel any change for decades.

At 45 I'm finally, for the first time I can remember, feeling a bit of peace. And boy, what a different feeling. It actually allows you to have a life.

I still have a ton of other crap still in there, I still have trouble with triggers, stress (don't think that goes away, ever), but I'm not suicidal all the time. I mean, I got to the point I was not only suicidal, I was absolutely homicidal. Scary.

Now, I'm a bit different. I hang onto that difference like my life depends upon it, and it does, indeed it does.

Here's wishing you some peace. It may take years, but it will eventually come in tiny ways.

hang tight......

 

[Deleted member 541]

Kris, I was at one time as angry as you, for the same reasons, and more. I was molested by my brothers, and no one saved me, or knew what was going on...... What I will say to you, is something that may take you awhile to figure out or you may discard it entirely, but that is up to you.

Yes, your parents, the teachers, the coaches failed you, as did most of the adults in your life, but they also only had your lack of activity, your moodiness, your not wanting to go out and play, and crying to go on. The signs may have been evident or they may not have been, but you can't keep going back to that, and wishing, and wanting it to be different or to wanting or hoping that it could have been different. It wasn't, and now you need to be the parent/guardian that they weren't.

You need to try and focus on YOU, and what is important to you NOW, in order to heal. Therapy, coping skills, and working on healing you and your trauma. In order to do this, you will have to find healthy ways of dealing with your anger, and refocus it, so that it doesn't become self destructive to you.....I wonder too, if there is the possibility that you may even have some guilt now for not telling or speaking out about what was happening with you back then????? Just some things to think about.

I also found that working with my inner child helped me a great deal. It allowed me to comfort and to tell her that she was ok, and that I would keep her safe. Believe it or not, that was one of the best and greatest times I had during the many years I have done in therapy. It was very empowering....

 

[kris]

She Cat, the part about you wondering if that I feel guilty about not telling anyone... I don't know I honestly don't know what I feel, if I feel anything. I have tried for so long to not feel that I don't know when or what I do feel when I do. To not feel or show emotion was to survive and get through the abuse, and life so besides anger I don't know what the hell is going on inside me. I know something is there but I couldn't tell you the difference between anything, but anger. Therapy isn't really helping all that much on that part yet, my therapist says we have to take things slowly and work on one major thing before moving on to more.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Kris, what you describe about not having many emotions/feelings, is pretty common here. I think with some, we had to turn off our emotions to be able to deal with just survuving the abuse that we were going through. We didn't have the time to think about being happy, or joyful, or any of the good emotions/feelings. Ours] feelings were of anger, and at what was being done to us, so we went inward with our anger....

Your T is right, with time, and therapy you will be able to recognize that you do have other emotions. They will be bothersome/or frightening in the beginning, because you aren't used to them, but with time, you will understand and be able to just feel them.....