When so many people are entertained by stories of my abusers, or tweet about how we're just lying whores who wanted it, or publically speculate about the details of the torture we were put through it feels impossible for me to feel like I'm a part of any community. It feels like no one sees me as a human.
@prynne - I think you're mixing together very different levels of community (a not uncommon type of distorted thinking)
Lets say there are four levels -
- People we are intimately connected to (family, partners), who have been around us before and after the trauma.
- Friendships that are solid and reliable
- Acquaintances, who may know there's a traumatic event in our pasts, or may not; but don't have any connection to us beyond sharing space at work, or school, etc.
- The rest of the world - strangers who have no awareness of us specifically, but may have an awareness of our traumatic event(s).
As far as #1 goes, that's something that's not much different from being a survivor of a well-known traumatic event, with ongoing legal proceedings and recognizable perpetrators. What you live with is just as exposed as what a victim who was abused in the home as a child goes through, when they still have to see their abuser regularly in public; or, the victim of domestic violence who still lives under the same roof as their abuser. Confronting the faces of the people who harmed you as part of your everyday life. In that, you are not alone.
With #2 - I doubt those individuals can be lumped in with the 'everyone' you're talking about here:
When so many people are entertained by stories of my abusers, or tweet about how we're just lying whores who wanted it, or publically speculate about the details of the torture we were put through it feels impossible for me to feel like I'm a part of any community. It feels like no one sees me as a human. I feel like I can't be open and honest about who I am or what I've been through bc no matter how kind the response is, they start treating me like I'm different. Like I'm made out of glass and they have to be careful with their words, usually. If I'm open with them, they decide not to be open with me anymore because they're afraid to break me. It only makes me feel more alienated
You're mixing together the people who care about you and know you (and you know them), and acquaintances, who have no compelling reason to protect you from their own reaction.
In your case, does that mean you have to deal with a burden of being thoughtful about who you let into your life? Yes, it does. But I can tell you - no-one knows anything about the crime I survived; the event itself went unremarked on by law enforcement, the press, the public...because no-one knew but me and them. No notoriety.
Yet, the very very few times I've made an attempt to disclose not even details, but the mere IDEA of proximity to something pretty horrible...people go weird. Not the people I trust - those in category #2. But for them, I'm aware that it's a LOT to handle, knowing my story. So I choose to not bring that into those relationships, because I have treatment professionals in my life to do the job of listening to me when I need to talk. I have places like this forum, I have my notebooks....And I used to wish I could just unburden myself to close friends, but really? If I don't want to be carrying my past around like a backpack full of bricks, then why would I want to give that backpack to the people around me? I'm not withholding to protect them, so much as to protect that space where the backpack isn't the focus of every interaction.
And with #4 - sure, there are assholes. But do you actually want to be open and honest with assholes? And if you DO want to call them on bad behavior - if you're getting a cup of coffee and the people in front of you are talking about the perps and the victims, and they're being insulting - I wonder what's stopping you from telling them to shut up about it. You might give it a try, sometime. It could be better than silencing yourself - and who cares what the f*ck they think of you? You're not in their lives, and they aren't in yours. You're just in the same line for coffee. It's not that significant.
I know I sound blunt; and I know that there are specific shitty things that people who have survived a widely-reported trauma have to deal with. But in many ways, all those traumas have much in common; and in that way, again, you're not alone in this. The community of people who lived through any one of the school shootings in the last 20 years, or who were in any one of the myriad bombings, any one of the modern wars or revolutions, massacres, hostage situations....
Sometimes it takes a little more digging, to find the people who really can understand. I've gotten a feeling of community just from reading news articles about the women who survived traumas similar to mine - and I've never even exchanged one word with them. They don't know I exist. But I know they do, and that helps me feel less alone - less singular.
In my own experience, when the public is aware of any part of your abuse, the dehumanization is continued by strangers long after the abuse is over. To them, the worst things that have ever happened to me are just another episode of a tv show, which by extension means that I'm just a fictional character. My suffering isn't real to them. It's only entertainment.
Not true. Your suffering is real to anyone who has survived something similar. And knowing about it helps them feel less alone.
I do hope you have a regular outlet, a place with a trained mental health worker where you can say out loud the things you need to say.
