I know I don't have to tell you that's how sadists work. I knew he was a sadist but knowing that didn't change how much damage it did. I would try to egg mine on to kill me. I'll never know if it made the torture worse or not.I called their bluff and said shoot me. Frank laughed and kicked me over to her. He always wanted us to suffer. There was never going to be a different outcome.
I can tell you as a person who's isolated themselves as much as possible for over 20 years that doesn't work. I realized that after I read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. That was way before I could ever even attempt to try therapy. I just agreed to group therapy for the first time last week.I made up mind today to stop talking. If someone else initiates it, fine, but I won't be setting myself up to be reminded of I am not worth being treated as a human. And I sure won't be revealing a thing. It's like talking to walls or spitting in to a wind in my face.
exactlyOr it's yanked out from you chaotically and you're beaten down at the moment of vulnerability instead.
That helps -- though I wish neither of us knew that was even a thing.I objectified others in my own mind as well because it was the only way I could cope with the things I was being made to do.
Yep My t and I bicker (in a friendly way) about this because i KNOW that if I tell people the truth they won't be able to handle it and I"ll end up taking care of them. She says people are stronger than I give them credit for -but I can't risk itopen and honest about who I am or what I've been through bc no matter how kind the response is, they start treating me like I'm different. Like I'm made out of glass and they have to be careful with their words, usually. If I'm open with them, they decide not to be open with me anymore because they're afraid to break me. It only makes me feel more alienated
Mine is called monster. I refuse to give him a name - because he isn't human. Just monster. He doesn't deserve his name used in my life.For reasons listed above and because I am still terrified of them. Sorry.
Yep. One of the first things you learn working at 911 is to NEVER share the real stories of the calls you take. We gather up a few funny ones, a couple "close to scary" ones, etc and use those when people ask. Because you learn pretty quickly that normies who say "whats the worst call you have ever taken" really don't want to know. I've heard some horrific shit over the years, sitting helplessly at my console, unable to do anything to help other than try to get info and talk them down and believe me, JoeBlowCitizen doesn't want to know about those.One of the categories of criterion A is hearing about or witnessing aversive traumatic details, which leads me to believe that sometimes just sharing trauma with others can evoke a trauma response in them
This is also why I couldn't report - the whole idea that the military would blame me for doing the things I did to stay alive. Better than I just didn't exist than that I try to spin some story about one of their airman and make the AF look bad.Actually dehumanisation often works in berating people for just wanting to stay alive. The message you get is very clearly that you shouldn't have existed even in the first place.
To this day, for as open as I've been, I walk the tightrope between expression and details. I do my best to ensure that I'm as surface as necessary. As though by virtue of having experienced these atrocities we are tasked with safeguarding their remnants. Beh.Yep. One of the first things you learn working at 911 is to NEVER share the real stories of the calls you take.
Ah, the unanswerable questions. B hit me with one of them on our first appointment. "It's not like you..... [....] right?" Welp, we tripped and fell into the bulk of our therapy.Because you learn pretty quickly that normies who say "whats the worst call you have ever taken" really don't want to know
I'm 34 and I realize that help for mental health has only really started to make strides in the last 10 years. I sort of stumbled into the trauma therapist I have now and so I've agreed to just recently try different forms of help.I think everyone is different @frogthroat . I've been dealing with this since 14- well childhood actually, and I am in my 50's.
Ah, there are days I really wish I could go on about the buckets of blood. Bearing the secrets that aren’t even secrets seems so absurd and heavy.Ah, the unanswerable questions. B hit me with one of them on our first appointment. "It's not like you..... [....] right?" Welp, we tripped and fell into the bulk of our therapy.