Relationship Letting Go And No Contact

[DeedeeRSM]

Yes Solara, it was just me who got isolated. I knew his family as I saw them at his parents' or on special ocassions, but that's it.
However, he never acknowledges it and says it's normal. I honestly think it has more to do with his commitment phobia than with his PTSD, since he has no problem like you say, to have other parts of his life overlap.

I'm telling all of this to you but if you'd ask him all his behaviours are caused by me. That's how ignorant he chooses to be about it all.
Truly I don't get why he keep calling, as in his mind I'm the one to blame for everything.

I find it strong of you to recognise the fact that you are not healed enough yet to be in a relationship. I hope you feel better every day.

 

[Echo]

@DeedeeRSM - I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I wonder if a lot of your partner's behaviours were less to do with having PTSD and more about wearing away at your self-esteem, so that he could have more control over you? It is one thing having a sensitive and understanding attitude to someone's struggle with PTSD and another to allow that person to control and abuse you emotionally.

I am staggered by the numbers of female supporters on here putting up with awful behaviour whilst at the same time reading endless accounts from female sufferers who are doing no abusing of their partners at all, if they even have anyone there to support them.

Obviously, I only know a little of your specific case, but please value yourself. You are being so strong. You've done that for him without it really being valued for so long. Please now do it for yourself. Don't let him trick you back into the same old groove.

 

[Echo]

And I say the above as someone who is realising just how she did exactly the same. Endlessly excusing bad behaviour, giving him the benefit of the doubt and thereby letting him know that he could continue to treat me badly. I have decided that the main goal of going through all the nightmare of realising what has happened to me and facing the trauma head-on is to get myself together enough to have a really good, positive, life-affirming relationship at some point before I die. I am so not putting up with any more of this. I hear the same message essentially from you, DeedeeRSM. We are worth better.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

if a lot of your partner's behaviours were less to do with having PTSD and more about wearing away at your self-esteem, so that he could have more control over you? It is one thing having a sensitive and understanding attitude to someone's struggle with PTSD and another to allow that person to control and abuse you emotionally.

This is possible Echo, he often told me he thinks I'm an ''alpha-female'' and it's not healthy to be like that. He often said he thought I was ''busting his balls''. Of course this is a bad thing, but if you'd hear the reasons why he thinks I was busting his balls? Here's an example: We have a date set for saturday, his friend asks him if he can come with him somewhere on saturday, he says yes and automatically shifts me over to Friday. AFTERWARDS he tells me: oh, look can we meet on Friday, I promised <insert friend name> to go with him to <insert place> on Saturday.

Then when I protest and say, no sorry I was looking forward to seeing thatmovie with you or going to tha restaurant with you, we had a date set up before <friend> asked and you should've asked me, he tells me I'm busting his balls and makes a huge fight out of it...

Later I found out this is called gaslighting. Making me think I did something wrong by getting terribly angry, while he's the one at fault.

I have decided that the main goal of going through all the nightmare of realising what has happened to me and facing the trauma head-on is to get myself together enough to have a really good, positive, life-affirming relationship at some point before I die. I am so not putting up with any more of this. I hear the same message essentially from you, DeedeeRSM. We are worth better.

Hear hear. Exactly this. I'm so done. The more time passes, the more realizations pop up. The more I see marks of the abuse and the more I wonder how I have ever accepted all of this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You get upset when he changes your plans without asking, and he says you are busting his balls...?!

Ok, so it's reasonable to get upset when someone does that. I think it's RUDE for someone to expect me to change my plans at the last minute. It's incredibly disrespectful because it says "your time is unimportant". The reality is that my time is very important to me.

I can't help but feel he's one of those macho guys. Just the statement "busting my balls" makes me cringe. Would you be ok if a female friend did the same? No, I don't think so....

He is turning things around and making you feel guilty for his bad behavior. You're better off without someone so manipulative.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I can't help but feel he's one of those macho guys

Yes he is... how did you know :O
Terribly macho, with phrases like ''I'm a man and you are a woman, behave like that'' and ''I think you have more testosteron than I have when I look at your style of arguing''

Then when he used to notice I am not going to shut up just because he thinks ''I argue like a man'', he used to start threatening me physically. And then when I made clear that he shouldn't threaten me and I am not going to shut up because he threatens me and I'm not scared of him, he used to call me back within the hour acting all happy and as if nothing happened trying to win me over again.

I have this quirk, I never stay angry with people. I should start staying angry for things that a person is supposed to stay angry over. Like the above mentioned things.

Never will I date a macho guy again.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You should behave like a woman?!? Geez! He sounds very controlling. It seems like he wanted to dominate you rather than be a true partner.

Yes, you can do much better. You didn't deserve to be treated that way!

 

[DeedeeRSM]

True.

But I think I did deserve to be treated that way > I was so naive and I didn't know what I wanted from life or from a relationship.
I wasn't told or taught what to expect from dating or relationships either.

This experience made me such a wiser person, and has opened my eyes to take care of myself first at any circumstance.
I used to see the world through rose colored glasses and I'm glad that today, I can see both sides. I will never assume everybody is a nice person until they prove me wrong, again. It'll be rather the other way around from now.

 

[bell]

he used to start threatening me physically

Um, I'm all for sticking with difficult relationships. But... no one should ever have to deal with this. This puts you in danger, and you are worth more than that.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I know, I have been tolerating it because he made me believe that he was doing that because of my own behaviour, my ''style of arguing'' sets him off he says.

The funny thing is, he has threatened many of his (ex) girlfriends. And his brother. And probably more people that I don't know of.

He believes that because it happens during arguments, it's not his fault and the other person just triggers him all the time.

Makes me so sad how ignorant he is :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Nobody else is responsible for our triggers. We are. If someone else triggers us, we can ask that they change their behavior, if it's a reasonable request (ie please don't yell). But, if the other person can't/won't change, it's not right for us to blame them. Not all triggering things can be changed, so if it's something that we as sufferers cannot learn to handle on our own, it is our responsibility to leave the triggering situation. It's not fair for us to blame everyone else for our triggers.

On the flip side, it would be nice if others could understand our triggers and try not to hold it against us as there are certain triggers which are very hard if not impossible to change, even with hard work and healing. It's just hard feeling blame for things I can't help.

Sorry for the tangent, I didn't mean to stray off topic. I think in your situation you were dealing with someone who wanted to just blame everyone else and take no responsibility for anything. You're better off without someone who threatens people. Even if it's not you at first, just the fact that someone will threaten someone else speaks volumes about their character. Last year I was physically threatened by a long time friend. She felt justified because I said some mean things to her (but no threats of any kind). I think that people threaten others when they feel a loss of control. Sadly, it's not the right way to go about regaining control.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I think that people threaten others when they feel a loss of control. Sadly, it's not the right way to go about regaining control.

Exactly.

On the flip side, it would be nice if others could understand our triggers and try not to hold it against us as there are certain triggers which are very hard if not impossible to change, even with hard work and healing. It's just hard feeling blame for things I can't help.

Totally, in the end of our relationship I had refrained from having deep discussions with him, because he was always triggered by them. Not sure if he were triggered reated to PTSD, or related to anger issues. But let me put it like this: He cannot accept and discuss to come to a conclusion about ANYTHING you disagree with him. He gets angry the moment you have something to say back to him. This has really driven me nuts.

It would go like this: We talk about a topic we disagree on. I tell him no I dont think this or that, it made me feel like this or that, so I disagree. He gets angry with me, because he thinks I dont understand him, rather than believing that I just FEEL differently.
This was 100% of our problems. He NEVER wanted to feel responsible for making me feel bad. Whether it was about his cheating, sneaking lying, it didnt matter. The moment the topic comes up and I disagree, he gets angry and the rest of the converation becomes useless as he's a dirty fighter.Perhaps dirty fighter is not the righ term, I think his anger takes over at that point.

Solara, you have a really in-depth knowledge on ptsd, maybe you know where this stems from? The fact that he gets angry the minute you disagree on how he thinks something went? And secondly, he had this thing I call ''b*tch syndrome'', he was terrified ith a capital to become somebody's ''b*tch''. And I dont mean that literally, but I mean like with the example of, ''busting his balls'', one of his favourite phrases was that I was trying to make him ''my b*tch'' :S:S

I mean he had that with different people as well, always felt belittled and inferior. This is something I really couldnt grasp, as I have never had an intention to make anyone my ''b*tch'' I'm all for equality that's it. So I know for sure this was happening in his mind..

God, I'm writing so much, but it's helping me process so much. I am so gratefull to all of you who keep responding to my questions over and over, much appreciated. I have not had a clear view on things like this since 3 years ago.