Letting go?????

[rosey]

I hear this phrase so much. This needing to let go of the past, or pain, of anger and so on.

But, whenever I ask my therapist how one actually goes about this letting go I get nothing concrete back. I get words like acceptance, sitting with the emotions, owning your story type of things. Well I have worked tirelessly on acceptance, own my story, sit with my emotions yet still as was, so letting go is where in this.

Also how can one let go if flashbacks and nightmares dont give even a days break from the horror.

Anyone here have a grasp on letting go?

 

[Rumors]

I hear this phrase so much. This needing to let go of the past, or pain, of anger and so on.

But, whenever I ask my therapist how one actually goes about this letting go I get nothing concrete back. I get words like acceptance, sitting with the emotions, owning your story type of things. Well I have worked tirelessly on acceptance, own my story, sit with my emotions yet still as was, so letting go is where in this.

Also how can one let go if flashbacks and nightmares dont give even a days break from the horror.

Anyone here have a grasp on letting go?

I don't mean to laugh, but I am chuckling inside bc I could have written this very post... Just the other day I had an epiphany. Flashbacks, nightmares, negative cognitions all have themes. The themes are usually the same; shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, etc. The drill usually is similar for me on how the fallout comes down. If I am lucky, I can sleep 4 hours a night. If not, I get zero sleep and I live in a state of anxiety and hypervigilance all day. It sucks. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "Just sit with those emotions." I always wanted to say, "What the f*ck do you think THIS is.... its not like I can make it go away." Anyway, I realized that the themes are the same so I have quit trying to deal with the content bc it really doesn't matter. Every nightmare leaves me feeling the same way, scared, mad, shameful, anxious, etc. SO, that is what I am sitting with. I sit with sadness and just let that theme settle in without dissecting it to the point I get mad. Also, I have decided since the themes are the same, I am ready to work on theme instead of content. Meaning, where do I feel sadness in my body? Where do I feel anger? It has been a game changer for me.... hope this helps!

 

[Invisible Fire]

I can relate with this post and I have no answers. I have talked this over with my therapist also. I hear in my mind a lot that it’s time to “let it go”. I will have days where I am feeling well and I think ‘ok this is it, acceptance’. And then Bam I get thrown back off balance. I do not believe for me letting go is the key to healing. I do think it is acceptance. My therapist once told me acceptance is the bridge to where I want to be. I have went from having symptoms daily to have days of feeling well. Acceptance for me is not about accepting my trauma but about accepting the symptoms the trauma causes today. No different from a physical injury.

Sorry this was a bit of a ramble and I hope you find some peace. Thanks for your post.

 

[blackemerald1]

This needing to let go of the past, or pain, of anger and so on.

^It's just not possible. Just words that have no possibility of happening in a living, intelligent & traumatized brain.

Words like letting go?? No.. cannot do any such thing. My brain won't let me & the more I try the more my brain disrupts.

My T & psydoc gave me an example. Pink elephants??? Don't think of pink elephants? What are you thinking about - yep !! Pink elephants :banghead: :hilarious:

^What is possible is to build a life, a moment, an hour, a day with an acceptable presence in right now; an ability to focus on what we're doing, feeling, talking about & get on with that whilst still knowing & accommodating whatever has happened in the past.

^What is possible is to stop trying to deny it & stop trying to stop thinking about it.

^It's not possible to let it go... that's just words... that mean nothing btw.

 

[Ronin]

I think 'letting go' is more about not chasing the pasts that never happened instead of those that have, and not making self defeating goals for the future in hope to sit trauma on its ass... that one isn't able to reach.

In the same land where forgiveness is giving up all hope... for a better past.

And where It is what it is., isn't a futile defeatist statement, but a call to action... on a level they are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, able to.

Letting go isn't pretending the shit in life didn't happen.

It's utilizing it to make good changes for the future.

You let go by moving forward...
But moving forward doesn't get accomplished by blind abandoning the past.

 

[Rainman8772]

I don’t think you ever can really let go. It’s more like learning to put it in a box in your brain and try not to open it. Avoid it like the coronavirus in Wuhan. No matter what it still comes back at times.

 

[Sideways]

Yup. Useless phrase.

I tried letting go. Let go of it all with both hands.
Unfortunately my past is holding on to me like a b!tch:banghead:

Because it will always be my past. It's not like I can somehow let it go and it will float away down the river into some wonderful kind of non-existence.

So, I can process what happened, and work through the impact it's had on me, and focus my attention on the now and tomorrow. But 'letting go' is a not much more than an unhelpful cliche to me.

 

[Friday]

Anyone here have a grasp on letting go?

Remove ALL the trauma stuff for a minute... and try looking at the rest of your life. Because there are undoubtedly things that happen that you

Are upset by > Choice >
- Spin yourself up about
- Back yourself down from
- Shrug off
- Get over

Unless... after ramming your car into the person who stole your parking spot, you tracked down their family, killed every last one of them, blew up their house, salted the ground... and are STILL -by gum!- upset at the person who stole your parking spot!!! :mad:

And that was Tuesday. Wednesday? Someone didn’t use their turn signal. Thursday the toilet paper roll was on backwards... by. someone. who. damn. well. knows. better!!! Friday someone used rhe last napkin, whilst someone else took the ketchup packet you were reaching for, whilst a 3rd person cut in line.

In point of fact? You have a list. Every wrong ever committed against you... 365 days a year of intolerable offenses, and the actions of revenge you took against them... and ya know what? Nothing! Still just as mad as the moment it happened, or even MORE mad/hurt/upset.

:cool: Probably not, right?

Thousands of things happen to upset us, day in and day out, year after year.

Some of those, you probably spin yourself up over.
Some of those, you probably have to back yourself down, about.
Some of those you start to get upset but then just shrug off.
ALL of them? You probably just get over, sooner more often than later.

Which means you already know HOW to “let go” or “just get over it”. Because you do so, day in and day out, year in and year out.

People who CANNOT get past what happened? Usually have some kind of neurological disorder.

We’re pretty lucky, with PTSD in my opinion, because the things that get “stuck” are big f*cking deal events. That are reeeeeeelatively easy to sort, (read: Not at all, except in comparison) in the scheme of things. Because other disorders? Can have the exact same kind of upset WE get around sexual assault, torture, war, etc... over things like parking spots & ketchup packets.

How people with neurological disorders “move on” or “get over it” or “let go” depends on the disorder in question. With PTSD? That’s either trauma therapy or getting lucky.

 

[blackemerald1]

after ramming your car into the person who stole your parking spot, you tracked down their family, killed every last one of them, blew up their house, salted the ground... and are STILL -by gum!- upset at the person who stole your parking spot!!!

:hilarious: I'd need to bulldoze the whole parking lot.. to let go. :oops:

 

[rosey]

I don't mean to laugh, but I am chuckling inside bc I could have written this very post... Just the other day I had an epiphany. Flashbacks, nightmares, negative cognitions all have themes. The themes are usually the same; shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, etc. The drill usually is similar for me on how the fallout comes down. If I am lucky, I can sleep 4 hours a night. If not, I get zero sleep and I live in a state of anxiety and hypervigilance all day. It sucks. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "Just sit with those emotions." I always wanted to say, "What the f*ck do you think THIS is.... its not like I can make it go away." Anyway, I realized that the themes are the same so I have quit trying to deal with the content bc it really doesn't matter. Every nightmare leaves me feeling the same way, scared, mad, shameful, anxious, etc. SO, that is what I am sitting with. I sit with sadness and just let that theme settle in without dissecting it to the point I get mad. Also, I have decided since the themes are the same, I am ready to work on theme instead of content. Meaning, where do I feel sadness in my body? Where do I feel anger? It has been a game changer for me.... hope this helps!

This really does help. Thank you

I can relate with this post and I have no answers. I have talked this over with my therapist also. I hear in my mind a lot that it’s time to “let it go”. I will have days where I am feeling well and I think ‘ok this is it, acceptance’. And then Bam I get thrown back off balance. I do not believe for me letting go is the key to healing. I do think it is acceptance. My therapist once told me acceptance is the bridge to where I want to be. I have went from having symptoms daily to have days of feeling well. Acceptance for me is not about accepting my trauma but about accepting the symptoms the trauma causes today. No different from a physical injury.

Sorry this was a bit of a ramble and I hope you find some peace. Thanks for your post.

I think acceptance of symptoms is a useful way to approach this. Thanks

^It's just not possible. Just words that have no possibility of happening in a living, intelligent & traumatized brain.

Words like letting go?? No.. cannot do any such thing. My brain won't let me & the more I try the more my brain disrupts.

My T & psydoc gave me an example. Pink elephants??? Don't think of pink elephants? What are you thinking about - yep !! Pink elephants:banghead::hilarious:

^What is possible is to build a life, a moment, an hour, a day with an acceptable presence in right now; an ability to focus on what we're doing, feeling, talking about & get on with that whilst still knowing & accommodating whatever has happened in the past.

^What is possible is to stop trying to deny it & stop trying to stop thinking about it.

^It's not possible to let it go... that's just words... that mean nothing btw.

Yes what you say makes a lot of sense. I actually think the pressure to let go causes more problems. Certainly working on accommodating sounds like a more workable way

Remove ALL the trauma stuff for a minute... and try looking at the rest of your life. Because there are undoubtedly things that happen that you

Are upset by > Choice >
- Spin yourself up about
- Back yourself down from
- Shrug off
- Get over

Unless... after ramming your car into the person who stole your parking spot, you tracked down their family, killed every last one of them, blew up their house, salted the ground... and are STILL -by gum!- upset at the person who stole your parking spot!!! :mad:

And that was Tuesday. Wednesday? Someone didn’t use their turn signal. Thursday the toilet paper roll was on backwards... by. someone. who. damn. well. knows. better!!! Friday someone used rhe last napkin, whilst someone else took the ketchup packet you were reaching for, whilst a 3rd person cut in line.

In point of fact? You have a list. Every wrong ever committed against you... 365 days a year of intolerable offenses, and the actions of revenge you took against them... and ya know what? Nothing! Still just as mad as the moment it happened, or even MORE mad/hurt/upset.

:cool: Probably not, right?

Thousands of things happen to upset us, day in and day out, year after year.

Some of those, you probably spin yourself up over.
Some of those, you probably have to back yourself down, about.
Some of those you start to get upset but then just shrug off.
ALL of them? You probably just get over, sooner more often than later.

Which means you already know HOW to “let go” or “just get over it”. Because you do so, day in and day out, year in and year out.

People who CANNOT get past what happened? Usually have some kind of neurological disorder.

We’re pretty lucky, with PTSD in my opinion, because the things that get “stuck” are big f*cking deal events. That are reeeeeeelatively easy to sort, (read: Not at all, except in comparison) in the scheme of things. Because other disorders? Can have the exact same kind of upset WE get around sexual assault, torture, war, etc... over things like parking spots & ketchup packets.

How people with neurological disorders “move on” or “get over it” or “let go” depends on the disorder in question. With PTSD? That’s either trauma therapy or getting lucky.

I love this thank you

 

[ladee]

The term 'letting go' is confusing at best. For me, it was accepting I could not change the past. The past didn't go anywhere, it was still ruling my here and now and my future.

So I started building a new life. Baby steps and setbacks included. But for each change and victory, the past became just that, in the past. I still have old junk come up. It's just a teaching tool now, not a place to stay. Not a place that dictates the life I am trying to build now.

I agree that 'letting go' is a passe' term that no longer applies to complicated recovery we all go thru. Thank you for sharing this!

 

[Ronin]

I actually think the pressure to let go causes more problems. Certainly working on accommodating sounds like a more workable way

Is that pressure an actual thing, though?

As people even saying, That was a long time ago / Get over it, are not *actually* pressuring me to anything.

There's no actionable 'or' attached.

They won't kill my dog for not doing what they want. They won't rape and kill my partner while I watch. They won't set my house on fire while I'm still in it and then chuckle about the burn.

They won't anything...
They just have words about my life.

Shrug. Words. Winds. Less than, often. Bad weather is more influencing my actions than others input of that kind.

That it stings a lot? Changes how I feel about me, what happened, them, universe? Is only about me.

More about my own trauma responses... than anyone else.

They're not a pressure, that pressure comes from within.

People are pressure if they can actually change something about my life by their acts. Be it worse or else. If someone's looks mean someone else will try to knife me the next moment, sure, that look is pressure. If I decide I give a f*ck. Which I may or may not. ;)

But just input? Shrug. My business. No actual power over me.