Parents with PTSD—what is letting go like for you?

[Rose White]

I have three children, oldest is an adult, youngest is barely a teen. As you can imagine, parenting hasn’t been the smoothest. Recovery meant that I had to focus on myself a lot but hopefully I made some good changes that will benefit them somehow in the long run.

Anyway, with my two older children, they ran into addiction pretty early on. Their dad and I couldn’t reach a consensus on how to handle it and he had a big house while I had a tiny apartment so they lived with him for most of their teen years.

I’m getting to my point. It felt like I was sort of sacrificing my boys to the world. I couldn’t stop the addictions. I couldn’t stop them dropping out of school. I couldn’t stop them from crime or STD’s. It felt like I was sort of sacrificing them to the machine of the world. Just watching them get tumbled around but also it was their choices.

And my youngest has been more of the golden child type. But recently has been telling me that I abandoned my sons and that she intends on doing drugs and dropping out because like her brothers she has to go her own way.

(Hey, at least she’s planning it instead of just doing it like the boys did! *always a bright side*)

So lately I’ve been feeling that same feeling, that I’m going to watch her get swallowed by the machine of the world and there’s nothing I can do about it other than validate her feelings and concerns and pray for her.

So… to analyze it… do I have issues with feeling the need to be in control? Mayybeee. Does her soul/psyche sense that and push back?

Also! I was talking to a friend (with PTSD from something similar to mine) about this and she said that in general parenting is just a long series of letting go—that she clearly remembers the first time her baby crawled away from her and she nearly cried—and even though she can laugh at herself now it was an example of all of parenting (her kids are nearly grown now).

So… I guess I realize that people without PTSD experience this to a certain degree, but idk if they feel like they are “sacrificing their children to the hate machine”—which is what seems to be happening to me.

For the record, my adult son seems to have mostly kicked his addictions on his own (which is what his dad did—no therapy and wasn’t a fan, which I guess is valid). He can’t seem to hold down a job but keeps trying to his credit and is very musical and plays music with his friends who he lives with.

I don’t see my boys very much but I do love them and try to reach out from time to time.

Ok that was a lot of meandering. Hope you get my point and wondering if you have thoughts about it.

 

[arfie]

five years ago i might have answered that letting go looks like having a post-parenting life of my own. be it a preview of heaven or a preview of hell, that parental bond is eternal, even when it includes abandonment or orphanhood. but letting go of adult children looks like having a life of my own.

that was five years ago, before my youngest son and his wife died in a car wreck, leaving 3 orphans, then ages 6, 3 and 8 months. that felt allot like immaculate conception at age 65. the oldest is now 11 and beginning to show adolescent confusions. the question has arisen anew. can i answer this question again in 10 years?

my still living son is 44, homeless and still trapped in his addictive cycles. cps has required me to keep him away from the children until he gets treatment for his addiction. i reckon letting go still looks like having a life of my own. i still pray often for his welfare and recovery, but from a safe social distance.

 

[Rose White]

Sending love to you @arfie thank you for the heartfelt response

looks like having a life of my own.

I resonate very much with this. I do want to have a life of my own but I also don’t want my kids to get ground up by the world machine but I have no control over that.

 

[enough]

my kids are my kids forever, no letting go allowed.

Just paying attention on here i gather you are a concerned and loving mom, and no one ever wants to let go of that so why do you think you need to let go? Guaranteed, they dont want you to ever stop being the example of a good and loving mom, so dont! Be a great mom, be hopeful, be patient, but be there when they need it and you will be what they need, win win win mom

 

[enough]

My parents were a traumatic event, followed by traumas i suffered by getting away from them, early. What they did was let me go. I wouldnt fit their ideal, i wouldnt stop living my life as i saw fit, as it had been before they joined their cult. They thought they knew best for me and witheld the only thing they had left that i wanted, their approval. They lost me when it was clear they had nothing i wanted.
Maybe thats the same, maybe what you are living is different, but i know one thing is eternally true, our kids need our love and the cruelest blow is to not deliver.

I guess i chimed back in just to say let go, hold on, offer advice or just watch and hope it doesnt matter one percent as much as always love them and let them know it will never ever stop.

Let go isnt a thing i get, it just isnt.

 

[PlainJane]

Not a parent just parentesque.

But this resonated with my query

At that age my kid did the whole “….but do you REALLY love me? I mean, like, really. Even if I do THIS? How about THAT? But WHAT IF???…”

I don’t think it was conscious, although it was reeeeally obvious from the outside that we had entered “This is a TEST of the emergency broadcast network. This is only a TEST. If this were really an emergency I’d be being sneaky as hell about it, instead of in your face.”

Given his background? It. Made. Total. Sense.

Because, right before Covid, he was looking at finishing school and leaving in the next year. BIG changes. Lots of scary. And, if/when that happened (should be maybe stop it from happening?!?) what was going to be his place/role/position? Was he a burden? Was he welcome? What did I/others reeeeeally think of him, feel about him, and where were the limits, now that he was legal & we were no longer “required” to do ABC for him, or think/feel XYZ about him?

Granted… in our lives Covid happened… so the BIG transition was put on hold, so I cannot speak to managing that part of it.

But the “oh shit! WHAT IF?!?” phase? The biggest help came out of left field, because I was looking at houses/apartments to be renting the next year (just getting kind of a feel for the market in the area I wanted)… and he asked why I was looking for 2 bedrooms?

“Because no matter where I’m living you’ll always have a room.”

I didn’t even think about what I was saying, but it knocked him back on his heels / big reaction, so we talked about it. My feeling is/was I didn’t effing care if he only used it once every other year, or came to visit every school break, or lived with me full time. Wherever I’m living, he has a place with me. To come and go as he pleases.

Was that the ONLY thing driving the senior-itis “Let’s f*ck up! With style!” And push boundaries, and make emotionally driven decisions, and make everyone worry about us, and, and, and,? Or was it his only piece with me?

Pfft. Of course not.

But it was a piece his friends were not dealing with, so it wasn’t smoothed out the way things are when all your friends are also right there with you, going through the same stuff. And it was one of the few issues he has with me, that got immediate traction.

Update to now, we have had some serious bouts but he knows who’s in his corner now. He f*cked up a lot, in BIG ways. So did I. He still calls, I still answer. But he KNOWS I had/have/always his six. Letting go wasn’t giving up but accepting.

 

[Rose White]

Letting go wasn’t giving up but accepting.

Sorry for my dullness, but Accepting what? His choices?

 

[Renly]

I don’t have biological children, but I did inherit my niece after my SIL passed away from an overdose. Prior to that, my niece was stuck in the system for 3 years (in another state completely on the other side of the country). It was a total nightmare. To be honest, she’s a really good teen, but based on her life experiences, she’s at risk to be swallowed up by the evils of the world. And with my history and background, I teeter between terrified for her (I do want to protect her/save her) and feelings of ambivalence (because the world is going to eat us all up anyway, right?)…

I try really hard to make kind space for all her emotions and moods and remind her that for the most part, her life is what she chooses to make of it, despite the circumstances and hardships that have been thrown into her lap. I try hard to empower her to decide to make good choices, and celebrate when those good choices have good consequences. I remind her that the poor consequences of her poor choices are something she has chosen, not a power dynamic between us, because I WANT her to have all the good consequences. And that we must be kind to ourselves as well, because we all make mistakes and we all have shitty consequences sometimes.

I remind her that she is a chain-breaker and that I know god has big things for her in her life, that she’s the one who is going to break the dysfunctional cycles that have run in the family for a long time, because these are all things she has expressed to me. I try hard to remind her that she has more power than she realizes.

At the end of the day, I remind her that her life is hers. I tell her I will always love her and will always be a safe place to land. I will love and support her as long as I live and I will always have her back. I try to frame things as “us against a problem” so it’s not “me against you.” I remind her that I'm doing the best I can and I truly don’t want her life to be any harder than it has to be or has already been.

My parents loved me and did the absolute best they could while raising me, and I still ended up with DID and a survivor of sex trafficking.

We cannot fully protect them from the world (or from themselves) and that is a terrifying thought, but we can love them unconditionally and be there for them with healthy boundaries and in the most healthy ways possible, while humbly reminding them we aren’t perfect and will make mistakes, but we are trying our best.

Sitting with you offering encouragement and also room for the pain. Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart.

 

[PlainJane]

Sorry for my dullness, but Accepting what? His choices?

Not dull, it was vague. But yes, basically.

 

[Rose White]

@Renly thank you for the uplifting post

Especially

At the end of the day, I remind her that her life is hers

This is something I can use

because the world is going to eat us all up anyway, right?

I guess you’re right—maybe this is part of the acceptance too