Relationship Limbo Land

[Learning123]

Bit of a rant. I seem to have lost all ability to be compassionate about ptsd for the past few days and am just pure angry. I'm so sick of being stuck in limbo, not knowing where I stand or where my life is going. My ex still loves me and wants to be with me, but when I get close it's too much and she pushes me away. This is fine, I know this is a symptom of ptsd, but then I never get a firm "we can't be together" or "I don't want you" all I get is "I'm trying to sort my head out but I don't expect you to wait around for me".

My head is a mess and I can't talk to her she just gets mad at me and then I get the crappy treatment for the next few days...

W.T.F!

Can anyone advise me please? I'm not looking for happy answers, just honest ones so please feel free to tell me what you think!

Thanks

 

[AdamAnt]

Seems very typical to me L123. You're describing textbook PTSD reaction, and you are being tested. It's time to decide if you're really dedicated. If you knew this was the PTSD you are dealing with and not how she wants to be, could you forgive her and support her? There are articles on the homepage that you need to read, and jump on down to the carer section, there's alot of support for you there too. This is a hard ride...are you ready?

 

[amethist]

Hi

I have read your posts, and do understand how hard this must be for you. We all get angry about this from time to time, you should see my volcanic eruptions when they occur, talk about light the blue touch paper and run. Run for the hills more like, get the hell out of there and hide. We have to deal with so much, there is no wonder this happens every so often

The Roller Coaster ride goes on and on, only they can slow it down, but we as carers can get off any time we want to, if we want to. There lies the issue for most, if not all carers at some point.

There have been many times in the past when I have had enough of all things connected to PTSD, but being I am married to my sufferer, I decided to stick it out, as he wanted me to be with him no matter what. He has never said he wanted me to go, though we both wanted to leave at times, just because it all got too much to deal with at that particular point.

Now to help you answer your own question. If you took PTSD out of all this, and she treated you just as she is now, would you hang around, waiting to see if she was going to come back and stay or go the next time she wanted time out. Probably not, many would say exactly the same, why hang around for someone who can't decide where they want to be for what ever reasons.

It is not an easy decision to make, never will be either. What you may have to decide for YOU, not her, not anyone else, JUST YOU. How many time can you keep doing this, waiting then being let down. You may feel guilty if you decide to let go and move on, that is your decision to make in the end. Maybe it would be a good idea to read Frankie's posts, if you have not already, she tell how she had to let go in the end, for her own peace of mind and sanity.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/12495-The-Hardest-Thing-I-Have-Had-To-Do[/DLMURL]

This may help you see how this can effect others.


I myself would not swap my husband, not often anyway. It is not easy when you stick together, it is even harder when they keep coming back then pulling away again.

I hope you can find a way forward with this. Put yourself first for once, do what is best for YOU right now, the yo-yo effect is not a good one to keep having to deal with.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 5760]

L123,

I know I'm a sufferer, so I might be drifting onto the wrong side of the fence here. But I recently met a girl who is also a PTSD sufferer. I know this sounds the height of hypocrisy - but it gave a whole new meaning to 'walking on eggshells'. For me personally, the only thing that gets me through is being able to laugh at myself. I never used to be able to do that. But now I know it's for ME, my only saviour. This girl couldn't do that for some reason. It got to the point VERY quickly where I was afraid to speak. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am afraid to talk. And we weren't even 'dating' yet. I just had to walk away. I of all people know that you can't help this illness. But, if you want to be in a relationship there has to be a bit of give and take. And I just knew very quickly that I was gonna wind up doing all the compromising and a LOT of uncalled for apologising.

If you're having a really hard time with this, you do have to look after yourself. I know it's crappy and unfair - but it is the reality of it. If she can't do a bit of give and take then that's not fair on you. Everybody is different and some people can handle it. What I suggest is to really draw an emotional line in the sand at which point you say 'no'. And don't forget where you drew it. Because you seem like a ~really~ nice girl and I wouldn't like to see you get really really upset over all this. As amethist said, it's the 'yoyo dance' that will really make it difficult I think. And if it is going to work you do have to make it work as a team in my opinion. Look after yourself girl.

-Jen x

 

[Learning123]

Thanks to you all for your replies. Right back at ya Jen :-)

AdamAnt, when you say I'm being tested, I am dedicated and don't want to walk away, but have no idea how to pass this test. Does that mean talking to her and telling her I'm waiting for her, or leaving it as it is until she comes to me? Sorry I know there is prob not a right answer, but I have no idea.

Amethist, thanks for the thread link, I will read it. I often think to myself if the ptsd wasn't present I wouldn't put up with this, but the fact is, it is there and I can't ignore it, and I also can't ignore her efforts to deal with this, which she does on occasions. She seems to cry out for help sometimes and in my eyes I have no desire to walk away.

Guess I have some thinking to do, but I just don't see walking away as an option, I love her and I know I can be strong, just not every day.

 

[Jawn]

Learning123 I can relate to where you are at and what you are going through.....as many on this site can. My wife and I are going through something similar, to the point of separating so she can try and get a handle on her PTSD. I think the points made by other people are valid things for you to think about. I know I have been thinking about them and doing a lot of soul searching.

I am planning on hanging in there because I am married and because we had 15 yrs of a good marriage before the PTSD took over 2 yrs ago. But it's not easy and the emotional roller coaster is the wildest ride I have ever been on. You have to decide on what you can/will put up with AND make sure you take care of you! Do not lose track of yourself and get worn down by this. Post here when you are in need of guidance or just plain need to vent.

As for your WTF comment, I was there just last night.

Take care of yourself and we are here to "listen" and help if we can.

Jawn

 

[Learning123]

Thanks Jawn. I've been following your story and I know there are many others going through the same, I know it gives me strength to see how you are all so compassionate and kind so thank you.

I've made a conscious decision not to walk away, we're obv not married and were only together for 5 years, but I was committed for life so in my head, I can't change that. There are times when I want to scream but I guess we all do! I think right now she doesn't even want to address her ptsd so until that point, I can't help!

Thanks again guys

 

[Learning123]

Ok, so I've had a couple of days to think and I've realised I've been a bit selfish and self obsessed. Nothing wrong with that sometimes I guess, but the whole point is, as so many of you have pointed out, this is a rollercoaster and if she's willing to let me on, I'm strapped in and ready to go. Right now that rollercoaster keeps on going past too fast and it doesn't stop for me, but I've sent a message that I'll be waiting at the gate if she wants to slow it down to let me on, and if she does, I'll ride every bump, loop and drop with her!

If that's a bit too rollercoastery I apologise, but the point is, thanks to you all for your help and advice so far, I will continue to use it, but I'm in for the long haul :-)

 

[amethist]

I love the description of the roller coaster ride.

If you have the energy to do this, then I wish you all the luck in the world . It can be rewarding, it can be scary, but you can ride this together.

Always remember to take good care of yourself, however fast it goes.

Amethist