List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[batgirl]

Church jokes

I have three church jokes. I hope the jokes don't offend anyone, if they do, please just remove them! My family is Christian and they love these jokes so hopefully they are okay.

666: Number of the Beast

OK, you know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:

660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Lowest Common Denominator of the Beat
1010011010 - Binary Number of the Beast
Beast1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Postcode of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Retail Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95 - Retail Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Wholesale price of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666F - Oven temperature for Roast Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 - Browser of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666I - BMW of the Beast
668 - Next door neighbour of the Beast


Church Bulletin Bloopers

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."


The Confessional

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

 

[Marlene]

Evie you forgot one:

333-the Beast's half brother.

 

[batgirl]

Oh hahaha thanks Marlene. I'll have to include that in a future list, definitely!

 

[CrazyPJ]

20 years in the slammer

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

 

[anthony]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

[batgirl]

OMG I think I've heard that donkey joke before but it's sooo good!!!

Okay, here's a really short quiz, just six questions:

www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

 

[batgirl]

Err, how do you stop a link from being a link? I tried, I couldn't get it to work though.

 

[Kathy]

EVE'S TALK WITH GOD

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ... You can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...And it will have to be our little secret ... You know, woman to woman."

 

[map9]

Spring Classes For Men

Spring Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, April 5, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 P M


Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line, Counseling and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, campus Fire station.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[CrazyPJ]

Laymans guide to comparative religion

Taoism Shit happens.
Confucianism Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Mormonism This shit is going to happen again.
Islam If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Stoicism This shit is its own reward.
Protestantism Let this shit happen to someone else.
Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Pentecostalism In Jesus' name, heal this shit!
Catholicism Shit happens because you deserve it.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time.
Marxism This shit is going to hit the fan.
Atheism No shit.
Seventh Day Adventist No shit on Saturdays.
Existentialism Absurd shit.
Agnosticism What is this shit?
Nihilism Who gives a shit?
Deconstruction Shit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian Science Shit is in your mind.
Moonies Only happy shit really happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses Knock, Knock, shit happens.
Scientology Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna Shit happens, Rama Rama.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.

 

[Rob T.]

Hee hee. That's a great joke, CrazyPJ!

Presbyterianism probably would be: Presbyterianism- sh*t happens, but we have to take a vote to agree on what kind of sh*t it is.

Rob S.

 

[Rob T.]

Vincent Price

Here's a joke:

The 1970s horror film actor , Vincent Price was lounging around on a film set before the actors started filming that day. One of the actors, John, was waltzing up and down the set singing the song:"tip toe through the tulips".

John turns to Vincent and says: my song is cool! I bet you didn't know I was a singer, Did you Vincent?

Vincent Price snaps at him, saying: "Well I certainly didn't think you were an actor!"