List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[fin]

I am sorry I am really bad at telling jokes but maybe someone might find this funny at the moment, it isnt meant to offend. I just have found myself thinking about it more and more here. Please read it as either man or woman, I have written man but this isn't meant to be sexist so either will do. Oh and this is the only time I will attempt to tell a joke here also. (well for all your sakes I hope it is, I am really pretty bad at it, something in my delivery I think-maybe, you be the judge). It wont make you spit your drink out like so many people's jokes here do me -so sorry. And it is quite old, but hey....tough




There is this guy floating in the sea, hundreds of miles from land. He clings to boat wreckage, that has floated past him.. And he is praying with everything he has left in him, that God will save him.

Not long after his prayers, a helicopter arrives at the scene, it winches someone down and they shout out over the crashing sound of the waves that they are there to help. The man in the water shouts back "No, God will save me, please go", so they do.

A little while later the man again prays to God to save him, he is getting tired now, and begining to wonder what he has done for God to turn his back on him.

Moments later a speed boat arrives, they call out to the man; "we have a life jacket put it on and we will swim out to rescue you". Again the man say's "no it's ok I'm waiting on God, please go". So it does.

The man is really pretty tired now, and so again he calls out to God to save him. He feels he cannot hold on any longer and so is really deseperate. Within seconds a coast guard appears and that in itself is pretty cool as he is miles and miles from any coast. The coast guard shouts through a megaphone, "Hold on we are coming for you", and yet again the man shouts with the last of his breath, no it is ok please go.
So they do.

Just moments later the man slips into the water unable to hold on any longer to the wreckage that he has clung to for days. It is bleak, he dies. Sorry, but he does.

He goes to heaven, and when he comes face to face with God, he angrily say's;
"I prayed to you and you were not there. Why Lord? Why did you not save me? Why oh why?".

And God looks at the man and gently says; " My son I did not forsake you, I was there...I sent you a helicopter, a speedboat......."





I hope this hasn't caused offense. I think maybe this can also help to answer us when we question and think we aren't being heard by God. I believe that God is a lot more understanding than we give him/her credit for, and also a lot more able sometimes to see what maybe we cannot. But this wasnt meant to be theological. And that said so ends my dip into the joke section, don't worry I wont be posting again. I am soo bad at telling jokes, and there are very brilliant people here that tell them already and so much better than I ever can. I just thought it would be better to write this here than in a serious thread where it might cause offence.


~fin

 

[kaydee]

One of my favorites - shortened and simplified.

Three men in a pub who are always trying to outdo one another, start on about their children.

One of them starts "I found a carton of cigarettes in my sons' room - I was shocked I didn't know he smoked"

Second one says "That's nothing I found three bottles of Vodka in my sons' room - I didn't know he drank"

With a scoff the third says "You guys have got it easy. I found a box of condoms in my daughters room the other day - I didn't even know that she had a p****"

 

[Deleted member 541]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon
can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

 

[kaydee]

This is one I always use to put people back in their box when they are overstepping the mark - please do not take offense - have a good belly laugh.

Why the the Blonde get Lipstick on the steering wheel ?

She tried to blow the horn.

 

[amethist]

Two monkeys in a bath.
The first one says "eek eek ooh"
The second one says " told you it was hot"

How do you stop a man from drowning ?

Take your foot off his head.

Sorry guys only kidding.

Keep laughing

Amethist

 

[Mayhem]

Saying Goodnight to Mother

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You
don't even have to like 'em!




We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodnight to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[fin]

soOo funny thankyou again Mayhem, excellent

 

[amethist]

These are some T-shirt jokes that made me giggle when i read them.

If everyone around you are loosing their heads.
Try landing your helicopter somewhere less crowded.

Mary had a little lamb.
With roast potatoes, salad and a glass of wine.

Marriage. The only sport in which the trapped animal has to by the licence.

Cleverly diguised as a responsible adult.

As i lay here gazing at the night sky.
Dumbstruck by the awesome beauty at the heavens.
I could'nt help but ask myself !!!
Where the f#$k has my tent gone ?

 

[midi]

Heh heh Amethist! Those made me lol!

 

[amethist]

This is one my husband told me this morning, he,s still got his wicked sence of humour.

A few friends are chatting about their night out, when one of them told the others that a very handsom man had been giving her the eye at the bar.

What did you do they asked.

I rolled it back to him.

 

[fin]

You know I sometimes feel a little guilty at chuckling here.

But somedays I can't help it at all... and I just spit my coffee all over the place...the worse part though is when it goes up your nose, am I right or am I right?

Thank god that doesn't happen very often because it hurts and it doesn't have to go up my nose...just spitting it everywhere is enough for me to know that what I have read...I soo wasn't expecting. The nose thing is just where the coffee is at the time the penny drops with the joke - well I think it is...am laughing now at me analyzing why and how I spit my drink??? whats with that huh?

I like these beauitful surprises very much...thankyou to everyone that posts here.

 

[pebbels]

Anthony, loved the store joke, so funny :) anyway's here is mine.

He said to me, I don't know why you wear a bra. you've nothing to put in it.
I said to him, You wear pants don't you.

Why don't woman blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why are married woman heavier than single woman?
Single woman come home see whats in the fridge and go to bed,
married woman come home see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

Just had an appointment with a fortune teller, she told me a lot of money is coming my way, I left all excited and got hit by a bloody armourguard van!!!