List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Mayhem]

The Koala Bear And Lil‘ Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala , where they enjoyed the weed.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'


The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'


So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!'

 

[Mayhem]

Ultimate Police Comments

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your Birth certificate a worthless document."


#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where You go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap."


#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."


#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"


#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS...


#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[Mayhem]

Dead Privates

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
Yes, Nurse Tracy , said Mr. Wallace.
My private part died today and I am very sad.


Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences,




The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas.


He met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Wallace, she said, You shouldn t be walking down the hall like that! Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.


But Nurse Tracy I can t, replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my private part died.


Yes, said Nurse Tracy, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?




Well, he replied, Today is the viewing!

 

[fin]

What a release and it just seems weird to laugh out loud at the moment. Thankyou.

The Koala joke....am laughing. Thankyou, I had to reply straight away (haven't read the others yet) Mayhem...but shit that Koala joke -thankyou very good.

I didn't think I would even be able to think about anything else at the moment.
Love it Thankyou

Excellent, thankyou Mayhem... totally brilliant.
I can't believe am Laughing and smiling...(almost erased the 40 minutes before I read them)
Thankyou soo much - wicked.

 

[jeapea]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES:
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Mayhem]

Elephant In My Pants

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor.



The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.


The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."


So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.



Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.


"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"




Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[kaydee]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb ?

Afghan : Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you are worried about a light bulb?
Border collie: Just one, and I'll replace any wiring that is not up to scratch.
Dachshund: I cant reach the stupid light!
Toy poodle: What? Where? I'll get it, no you get it, no I got it! Look! The border collie did it! A bug!
Rottweiler: Make me!
Labrador: Oh let me, me! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Cocker spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark!
Beagle: Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

 

[Mayhem]

Hospital Humor

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.



A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'


He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'


Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.


She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,



'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k'?

 

[fin]

Yes.........so I have to really remember; never read here drinking coffee! -smiling - Thankyou.

 

[jeapea]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It !

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU !

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Valentine Love Poems

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[tude]

Mayhem, thanks for making me LMFAO and spray coffee all over the keyboard!