Living In A Country When PTSD Is So Common, But Unrecognised

[BethRSA]

After reading about the town in PA where so many people were affected by the helicopter crash, I started thinking about my adopted country (15 years ago) of South Africa.

About 2 years after my rape, I took training and starting working as a rape crisis counsellor here. (I know it was stupid now! I was trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I was better. "If I can help someone else, I must be fine, right?") Anyway, in just our small town, we have more than 300 REPORTED rapes of adults over 18. (The children were counselled/examined in the same building but by different people.) This is in a country where most people don't report because only 1 in 42 reported rapes ever has the rapist spend any time in jail.

When counselling ladies and men of various races and cultures, MANY times, they said, "I knew this would happen." "It was my turn." "So that's what it feels like." etc. It's like they grow up expecting to be raped! A big topic of conversation here is: ".... was robbed this week" ".... was hijacked" "Oh, they stole my purse again." After they broke into my car 7 times, I decided not to keep counting--just makes me cross.

I think because everyone minimises what happens "Oh, that's not so bad, let me tell you what happened to ...", people just stop talking. (Like I did.) The problem is that so many people are angry. The least little thing can set someone off. Counselling is not a priority when so many don't have food, housing or jobs.

What's the answer? At least every few years, I get back to the USA and feel the "strange" feeling of being relatively safe. What about the rest of the people in this beautiful country? What can I do to help at least those around me?

 

[Ursa]

Beth,

I know how hard those things are and the impotence feeeling towards a population victim of its own cutural believes.

There is little result to be seen, but I made my peace that I can only do my part and help those who I can.

Those kinds of problems need structure that is usually not available: school, food, shelter for the children, a police that works, work for adults, etc... and when problems like security have so many roots in the culture, it is a hard and slow job to change that... it depends of so many people that this is hard to achieve it.

 

[Die Hard The Hunter]

Yeah, those people don't really have the privilege of getting existential. Not to downplay the problems in America, but I think that can help keep things in perspective.

Realizing your limitations is probably the first step to helping people without getting overwhelmed. That sounds cynical, but there is a lot of crap in the world and it's really important to decide how you're going to handle that fact.

Do you genuinely enjoy helping other people? Focus on that. If you, personally, get something out of it, that will make it easier than if you're doing it as an obligation every few months or so.

If you actually live in South Africa, then you have an advantage that young missionaries from the U.S don't: you actually know a little something about the people there and what they need and don't need.

At the same time, don't underestimate your abilities, either.

Trying to help the world is discouraging. Trying to help the people around you to help other people is what actually makes a difference.

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Die Hard,

Yes, I live in S Africa and have for almost 15 years. That's why it's so heart-wrenching and frustrating at times. Coming from America, my "normal" is so much different than the "normal" here. I remember the first time they broke into my car. They said, "Welcome to Durban". When they broke into the house where I was staying alone, the police said, "They didn't steal anything valuable." When they tried to steal my purse from off my shoulder in broad daylight in front of the post office, instead of helping me, they said, "It's your fault. Why do you have a purse?" Afterwards, I told my friends that if they rape you here, it's your fault 'cause you're a woman. If they kill you, it's your fault because you're alive.

Sorry. I'm just venting now. The 2 break-ins this week in my block of 30 flats and the guys working on the windows which triggers me makes me so "on edge" and wonder if I can handle it.

I train other people to teach children. So many of my students have been through so much. I want to be whole myself and to help them be whole so we can help the children.

Thanks for those who care and think of us here in Africa.

 

[sisyphe]

I recently lived in SA for 2 years doing research, and I've got to say it made my PTSD a lot worse living there -- just hated always having to look over my shoulder and only feeling safe enough to walk outside during the daytime. Such a beautiful country, but I couldn't stand the attitude of people there. It's like people are just resigned to the fact that crime, and car accidents, and HIV are bound to happen, so people take stupid risks and don't bother worrying about trying to be responsible about anything because people don't seem to believe they're actually in control of their own lives. I don't know how you get people to see things differently when it seems to be the collective mentality -- the few people that do try to be proactive are likely to just get beaten down by all the aimless destructive people, so it's hard for things to ever change.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Reading this thread has made me realise how grateful I am for living in a place where I am relatively safe. I have a hard enough time feeling secure where I am, without living somewhere like where you are, BethRSA.

Can I ask why you stay there, even though it is such a violent place?

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Jaded Angel,

Sometimes I do wonder also why I stay here, but we can't all leave.

Although I wasn't born here, I came almost 15 years ago when I was 25, so basically all of my adult life has been here. I love my work in training others to teach the children and teaching the children myself. The kids at the Home for Children with AIDS are so sweet. Despite their illness and being left orphans, they are so loving and trusting. Seeing the hope in children's eyes where before they just had the blank stare of a hopeless life...what is that worth?

Yes, at times I'm so frustrated. Even yesterday I heard that my friend, co-worker, "sister" Vivien from Zambia died a month shy of her 40th birthday (my age, so it's NOT old) from cerebral malaria complicated by her diabetes. In America, she wouldn't have gotten malaria, and even if she did the medical care would have helped her.

Maybe I am just :wall:, but I don't think so. Slowly people are realising the value of others (even women and children). I don't have all the answers, but I'm doing what I can where I am. It's like the story of the boy on the beach that's covered in starfish. He throws as many as he can back into the sea. An old man says, "What are you doing? You'll never make a difference to all of them." The boy answered, "Yes, but I'll make a difference to this one" as he threw another starfish back into the ocean. So, I'll keep on doing my bit to make a difference to the ones around me.

 

[Auburngirl]

Beth,

Many of my traumas (and well as much much joy) happened in Africa. I found exactly what you describe to be hard to explain when I came home "yes this happened to me, but it happens to everyone, several of my friends were also robbed at knife point, we were grateful it wasn't a gun..."

 

[Jagged Angel]

It is so uplifting and encouraging to hear about people like yourself doing great work in places of such sadness. I used to work with homeless people as a volunteer, and my thought was that if I could change the life of one person (just one!), that made all the work worth it.

 

[This Ends Now]

Beth,

You have strength, compassion, and courage way above and beyond my level of comprehension. You have taken up a noble calling that most people would never even consider. I am just blown away by your strength. You surely have an amazing soul.

Since you know what people in the area need, would you mind posting a list of suggestions for ways we can help? Maybe there is something I can do from here in the states. I don't have much, but I know that what seems like a small amount here in America can go a long way in a place like South Africa.

Please PM me with any suggestions you have and I will see what I can do.

Liz H.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Beth,

I would think that the best thing that you can do to help those around you, would be to do exactly what we do here. Listen, validate, give them hope, and try to teach them coping skills. Possibly setting up a rape survivor group in your community, have weekly meetings, just a place that they can all feel safe, and not so alienated.......

I think just the fact that you want to help, shows what kind of a person that you are....Keep up the good work!!!!!!!

 

[Robin]

Well I am a South African. Born here, and yes, and I have always been giving myself such a hard time for being a weak and ridiculous, as my trauma and life is nothing like what happens to other people in my own city everyday. Kept telling myself to get over it, beacause look at what the following people have had to deal with and they seem fine (and I can list at least 10 people that I personally know that have had dreadful and violent experiences).

Living on a plantation esp in the 80's saw I alot and mostly hear alot on the radio's in our house with farm attacks. My dad would find tourtured bodies in the plantation ever so often during those times.

We went from a farm with no burgular guards / security / fences; where we would put our matress outside and sleep under the stars on a hot summer night to the following by the time I went to university: Burgular gaurds, electric fences, armed guards, flood lights in the yard. Radios in the main bedroom and the passage, passage gate, panic buttons attached to loudspeakers (so that the nearby farmers could hear). We all learn't how to use all the gus in the house and had drills.

Different now in that what's happening now in the counrty is just crime and not a political struggle.

Many of my friend/family have left the country in the past 3-4 years. This after being attacked in their homes, or some crime, that was violent. Have had to take people to hospital in the middle of the night, after being attacked in their homes.

I sometimes smile to myself and think that I didn't need to look far to find a therapist with trauma experience. Here in this country, whether they want to or not they need to be, because of 'stuff' that has become the norm to deal with!

But I love my country, even though I can see how disfuctional we all are. I can see it in our, general conversations as Beth has already pointed out.

I have been on a holiday to America for a month, and I must tell you ... the freedom / safety you life with makes me uncomfortable. It feel like it can't be real (and I am scaning and checking constantly) ... I am sure you guys will find us South Africans, very paranoid!

I can't trust that it's real.

Battle with trust, taught not to trust anyone!!!