Living In Pain And The Toll It Takes On The Mind

[Deleted member 541]

I've had Fibromyalgia and Myofacial Pani disorder for about 20 yrs now. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't have pain in at least one quadrant of my body. Then there is the arthritis. Just found out this past month that my neck is full of it and severe disc compression. Well, just had X-rays on Wednesday and my entire spine from top to bottom is full of arthritis and severe disc compression. I've actually lost 2 1/2 inches of height due to this in the past few yrs.

Then the dr hit me with the news that the X-rays also picked up that my aorta is full of plaque and I am at a very high risk of having a fatal heart attack. I actually thanked her for the good news!!! She was a bit taken back when I said that and asked what I meant. Told her if a heart attack would take me out, then I was grateful. I'm tired of living in pain and it would be a blessing.

Am I depressed? NO, I'm not. I'm just tired of the pain. Tired of working everyday in pain. And because of the f*cking drug addicts that have caused such an epidemic with opioids and shit, you can't get pain meds for anything around here.

I've already made the decision to do nothing about the new diagnosis of partially blocked aorta. I'm hopeful it will be quick. I'm not doing the statins as they cause muscle pain. Really? Like I need more of that!

Anyone else just feel like this???

 

[ladee]

Yes! I have recently commented here somewhere that I am finally in the maintece stage with PTSD but the damned pain is what is going to take me out.
And I haven't suffered as long as you have.
I have to work double time on my attitude and tone of voice.
I think I get depressed sometimes.
But try to get moving
.I do understand..but don't leave us just yet!!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I thought I'd gotten rid of most of my aches and pains with my drastic diet change, but have learned after the first year honeymoon period that all those years of unintended neglect aren't that easily or quickly remedied, if ever. I call mine the traveling pain brigade. Arriving at a new port daily, revisiting old ones in between, but never fully leaving. I'm often left wondering how in the hell I ever functioned like I did back in the day with all of my go, go, go!!! Simply getting dressed is exhausting most days. Relief is fewer and farther between than ever, it seems. I'm digging my way out of the winter blues on top of the pains and am f'n exhausted before I even think of getting the day started. Grateful for the weird warm days in between, even though they don't feel natural. Cold weather makes it hurt worse. Bla humbug. You're definitely not alone.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee The pain is just getting to the point that I can't cope anymore. I'm still dealing with dizziness from the concussion too. That's every f*cking day for the past 2 months. Seriously, when she told me, I was ecstatic. I thought, OMG, it's my ticket out of here.

Sad, when you can't get pain management because of the opioid epidemic in this area. Shit when I went to the hospital after I fell, and had severe pain in my neck and back plus the dizziness and double vision the dr offered me Tylenol!!!!!!!!!!! I refused it.

Pain just eats at whatever hold I seem to have. I think I'm doing ok, and the pain escalates and the mood deflates. Everyday, it's wake up and deal with pain. Knees, back, neck, hands... pretty much throughout my entire body. There just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

I always thought the PTSD would get me. Nope, it's gonna be the pain and now hopefully a huge heart attack!!!!!! God, I hope it's soon. 50 yrs of f*cking PTSD, 20 of those yrs in physical pain. I'm pretty much done with all of this shit!!!!

 

[ladee]

Oh sweetie...what can I do to help..
I've had days like that but not years. I understand wanting it to end...and you can't get anything for pain....can you at least get ahold of some pot?
I can't believe you are gutting this out with nothing to take..words are so hollow.

 

[ladee]

@Tornadic Thoughts , yes exactly. I never paid any attention to my body. PTSD crap..how did I work as long as I did?I understand!

 

[Friday]

So if we're losing you to a fatal heart attack any day... Why the hell are you writing this from a Midwest winter with crap for pain management... Instead of drugged to a fair thee well, stretched out like a cat in the sunshine, purring on a Brazilan/ Thai/ NewZealand/ Caribbean beach???

 

[The Albatross]

Me and my friends know pain intimately... in various degrees and we just get pissed off at it and go on anyways. I've been having some pretty serious spasms in my back from my T-8/T-9 compression fractures for instance and get that it's wearing however failure is not an option. Not for me anyways. I also have arthritis, and osteopenia and autoimmune/inflammatory responses and have for about 16 years now.

I dunno, I just think of some pain as incidental and maybe it doesn't bother me as much because in "all life there is suffering" - I take for granted that with illness/debility will come some pain however I am much more afraid of RX meds than I am pain. My best friend is too and it is nice to have a local partner with the same opinion. No pain would be nice, but pain sometimes at least means I'm not disassociated and I'll take that over putzing around with Rx meds and side effects. Pain til it hits a 10 consistently for me please.

 

[The Albatross]

"...Instead of drugged to a fair thee well, stretched out like a cat in the sunshine, purring on a Brazilan/ Thai/ NewZealand/ Caribbean beach?"...

Really? :unsure:

 

[Friday]

Really? :unsure:

Yup.

Granted, that's the kind of thing that's pretty notorious for making people want to live (proper pain management, injuries no longer exacerbated by the weather / crippled in winter, sunshine, good food, good living)... But as there's a clock running? Seems like wanting to live is a risk worth taking for living out the remainder of your days as one might wish to live them, even happy; instead of cold, hurting, & miserable. But burn that bridge when one gets there. There are heart surgeons in the Virgin Islands, should one run the risk of deciding to live.

 

[The Albatross]

Fundamentally disagree. But that's just one take. Seeing as how I've seen how resilient the body is and what it can do when/where will is concerned.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Friday You have a good point. Now let me explain my point. I'm almost 64, with absolutely no savings. I live day to day. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I have no life insurance, so when I die I have no f*cking clue who will pay for my burial or cremation.

Ahhh. St Thomas in the VI.... Been there, 3 times... Beautiful place. Cost of living????? Expensive. Everything needs to be shipped in, as it's an island, like all other islands. Housing, very expensive, as is everything on the island.

So at almost 64, no savings, no family, no friends, moving anywhere would be almost impossible. Plus there is the "How would I support myself at 63 1/2 yrs old" in a new place????? I have virtual shit as far as Social Security when I retire.

It's not just the arthritis, fibro and now possible heart shit I'm dealing with. I also have other health issues that also interfere with with quality of life. At my age, it's quality over quantity and the way I see it lately, I don't have much of either.

I'm not afraid to die. Actually, if they told me that tomorrow would be my last day.... I would invite everyone to the biggest f*cking party ever. I would drink, smoke, take drugs, and party till my last breath and enjoy every minute of it. Instead of a "coming out party". It would be my "Going out party". :smug::joyful: