Lonely, Accused, And Tired

[YogiBear]

Hi All,

Here I am, and early 40's gay man. I cannot tell you how disillusioned with life I am right now. I have been weening myself off Xanax, but last night I took more than normal. The stress I am under is so great, that the 2 mg dose did nothing for me. My partner I believe to be thinking that I am having another one of my pity parties again. Perhaps he's right.

Things have been strained between us. I realize that he's tired of my situation. I spent yet another whole day in a deposition. I am involved in a civil lawsuit against my former employer because my life was threatened, then I was sexually discriminated against for being gay, and fired. I have learned to make my story concise so that I can get straight to my raw emotions.

I love my partner, and he me. This is indisputable. That being said, I feel that I am experiencing PTSD in the relationship from the constant highs and mostly lows. He said he was going to leave me after my deposition today, then quickly changed his mind. I will sometimes also initiate a breakup. We've been having some ups and downs lately.

The other night I said that it feels like my life's falling apart, and he replied that it probably is. I feel very alienated in my relationship. I feel I need more friends. He said that I am the only person holding myself back. I don't know, honestly; he could be right.

We've been in an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for the past several months. We've both had real stressors in our lives. Frankly, I seem to annoy him because I only think of myself. Those are his feelings. He often gets angry with me. That's how I feel. So, there we have it in a nutshell.

Lately, I feel so sick and down that even the most mundane of tasks in life are difficult and unpleasant. What used to bring me pleasure now abates me. That being said, my new normal seems to be moving towards acceptance by me. I am tired of fighting it. I am tired of fighting with my partner. I have told him this.

So I tend to be more open, honest, etc, about my feelings. I am tired of facades. This has completely changed the dynamic of my partner's and my relationship together. I feel more live and let live. I also feel that I have found my voice. I cannot tolerate his anger, which often is not even directed towards me. Still, I feel that perhaps the burden rests upon my shoulders, as I had experienced this same issue in my previous relationship.

I just don't know what to do. A part of me is beginning not to care; I almost think this may be a positive. I simply don't know.

Bitterly,
YogiBear

 

[MissMacD]

Hi YogiBear,

I am in my first healthy relationship at 28 years old. My boyfriend and I are celebrating three years on December 3rd. All of the relationships that I had before him were unhealthy and took such a toll on my health that I had to get out of them.

When my PTSD is in full force I am a ball of negative because it takes over my life and consumes all of the things that I used to enjoy. Simple things like eating and sleeping suddenly become challenging so maintaining a relationship can be extra straining.

If my current relationship didn't add strength and support to my life I wouldn't be in it.

 

[YogiBear]

MissMacD,

Thank you for sharing with me. I believe that PTSD also has this negative veil over me. I am so low presently. I spent yesterday in a six-hour deposition regarding my work-related traumas. I am feeling guilty, that this somehow is my fault. Why did this happen to me? What could I have possibly done for this not to have occurred? My therapist states that I cannot yet jettison these traumas from my life since I need to know the facts for my lawsuit(s).

A former work-colleague of mine, who believes in "The Secret," won't talk to me any longer. I realize that not everyone is going to like me. I do wonder if it is I who is negative. Am I for some reason a being that has come here to explore this negative emotion?

A former attorney of mine said that people with PTSD often are not involved in relationships. I don't know if this is true or not. I have spent the majority of my life with people whom I care about. I feel that I have perhaps failed to communicate my true emotions with people. Perhaps I am failing to communicate with my partner and friends?

I am so tired. When one is sick, s/he often likes company, but also alone time to just rest. I feel that I need such time. I have decided to go visit my Father, Stepmother, and elder brother for a few days. I need to get away from my partner and clear my head.

I have tapered down on my anxiety meds, so I think that I am just beginning to feel again. This is something my partner has made mention of. Perhaps I have been fighting these negative feelings and I just need to allow myself to be who I am right now. I am at a loss. He has stated that he'd like to see me on alternative meds. However, given that I am dealing with this longterm trauma, I am reticent to numb myself.

I am happy that you are in a good place with your partner after having suffered so much in the past. Peace and happiness are beautiful things in life.

 

[Shellbell]

I started to descend into complete self hate due to guilt about my husband having to go through the issues being married to me. But recently, I have started to understand that we are both doing our best in a difficult situation on both sides. He is cutting me a lot of slack, and I am cutting him more slack too. It makes for a better, not great, but easier and more toerable situation. I've been honest with my husband about my issues that affect our marriage. Some things cannot be helped. I feel less angry towards him, and his issues are heard and understood, even if they cannot be fixed right now.

Communication is the often the problem, which is easy to understand, not so easy to deal with.

I hope you are able to work through this together to sort out a more tolerable relationship for you both.