Relationship Long History Before Ptsd, Now How To Continue Relationship?!?

[misskellyann86]

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting to this sort of thing. As many people who are supporters of someone with PTSD, I feel I am in a very unique position. And I could really use some help.
Let me give you some background info...

My BF and I were friends, the best of friends all through high school and early college before we dated. He always showed an interest in me, but I never acted upon it. I always preferred to have him as a closer friend (at that time I valued friendships much more than intimate relationships due to family issues) He always seemed ok with that and I guess never felt like he would ever "attain" a relationship with me. He dated girls here and there in the meantime as well. I didn't want to risk how much this guy meant to me over a silly high school relationship. He watched over the years as I would date, and/or be sexually involved with others, some who were his "friends" or at least known acquaintances. You know how guys talk. He never made it clear to me how much that upset him and how hard of a time he has with knowing my past until we were together.

The PTSD comes into play about 6 years after we had become good friends. He and some friends were at a local bar when (long story short) a mis-identification, caused a drunken man to leave and return with a handgun. He then opened fire on my friends table. Killing one of the friends and shooting my now bf 8 times. For the next 4 months my now bf fought for his life. He has since overcome the physical injuries, but is deeply affected emotionally.

He doesn't get much support from his family or anyone else, other than me in terms of PTSD. Sure, his other friends lost their buddy too but they didn't watch it happen, nor have to stand trial against the guy that did it, ect.

So, cut to about a year after the shooting, my friend and I finally decide to start a relationship.

We were already very close so things got serious very fast. After the shooting he made his feelings towards me immensely clear and I realized how scared I was over thinking I could have lost him. Over the next 2 years we would have ups and downs. He would push me away, but always tell me he knows we would be together someday, he just had to get "right" first. I could never leave him. One because I am the "helper" personality, another because he is a truly amazing man. So very loyal, respectful, driven, just amazing. and I really want it to work. Our relationship was always the first thing to go when his ptsd would "attack" I'm not sure if this is common, but his ptsd would come in bouts. He would have good times and then it would hit bad for awhile.

Finally after almost 2.5 years of this, and a discussion on him not being able to commit to a next level (engagement, move in together, ect) He wanted me but was comfortable at the level we were at, but my patience was wearing thin and I wanted a deeper commitment from him. He said he cannot do that, so I ended things.

Well, that lasted for about a week. Remember, we've been best friends for 10 years at this point, so it felt much more than a breakup and we were both truly miserable without the other. During our time apart, he had an awakening of sorts. He said he realized that more than anything he wants to be with me and he doesnt want to lose what we had and he is ready for any and all commitments to me. Knowing him, I knew it was genuine and I knew I'd regret if I didnt give him another chance. Even tho he said he would not blame me if i didnt. So, sure enough he did just what he promised. He moved in my house and we embarked on an AMAZING relationship. In our day to day life we have virtually no issues. We are so open with our feelings and our desires and it just seems so good. We had already begun planning a wedding, ect.

However, he goes into a ptsd funk around the time of my birthday which is 2 days before his friend that was killed birthday. And yet again, he brought up the issues he has with my past, in knowing some of the guys I had relations with, and how that makes him feel like i have a "stain" on my character. I personally know I did nothing wrong during those times, I wasn't a bad person and I wasn't intentionally hurting him. He also said that he has an emotional wound from chasing me for so long and watching the damage take place along the way. He's upset at himself for not realizing this before. So the last 3 weeks or so have not been good. he is back to questioning whether this is an issue he can handle. It is very upsetting and confusing to me because he still says he loves me and is in love with me, doesnt doubt me as a partner, wants a future with me, ect. and i KNOW he means those things. So why he is so stuck on a past that should have NO bearing on our current relationship?? I know it's ptsd related or at least made more severe by ptsd because he said he now has nightmares about it, and that was one of his classic ptsd symptoms. as well as the idea of loss, emotional safety ect.

I'm just lost and devastated feeling. I put 100% faith in him that we would pull through and now he is on the fence if we can even continue.

Someone please give me some advice!! Anyone in a similiar situation?? Any suggestions on how to help him move past this??!

Thank you

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi misskellyann

You will be able to learn a lot by reading articles and threads here. As supporters we begin to understand and get some insight into the world of PTSD by sharing our stories.

Helping him move past this will probably need some professional therapy, please believe me, you can't do it on your own. You are his girlfriend and if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then support him to get that help and with love, patience and understanding things will improve over time. Can't say how long, sorry.

Your birthday being 2 days away from his friend's sounds like a trigger so he will feel more stressed. Given that he will feel guilt and shame about the shooting this wont be the best time to be talking commitment. It will be difficult enough for him getting through the day sometimes.

You will find everyone here very supportive.

Keep posting.

best wishes
LH x

 

[mzdean]

Misskellyann,

I am also new to the forum. Let me give you a little bit of our past before I share my experiences with PTSD. My spouse has PTSD from an accident 14 years ago where the gentleman in the other car did not survive. My spouse also saw it all happen. Instead of getting help at the time, he found other unhealthy ways to cope. I met him about 5 years after the accident and we became friends quickly. He eventually told me about the accident, but only very vague details. Our relationship became more than friends, and as we got more emotionally involved, he pushed me away. Like your boyfriend, I chased my husband for a long time. He had an off and on relationship that I found out about. He got back with her and I was devastated. It got to the point where I felt I had to get away or I would never get over him. I moved to California (we live in Texas), but eventually came back because I couldn't let go of the love that I had for him. We had a roller coaster of a relationship when I got back. I felt very insecure when we were in a committed relationship because of the past. I was hurt that it took him that long to figure out that we were meant to be together. I always had it in the back of my head that maybe I wasn't good enough for him or that he would change his mind about our relationship and leave. I finally had to realize that we were together and leave the past in the past. He has always had a short fuse, and April is a rough month for him due to the accident. It was only recently that he got help after starting a high stress job pushed him close to the edge.

What I have found is that sometimes I got the brunt of the anger and was pushed away when he went into his "PTSD funk." This was before he was officially diagnosed. It seems that it is easier to take things out on the ones that our closest because they are the ones that we feel comfortable sharing our true feelings with, even though it may not be in the healthiest way. It was hard to be the bearer of the brunt of the anger that he feels inside. April has always been a bad month, and I tried to not to take the things he said personally (much easier said than done). I had to find the strength in me to be the person he can depend on. It seems as though you have a very open relationship. All you can do is tell him that you love him and that you will always be there for him. Like Ladyhope said, having love, patience, and understanding are the best tools to continue the relationship.

I don't know that he will ever completely move past the relationship you had in the past. It took me a long time to realize that I was "good enough" for my husband once we finally got together. He always told me that the past was the past and he wanted to spend his future with me. It finally sunk in to me that the future was more important than the past. I used to have nightmares that he was leaving me for his ex, and now those are few and far between.

As for moving past the PTSD, it took me awhile to realize that this was a disease with no official "cure." Hopefully the bad days for you will get few and far between. Is he getting professional help? Is he on this forum? Is he taking his anger about seeing his friend die out on you because he has no other outlet? My best advice is to take things day by day. The hardest thing for me was to realize that I can't change how he feels and I am not in his head to know how he feels. This may not be the time to talk about commitment. Like Ladyhope said, it may be that your birthday is a trigger. He may feel guily, angry, sad that he is celebrating a happy time and his friend is not with him to do the same. We can only guess how he feels. Voice your concerns about his well being and hopefully he will open up about how he feels. If he closes up and does not want to talk, try not to push the issue. He will open up when he is ready, and if he feels pressure, he may push you away.

I hope this post helps and gives you some insight. I wish the best for you both and hope each day gets better.

 

[Prettysmile]

Welcome Misskellyann to the forum. I have been on here for maybe two weeks now. I am the girlfriend of someone who suffers from Combat PTSD. Yes, I totally understand you. I am in the same situation. I often question what is really PTSD related and how much is what they really feel. Its hard to tell if they are just your typical male afraid of committement or is the PTSD making them confused about their emotions. You can feel free to visit my profile and read my introduction Post about my love story with my marine and his PTSD. Another forum on here under Supporter Relationships: The thread I believe is called common behaviors of someone with PTSD also offers alot of insight that would probably better help you understand your sufferer. I also commented on there this morning with my current situation with my boyfriend and it sounds alot like yours. here is the link to the thread : [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-are-common-ptsd-behaviors.20100/#post-267775[/DLMURL]

Take care.

 

[IvyMillie]

It's nice that you guys are such good friends. So that is a really positive thing. As you know, part of PTSD is the pushing away. I wonder if he is using your past (nothing wrong in it) only as an excuse to push you away. It seems a little odd that he is the one that didn't really voice his feelings for you--so why are you held accountable? Not only that he also had relationships too.

So I just wonder if he is saying those things to push your buttons and thereby pushing you away. With PTSD there will be times they push you away and you never know when or why--it just happens.

Does he recognize that he has PTSD? Does he know the symptoms? Are you both able to be open and talk about it?

Alot of people find that they give the person their space and see what happens.

On the good side it is probably good for you to see ahead of time some of the manifestations of PTSD and how hard it can be. Once, you've seen the real challenges it brings up--it also gives you a chance to see really if you can handle being with someone with PTSD.

Unless people get alot of help and are ready for it--this pattern of pushing you away will continue. You will have to deal with it. The closer you get to someone with PTSD it's like they can't handle it too close. The marriage probably frightens him also.

Going along with this sad to say--but also people with PTSD tend to lash out to family the most. Hence, your transition from girlfriend to wife will have some changes in your relationship. I know it should be better--but usually it is more challenging. They can often be fine with friends and people outside the family, and inside the family it is harder for them.

My possibilities aren't always the case but lets just say many times. It's just something the carers just learn to live with. Some of our sufferers aren't ready and willing to get help so we just deal with it best as we can.

I hope the best for you and I"m sorry to bring up those possibilities. I hope that your boyfriend can get some help and you guys can work it out. It might just take time. You guys have been friends for so long--hopefully, it will make it easier.