Looking for a Traumatic Abnormal Life?

[blackdove]

Hi There,

Just thought I'd throw this one out there to see if anyone is familiar with this feeling and thought process.

I am finding that since I have begun examining or trying to deal with my PTSD, which stemmed from years of negative psychological conditioning/abuse I suppose, I am feeling like I should move to a new place. Not just a nice, calm little sleepy town somewhere either. I was thinking that I need to be somewhere really chaotic with airplanes flying over and sirens and yelling and just general mayhem. Maybe the centre of a big city would fulfill this need I am not sure at this point.

But I have sort of been thinking that this desire might be linked to a comfort that I get from mental mayhem. I know it sounds crazy but I feel more comfortable when there might be a storm, disaster or other danger-type event than I do if things ahead are looking smooth.

Baring in mind that I can't actually get into a plane without heavy sedation due to feeling trapped, I think I might actaully fly to the Gaza Strip or somewhere similar if I could. I feel like I am supposed to be finding, living and coping in an environment that uses my fragmented emotional state to do good things.

It might even be a better and quicker option than years ahead of psychotherapy trying to become someone who I lost within myself a long time ago.

Any thoughts welcome. :rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that when you live in an atmosphere that has a constant turmoil/dysfunction or upheaval, that you become used to it. It becomes normal, and a normal way to live. Without it you feel lost, unsure of yourself, and surroundings. Almost as if you can't function, unless there is the dysfunction going on around you.....

It's hard to break that cycle, to not want to be in that type of environment, or to even cause the upheaval so that you feel comfortable and normal, but it can be done.... I too lived in a dysfunctional home, and began to feel that dysfunction was normal, and that in order to feel normal, I had to have dysfunction going on around me. I can admit now, that if there wasn't any dysfunction going on, that I would start some, just to feel normal, and comfortable......

It took therapy, and hard work to break that cycle... Now, I can NOT stand to have any sort of dysfunction around me. I need total peace, or I can't function. If an argument starts, or I feel the situation is getting a bit out of hand, I need to leave, and I do.....I have given up a lot to get to this point, and although at times it can be a lonely place, it sure as hell is quiet, and comforting....

 

[shadow-light]

I think that sometimes we are almost comforted by the familiar, even if that thing is inherently bad, it's what we know, we know how it works and what to expect. But when that familiar aspect of our lives disappears we are not used to what remains and so crave a return.


Not sure I am explaining this that well....

 

[anthony]

Pretty much what has already been said. I have commented on this before here... only problem is you have to find it. Basically, the brain actually adapts to behaviours, atmosphere, etc... like a soldier who has PTSD from combat, they actually find it "normal" within that atmosphere because their brain can adapt to it. Same applies here... your brain is telling you that no chaos is not normal... which is very normal depending upon your trauma type. That is the very non-complicated version. Sorry, brain is pretty worn out for the day today.

It really is a behavioural cycle that you must learn to change... normal vs abnormal. This is what exposure therapy often encompasses and achieves. It is like sending a solder into a shopping centre after they have just returned from an urban combat zone, where if in a shopping zone their eyes are constantly looking for anyone to bomb the place or attempt to kill a mass amount of soldiers / people in one sitting. That is now a behaviour, so going to a shopping centre back home, where those things just aren't normal compared to a weekly or monthly event on operations, their brain must now relearn what is normal. This is what you must do... this is exposure therapy.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Blackdove,

Oh yes, I very much relate to what you describe.

I remember when it was time to start looking at careers, all the extreme stress jobs attracted me: the Marine Corps (I was thinking boot camp...my brother had gone through it and almost crapped out but I just knew I'd excel), paramedic, ER doc or nurse. I didn't know why, but I just knew I'd be good at those things, could handle incredible stress well - and even enjoy that state.

I remember once, as a young teen, my friend was driving us to school and some guy nearly ran her off the road. She had to do some fancy, quick maneuvering to get out of the way and really punch it to not go into a ditch. She was shaky and scared afterward; I was laughing, thought it was fun. I had always known I was somehow different from others in my thoughts/feelings/perceptions, but it was then that I realized how different I was with regard to responding to life/situations.

The last several years, I've swung more the other way. My over-reaction to stress is still there, but I move away, rather than toward, extreme stress. Maybe my adrenals are about worn out or something, but it does appear to have pendulum-swung the other way for me. I think my nervous system now interprets any stress as bad, as a precurser to over-the-top-dear-god-will-it-never-end stress and so wants to avoid that.
My goal is to try and find a middle-ground there...

I know that, as mentioned here, we PTSDers attenuate to stress and it feels normal. Crisis used to be the only way I felt alive and, I must confess that, even now, part of me feels rather...dulled down (in this "normal" life that I'm living...but perhaps I'm needing some novelty and excitement - in a healthy way. Hmm...food for thought).

I have read that some people are actually, chemically, lacking in the "reward response" so they seek "extreme" circumstances (extreme sports - bungee jumping, sky diving) and other such "big charge" activities. The idea is that the chemical reward system in their brain is actually lower in its chemical reward/good feeling response to pleasurable activities (as compared to "normal" people) so it takes more stimulus to get the same reward/good feeling. Something about allelles (I don't profess to know much of anything about it). There was some evidence, if I remember, that indicated that people more prone to addictions had that lower 'reward' response. I don't remember reading any research into the connection between this and PTSD (whether PTSD lowered pleasure response, etc.).

Maybe it's not just attenuation to stress...maybe it's also trying to get some sort of experience or feeling of being alive. I know for me that numbness is a killer. I do remember, in 4th grade, watching some kids play tetherball and thinking, "Are they really as carefree and happy as they seem, or are they faking it, like I do..."

-Dylan

 

[blackdove]

Thanks for that everyone. Is good food for thought.

Dylan: I have a simlilar memory from being about 15 yrs old when 3 kids in my school died in a car crash. One of then I knew and sat next to in class. The entire school was in mourning and people crying everywhere. I didn't cry at all and felt really uncomfortable in that atmosphere so went home and stayed there for a couple of days until things were less sad. I suspect it is this response to early trauma that attracted//led me to take on another 12 years of trauma in a cultish group. NOW, I only know stress and my body is revolting against it horribly. Burnt out mid-30's is just annoying and although I know I need help, I wouldn't be complaining if there was a global bird-flu epidemic some time later this week. I'm ready. I'll survive :-)