angelphamine
New Here
hi, im 21 years old and just moved out of my neglectful/abusive familys home with my husband about a month ago.
i think this post is going to be so long i'm so sorry. there is so much and i genuinely don't know how to sum it up shorter. i hope this is okay to post here.
so ,my mom and dad divorced when i was 4 or 5, and after that my mom moved us in with my grandma and we grew up in her basement until i was 10 and i got a room upstairs. i have 2 siblings, one has moderate support needs & autism, and my sister later got a room upstairs too.
my mom screamed a lot at us when we were kids, and locked us in the laundry room for time out and forgot about us sometimes. i think my brother got the worst of it because he is autistic and had a lot of behavior problems especially when he was young. So he screamed and cried a lot over very little things and my mom would just tell us to stop making him scream.
we weren't fed properly at all and i remember having to ask for food a lot and it would take her a while to get up, and sometimes she would say no to something i wanted like a simple microwaved chicken pot pie. i grew up thinking it was really hard to cook because it took a long time and my mom would make a big deal out of it.
there was a lot of stuff but i honeslty can't remember it right now and don;t want to think about that part much.
she didnt get a job until i was 12 or 13 and didnt keep it for long. she got a couple more but would stay less than a month and she didnt get another one until 2021 or 2022. (i was 16/17)
she would leave me at home to watch my autistic brother at night, i think around maybe 8 pm to 11-12 am? andso i had to stay in the basement just watching him cause i never made him food or anything i didnt even know how, and i was terrifed someone would break in becaus i knew i couldn't do anything and i remember feeling like it would all be my fault and my mom would blame me if anything happened. most nights he would end up screaming and it was so much for me i couldn't handle it, i would text my mom telling her that he's screaming but it didn't matter, so i would leave him and go upstairs. my grandma got home around 7-9 depending but she never watched him.
my first friends were two girls who i miss so much. but i felt never fully included in their friendship, i think because my mom didn't want to interact with anyone elses moms. they would always have awesome hangouts and huge sleepovers and i would just see all my friends there and i wouldn't have even known about it.
oh my gosh, writing this right now just feels like digging into a wound that never even healed i just numbed.
i had to go to my dads house every weekend and he lived like two or three cities away so only one time i got to hung out with a friend while i was at my dads. my first pool party invite (that wasn't for the whole school) from my best friend in like 4th or 5th grade i couldn't go because i had to go to my dads' house. i begged him to take me but i remember him brushing it off and making jokes. i remember being so. deeply. upset. that i couldnt go. it was one of my dreams to go to a pool party. i remember looking at pictures of pool parties and watching shows and movies with them.
(my dad is extremely immature, makes poops jokes, was goth and married my mom who was also goth on june 6th 2006, then suddenly became devout christian which is basically my fault because at 5 i asked to go to church without even knowing what it was and he "did anything for his little girl" so he took me to church?? then became christian.)
anyways yeah i never got to go. i did get to go to another pool party later thrown by somebody from girl scouts or church i don't know, but i didn't know anyone there at all and i remember just playing in the water by myself or with my sister and dad and sitting on the steps with my sister the whole time. might has well been a public pool! i get that memory confused with the scene from Eigth grade, so theres that for reference xD (i'm so sorry my mood is going up and down like crazy as i write this)
me and those girls fell out in 5th grade, where around 10 i met my former best friend.
but yeah i always felt like i was on the outside of everything. at my dads house i was made fun of, at my moms house i was screamed at, at school i was included partially up until 5th grade, when i met my former best friend. We were shy at first and could only talk through messenger and in person would be silent but slowly we became inseparable, we loved pokemon, david bowie, michael jackson, roleplaying, texting on messenger, five nights at freddys, and browser games. back then we both loved to draw. our friendship was awesome. but then My mom mentioned how pretty she was one day, and i had never thought about it before, and suddenly everything about me was wrong and i needed more than anything to be her. I remember standing in the mirror looking at myself SO much as a kid, at completely different ages. i would overthink about what even made people pretty, and why wasn't i considered as pretty as her, and i would look up how to get anor*xia. i think that moment in the car fundamentally changed me. everything from then on felt like a competition.
there were weird fights that didn't make sense which i guess is normal, and i always felt extremely insecure and like she was better than me, and felt like she was bragging all the time but i didn't see it that way then, i just wanted to be her SO badly. she decided she wanted to be emo right before 6th grade and my dad was goth and raised me to hate emos so at first i told her i didnt want her to be emo but then i realized i wanted to be emo. then we were allowed sleepovers in 6th and we hung out EVERY weekend, and i remember the first time she came over my grandma made another comment about her being so pretty. ("not as pretty as you of course!" yet never complimented me otherwise. actually actively insulted me almost nonstop.)
but we did crazy things like knife throwing in graveyards and playing with ouija board and believing that we were demons/spirits
we dressed emo together for like one school year, and then suddenly she was obsessed with victorias secret and being cool. I didn't understand at first and i stayed emo for like a year but slowly i felt insecure being emo hanging out with her because nobody else was emo and they would joke about how i had been emo for so long. She didn't draw anymore and every time she did she'd get really frustrated. I was confused by everything and i just started copying the way she dressed. i didn't want to copy her but i just remember being so confused about rap music and trends and not understanding how to use social media or keep up with trends back then, i just looked to her to tell me what was cool. and i acted like it was all just a coincedence. i remember feeling so threatened by everything all the time. and I would fall into drama suddenly without even doing anything, like i just remember going along with whoever i was friends with at the moment and it always screwing me over later.
at the beginning of that school year though, she introced me to multiple new friends, and we all became friends. One of the friends she introduced me to, introduced us to another girl, and she became friends with us too. so there was 7 people in the group.
We never hung out all at the same either. But then suddenly around 7th grade my main best friend completely started hating another girl in the group who became my best friend, so my life was constantly i'm fighting with one and friends with the other. and my main best friend would refuse to talk to her or give a reason why she hated her. i remember wishing so badly it would go back, and thinking like, oh we'll be friends again one day, she's just mad for no reason right now. but she hated her for so long that by the time she realized there was no point, it was way too late and we were all 18 already.
Anyways, in the beginning of 6th grade, we all got close because, another long story, i was crazy and would make up stories and try to make them happen in real life.
in 4th grade i tried to make pretty little liars happen, i tried to be elsa with wind powers in real life and teach others to use their powers. stuff like that. and it's so weird because i was never thinking like, oh im gonna trick everyone, or even like oh i want this to happen so ill make it happen, no i remember knowing that i was doing it, but also genuiniely believing it all at the same time. i remember this desperate feeling that i had in 4th grade of, god why is life so boring? why does nothing interesting happen to me like in pretty little liars? now i know my mother was just neglecting us and i shouldn't actually have been so bored.
well in 6th grade me and my best friend decided to use a ouija board, and i still don't know if i moved the planchette or not. i know sometimes i was and sometimes i wasn't. and sometimes it really felt like none of us could tell. we ended up "meeting" a spirit named hazel, which led into a whole thing where i made fake facebook accounts (something i had been doing for a LONG time, i would go online and pretend to be random people and catfish people at like 7 years old. i dont know why i did that at all. i feel horrible about it)
but i made the facebooks and would text from multiple accounts in groups at the same time so we were all online, and we started believing in a spirit world and that we were spirits and could choose to be like vampires or whatever. And we believed in the Demon zozo and believed we had interactions with him. it went on for a long LONG time. i don't remember how or when it ended but it took over our lives. maybe it took over mine more than theirs. i'm not sure. but it was me and my friends everything at the time, and it felt so free being friends with her then, we didn't care what anyone else thought of us, and it was right before our friendship became horribly toxic and forrever irreparable. we would literally pretend to be dogs and train each other at the park at 11-12 years old xD
in the middle of it all, i was taken out of school in the beginning of 7th grade after my little brother was taken out of pre-k, and me and my sister started begging to be taken out too, and we were "unschooled", and told that we would be teaching ourselves, but i wasn't being forced to do it and just never did. so i got no eduction.
and the friendship with my best friend was just doomed from the start. and we slowly fell apart,
I think it was just a slow progression of us being so uncomfortable around each other, her meeting new people and not including me, (but she would still hang out with me and talk about how funny the groups were), she hated everyone i talked to and wasn't interested in doing anything i wanted to do, (it had been that way for a while though) and those people eventually got her into heavy-ish drugs (weed, shrooms, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, that's all i know) and alchohol, and for a while she was very different, and she was saying everybody was jealous of her, threatening people, reckless behavior, just stuff like that. i won't go into that anymore cause it's her story not mine. i tried shrooms and ecstasy with her once but she didn't tell me that it was at someone's house that we already knew and i didnt recognize him because i only knew him online, and he was a p*doph*** and r*p*st, luckily nothing happened but he was angered easily and scary to be around. i didn't see her in person after that. she ended up clean and having a baby and we tried to hang out but i just couldn't (i am so bad with change and her having a baby in early 2023 changed everything, my view of her changed. i felt betrayed) and it fell through anyways and i just don't think there's any chance of us being friends again no matter how badly i want it. we are at completely different stages now. it hurts so much because growing up i genuinely thought we would be best friends for ever. as a kid i always believed in that, but everyone else would move on and find new best friends. i always stayed stuck. i wish there was at least one other person from back then who feels the same way i do. or anyone. idk.
i miss being in 5th grade with her so much, and roleplaying, and being obsessed with david bowie, pokemon, michael jackson, and texting all day on messenger. all of our inside jokes. and now i have nothing, nobody, and any new friendship would feel so wrong, not seeing their childhood and knowing them most of my life. i don't want to start over. i wish things could have just gone how they were supposed to. or how i wanted them to. why am i the one that gets left behind, why couldn't i have just been someone else. i have been on high alert since i was in 5th grade with not a moments break, until now i guess.
anyways my grandma kicked us all out when i was 14 in 2019 and bought us a house, but it only had 3 rooms with 4 of us. at the time my brother was still sleeping with my mom (he was 9 or 10 i think) and didn't want his own room, but he VERY quickly needed his own room, and was locking everyone out of my moms room, so my mom (after years of promising and saying she would) built the dining room into a room for him in maybe 2022 or 2023. our small overcrowded house got so much smaller.
in 2021 my mom admitted herself to the psych ward without telling anyone but my sister and my sister didn't understand what she was talking about, so after my mom went missing my sister came and asked me if i knew where she was and that she said she was checking herself into the hospital and that was all we knew. we freaked out and i texted her boyfriend and he didn't know either. she called me the next day to explain. she came back and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started medication. things were okay in 2021. things actually seemed great in 2020-2021.
in the middle of 2022 i suddenly switched from a pink cute aesthetic to dressing completely black and feeling depressed all the time, i switched aesthetics all the time but this one was deeper,me and my former best friend became re-obsessed with the spirit world, and became exremely obsessed with zozo, me and my friend would talk about hearing his voice in our heads as thoughts and stuff like that, i drew him a lot, it's hard for me to remember this period in my life for some reason. but she didn't like zozo and didn't want to talk to him and i started being more obsessed with him after that, but no one in the psych wards even asked about it and when i mentioned him the nurse said it could be real because she studies bibles and demons and stuff. looking back that version of me feels like a completely different person. like actually, i feel detatched from that person and the memories are scary because it doesn't feel like me. i'm going through similar right now. but i slowly fell out of worshipping that demon and i still don't know if i believe in it. a lot of bad things keep happening to me lately, every day, it's making me feel not real, cause it's a lot of little things but it's like important things i dont know how to explain it. like my snowglobe from a ballet i went to and then pushed myself harder than ever through crippling anxiety to start classes at at 19 years old, broke earlier. and i haven't been able to go to ballet since i moved. it's just like why. anything else in that box could have broken . it's one thing after another. and i remember when i was 'worshipping' zozo, i would beg him for something, and it would happen, and when i stopped, bad things would happen, like a giant spider that crawled into my hair while i was laying down and that's never happened in my LIFE. strange things like that. right now i am considering trying again because at this point anything to get better.
anyways i addmited myself to the psych ward twice in 2022 (that's when i was obsessed with zozo) and was almost forced a 3rd time by my mom but talked her out of it on the drive there. at the time the only reason i knew i was upset was because the house was dirty. i was 17 and i had no idea that i had been abused by the person id been living with my whole life. i didn't realize that until 2023.
my mom started screaming again a lot in 2023. it was so bad, every single day i was sending paragraphs to my friends venting about what they were doing, because every day there was something insane going on, my brother ripping up paper plates in the kitchen and screaming at the top of his lungs, my mom screaming back at him, multiple times of my mom threatening suicide and leaving the house, days where she'd be so mad we would get scared and hide in one room together. we never even interacted otherwise.
every day i would cry and watched Tangled over and over, because i just wanted my day to escape my mother gothel , and they said very similar things. i just ghosted everybody because i couldn't handle dealing with this daily and bothering them with me talking about it, and i couldn't pretend to talk about anything else. i just vented on a wattpad diary.
it calmed down again in 2024, maybe because we got 5 kittens suddenly born the beginning of that year, and up to about a month ago (since i moved out) it just felt like the whole house was constantly on the verge of screaming at each other, but everyone had smiles on their faces. except my sister who just kept trying to argue and making fun of my mom and brother, but never me. it always felt so weird how different she treated me. maybe like i am fragile, maybe because she wanted me to help her move out, (explained more later) i don't really know. I've figured out that my whole family besidedes by brother thinks i'm really dumb because i keep my mouth shut.
but anyways my mental health started getting so bad in april/june this year and i was getting very suicidal, one of my closest friends that ive known since 6th grade commited suicide in april. I still don't know what to think or say or feel. I isolated myself and I hadn't talked to him or much of anyone for a year before that. I feel so horrible and i wish so so f*cking badly that i could have known how he felt and talked to him. from what ive heard he was in a very similar situation as me and i just wish we could have talked about it and maybe helped each other. maybe not i don't know. but i know he didn't f*ckng deserve that. He was the only person that forgave me for acting the way that i did. he wwas the only person that was always nice to everybody no matter what and i HATE that because i know how it feels to be too scared to stand up for yourself and turn it all inwards. I hate that i wasn't there for him.
My friend texted me after that happened checking up on me. but she never responded back. i don't know why she did that. it just added more pain when she could have just left me alone. i wanted to talk to her. i miss her so much.
and then i admitted myself to the hospital in june i think. they were full and they sent me somewhere else called old vineyard that was AWFUL. it was just a holding cell so they could get paychecks. doctors would argue with schizophrenic patients. i had to pretend the entire time and they held me a week. i was admitted twice before in 2022, in a much worse state, and only held for 3 days both times. it was excruciating being trapped there, and they kept lying to me about different things, and the hospital said visiting would be every day but it was only sunday. it was AWFUL.
my mom could only pretend she cared about me for like two days after i got out. by that time i already knew it was going to go away. i just wish it didn't. my mom only ever cared about us when we are hurt or sick and it caused me to be one of those people faking tourettes on tiktok and now i just have this deep desire to get really sick or attempt s*ic*de and survive so my family will start loving me again. and treating me better. i know that's bad thinking. i just can't believe i'm a person and that i'm saying these things. i can't believe that there is something wrong with me, and that all of these feelings ive been running from have always been here hiding, driving me insane and making my brain giving me ocd thought spirals so i would focus on figuring something out that never even existed so i didn't realize how bad it was. ( i have been figuring things out like that in therapy)
i always thought there was nothing wrong with me. I don't feel like a real person and it feels like all these different parts of me and of my life aren't connected. like they don't exist or matter or make a person. idk how to explain it. my life feels so specific in a way i can't explain. and it changing and not being what i thought, and myself not being what i thought, it feels weird, scary, and i have a feeling of dread. i'm not the person i thought i was. and i don't know anything about myself even though i spent years trying to figure out who i was and overanalzing my thoughts, and feeling like i had a solid understanding of who i was. and maybe i did understand who i was at the time. i had no idea how much i was being affected by still being in an abusive household. i honestly didn't even realize i hadn't gotten out yet.
but then i finally got an apartment a month ago, and i was so excited but didn't want to leave the house because i don't like change and was scared of less stability. and leaving my family even though i need to. my sister was happy for me at first. my mom wanted to help me.
but then my sister came and confronted me and told me that she needed to be a little selfish, and that she always does everything like confronting our mom for me, (which i never asked her to, she always offered and it seemed like she enjoyed it. i am terrified of my mother, and she doesn't listen to me, and if she gets mad at me she takes things away from me.
i can't drive so that was something i needed to rely on her for. i could not make her mad at me.) and driving me places, (which again she never had to! she offered and seemed happy to, and it was only 3 or 4 times when my mom couldn't!, but then she just said i should have figured it out already, completely disregarding everything she knows about me and why i can't yet.) and said it wasn't fair that i was leaving without her, after we had discussed getting a house and escaping together, but she didn't want to help my brother
and i didn't like that. i badly needed space right then and was trying to tell her that but she wouldn't respond to that, and we also had never fully discussed it or agreed on anything. it was always a hypothetical in a perfect world thing, but she said while i was admitted she mentioned to my husband she wanted us to wait on getting an apartment and try to make a plan to get a house, which i think is not reasonable because i was suicidal and desperately needed to get out fast, and i felt horrible about leaving them but i literally had to for my own mental health. but my husband forgot because he works a lot and has adhd and a lot of stuff on his mind (especially because we depend on each other a lot and i was being held wrongfully for a week) but she just said that she's always not listened to/forgotten about and turned it into about her working a lot too and saying "so you know how i feel?" which wasn't the point, he just forgot! and i wouldn't have wanted to anyways. i've been feeling so guilty ever since this happened. she won't even respond to me to try and figure it out, i think because i said she sounded like our mom using the things shes done for me against me and saying ive done nothing for her, but she just got mad and said it's ffed up for me to say that and that i'm taking after our mom and her boyfriend agrees because i "impulsively" bought an apartment. (but my therapist wanted me to!) and it's not fair comparing that to the impulsive decisions my mom makes! i bought an apartment because i wanted to survive. i was just trying to express how she made me feel and she doesn't understand.
i don't know why i care so much, because i have felt like she has been overbearing my whole life, and she was going to move out back to my grandmas and leave me and paint my old room and that hurt, because i have been wanting to go back there for years, even right after we moved in i wanted to go back, but she says it's my probelm because i never say anything. and it hurts because i know she is right, i should have stood up to her and said what i wanted, but i'm scared of everyone, she's so mean all the time and insults my brother who doesn't deserve it, and starts arguments with my mom for no reason and it's scary for me, i don't think my mom treats her the same as me and my brother at all. my mom told my sister she was her favorite on her birthday once, and not to tell us. but my sister came to tell us. i can just sense how my sister feels like she is so much better than me. it hurts because i feel like she is, i feel like a failure and a loser. i am the older sister. why am i not better?
i miss them so much. i miss living in my grandmas house. i miss having a clean house.
everyone in my family has changed and i can't stand it. my siblings changed their names & my brother is trans which i have no problem with but i have issues accpeting change, and suddenly none of us were kids anymore playing on the wii and going on hikes listening to Nahko in the car, making stupid jokes and thinking that i had the best mom. i miss my moms ex boyfriend who is the only adult male figure i had in my life that cared about me. i miss all my old friends. most of them hate me or treat me weird, i was just crazy from all my trauma and no one saw it, not even me. i copied my friend insulting everybody and i was so mean for about a year, and for me it felt like nobody could hurt me if i just insulted them and said i don't care about them. and it worked until it didn't and now everyone hates me, and won't even talk to me.
and the only person from then that did forgive me for the way i acted and cared about me is gone. i miss him so much. i can not get over it. i just keep detatching from all of my emotions and then it all hits me all at once and all i can think is no.. no.. please stop..
i just feel this huge ball in my head of something being wrong, and needing to word it a perfect way or find the one true answer to fix it all, but that's my ocd, and there's nothing, and do i really just have to get through this and just deal with it? I know i need to stop trying to fix it, and to focus on healing, but my brain is constantly racing and having realizations about why i do things and i feel like i need to write all of them down or i'll forget and i won't understand myself. but that's ocd too. i think it's triggered by me not feeling real and all of these memories, thoughts and ideas getting mixed up and my brain flags it all and tells me i need to figure it out, cause that's what i'm used to, and i'm trying really hard to not get caught up in the thoughts. i just keep getting stuck in the over-explaining loop cause i just can't say it PERFECTLY.
i started buproprion 3 weeks ago and the ocd thoughts and racing thoughts have gotten a lot worse. it felt like it was helping my motivation but now i just feel awful every day and su*c*dal to the point i texted 988 when i thought i would NEVER do that due to my anxiety. i didnt wanna die before the meds. i just wanted to feel better and have more motivation and less racing thoughts and anxiety. i have had meltdowns or breakdowns since 15 (thats the first time i remember) and they have gotten to be every single day multiple times on the medicine. my emotions get so strong that i hit my self, before it was usually only punch myself once or twice, or scratch once, but lately i have to to it a lot and i've been hitting my head more and i'm just so tired. I didn't see myself as this kind of person. I don't know. I'm suspected autsistic and i really don't know if they're meltdowns or relateed to cptsd or what. i don't know.
i feel like a drone. i feel like society is beating me into conformity. i never wanted to work a desk job. i never cared about making money. all i ever cared about was art. and now suddenly i have so much on my plate and barely any time for art. What is the point in living like this? I would rather be homeless. i think about it every day.
it just really sucks because growing up my whole life i saw people reminiscing on their childhoods, i saw people saying the same things i say about how time passes so fast, , as a kid it's like that won't happen to me, i'm free, and then you realize it will , and it already has, and i feel so stupid even expressing how i feel about time passing because obviously everyone feels the same way about it. but they don't understand to the extend that it pains me, when i say "i blinked and now i am here" it is so much worse than what other people mean. my years were stolen. my childhood was stolen. my happiness and sanity was stolen.
there's probably so much more i could say. but my brain is tired. i'm so sorry for this being so long. everything in my life feels extremely convoluted and nuanced and hard to explain. i can't sort it all in my head. i feel so lost and confused. i was really excited to move to this apartment and i was doing great at first and now i just wish i could start over moving in. i don't have shelves to sort anything so this place feels as messy and chaotic as my mind and my childhood. how am i supposed to relax and heal here when it feels the same?
i feel so messy and in the middle of being aware and coherent and being completely f*cking confused and unsure what i'm even talking about.
and i feel so confused like it takes me so long to process certain things and to actually take information in. So very sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense. thank you for reading all of that if you did omg? you deserve a flower crown
i think this post is going to be so long i'm so sorry. there is so much and i genuinely don't know how to sum it up shorter. i hope this is okay to post here.
so ,my mom and dad divorced when i was 4 or 5, and after that my mom moved us in with my grandma and we grew up in her basement until i was 10 and i got a room upstairs. i have 2 siblings, one has moderate support needs & autism, and my sister later got a room upstairs too.
my mom screamed a lot at us when we were kids, and locked us in the laundry room for time out and forgot about us sometimes. i think my brother got the worst of it because he is autistic and had a lot of behavior problems especially when he was young. So he screamed and cried a lot over very little things and my mom would just tell us to stop making him scream.
we weren't fed properly at all and i remember having to ask for food a lot and it would take her a while to get up, and sometimes she would say no to something i wanted like a simple microwaved chicken pot pie. i grew up thinking it was really hard to cook because it took a long time and my mom would make a big deal out of it.
there was a lot of stuff but i honeslty can't remember it right now and don;t want to think about that part much.
she didnt get a job until i was 12 or 13 and didnt keep it for long. she got a couple more but would stay less than a month and she didnt get another one until 2021 or 2022. (i was 16/17)
she would leave me at home to watch my autistic brother at night, i think around maybe 8 pm to 11-12 am? andso i had to stay in the basement just watching him cause i never made him food or anything i didnt even know how, and i was terrifed someone would break in becaus i knew i couldn't do anything and i remember feeling like it would all be my fault and my mom would blame me if anything happened. most nights he would end up screaming and it was so much for me i couldn't handle it, i would text my mom telling her that he's screaming but it didn't matter, so i would leave him and go upstairs. my grandma got home around 7-9 depending but she never watched him.
my first friends were two girls who i miss so much. but i felt never fully included in their friendship, i think because my mom didn't want to interact with anyone elses moms. they would always have awesome hangouts and huge sleepovers and i would just see all my friends there and i wouldn't have even known about it.
oh my gosh, writing this right now just feels like digging into a wound that never even healed i just numbed.
i had to go to my dads house every weekend and he lived like two or three cities away so only one time i got to hung out with a friend while i was at my dads. my first pool party invite (that wasn't for the whole school) from my best friend in like 4th or 5th grade i couldn't go because i had to go to my dads' house. i begged him to take me but i remember him brushing it off and making jokes. i remember being so. deeply. upset. that i couldnt go. it was one of my dreams to go to a pool party. i remember looking at pictures of pool parties and watching shows and movies with them.
(my dad is extremely immature, makes poops jokes, was goth and married my mom who was also goth on june 6th 2006, then suddenly became devout christian which is basically my fault because at 5 i asked to go to church without even knowing what it was and he "did anything for his little girl" so he took me to church?? then became christian.)
anyways yeah i never got to go. i did get to go to another pool party later thrown by somebody from girl scouts or church i don't know, but i didn't know anyone there at all and i remember just playing in the water by myself or with my sister and dad and sitting on the steps with my sister the whole time. might has well been a public pool! i get that memory confused with the scene from Eigth grade, so theres that for reference xD (i'm so sorry my mood is going up and down like crazy as i write this)
me and those girls fell out in 5th grade, where around 10 i met my former best friend.
but yeah i always felt like i was on the outside of everything. at my dads house i was made fun of, at my moms house i was screamed at, at school i was included partially up until 5th grade, when i met my former best friend. We were shy at first and could only talk through messenger and in person would be silent but slowly we became inseparable, we loved pokemon, david bowie, michael jackson, roleplaying, texting on messenger, five nights at freddys, and browser games. back then we both loved to draw. our friendship was awesome. but then My mom mentioned how pretty she was one day, and i had never thought about it before, and suddenly everything about me was wrong and i needed more than anything to be her. I remember standing in the mirror looking at myself SO much as a kid, at completely different ages. i would overthink about what even made people pretty, and why wasn't i considered as pretty as her, and i would look up how to get anor*xia. i think that moment in the car fundamentally changed me. everything from then on felt like a competition.
there were weird fights that didn't make sense which i guess is normal, and i always felt extremely insecure and like she was better than me, and felt like she was bragging all the time but i didn't see it that way then, i just wanted to be her SO badly. she decided she wanted to be emo right before 6th grade and my dad was goth and raised me to hate emos so at first i told her i didnt want her to be emo but then i realized i wanted to be emo. then we were allowed sleepovers in 6th and we hung out EVERY weekend, and i remember the first time she came over my grandma made another comment about her being so pretty. ("not as pretty as you of course!" yet never complimented me otherwise. actually actively insulted me almost nonstop.)
but we did crazy things like knife throwing in graveyards and playing with ouija board and believing that we were demons/spirits
we dressed emo together for like one school year, and then suddenly she was obsessed with victorias secret and being cool. I didn't understand at first and i stayed emo for like a year but slowly i felt insecure being emo hanging out with her because nobody else was emo and they would joke about how i had been emo for so long. She didn't draw anymore and every time she did she'd get really frustrated. I was confused by everything and i just started copying the way she dressed. i didn't want to copy her but i just remember being so confused about rap music and trends and not understanding how to use social media or keep up with trends back then, i just looked to her to tell me what was cool. and i acted like it was all just a coincedence. i remember feeling so threatened by everything all the time. and I would fall into drama suddenly without even doing anything, like i just remember going along with whoever i was friends with at the moment and it always screwing me over later.
at the beginning of that school year though, she introced me to multiple new friends, and we all became friends. One of the friends she introduced me to, introduced us to another girl, and she became friends with us too. so there was 7 people in the group.
We never hung out all at the same either. But then suddenly around 7th grade my main best friend completely started hating another girl in the group who became my best friend, so my life was constantly i'm fighting with one and friends with the other. and my main best friend would refuse to talk to her or give a reason why she hated her. i remember wishing so badly it would go back, and thinking like, oh we'll be friends again one day, she's just mad for no reason right now. but she hated her for so long that by the time she realized there was no point, it was way too late and we were all 18 already.
Anyways, in the beginning of 6th grade, we all got close because, another long story, i was crazy and would make up stories and try to make them happen in real life.
in 4th grade i tried to make pretty little liars happen, i tried to be elsa with wind powers in real life and teach others to use their powers. stuff like that. and it's so weird because i was never thinking like, oh im gonna trick everyone, or even like oh i want this to happen so ill make it happen, no i remember knowing that i was doing it, but also genuiniely believing it all at the same time. i remember this desperate feeling that i had in 4th grade of, god why is life so boring? why does nothing interesting happen to me like in pretty little liars? now i know my mother was just neglecting us and i shouldn't actually have been so bored.
well in 6th grade me and my best friend decided to use a ouija board, and i still don't know if i moved the planchette or not. i know sometimes i was and sometimes i wasn't. and sometimes it really felt like none of us could tell. we ended up "meeting" a spirit named hazel, which led into a whole thing where i made fake facebook accounts (something i had been doing for a LONG time, i would go online and pretend to be random people and catfish people at like 7 years old. i dont know why i did that at all. i feel horrible about it)
but i made the facebooks and would text from multiple accounts in groups at the same time so we were all online, and we started believing in a spirit world and that we were spirits and could choose to be like vampires or whatever. And we believed in the Demon zozo and believed we had interactions with him. it went on for a long LONG time. i don't remember how or when it ended but it took over our lives. maybe it took over mine more than theirs. i'm not sure. but it was me and my friends everything at the time, and it felt so free being friends with her then, we didn't care what anyone else thought of us, and it was right before our friendship became horribly toxic and forrever irreparable. we would literally pretend to be dogs and train each other at the park at 11-12 years old xD
in the middle of it all, i was taken out of school in the beginning of 7th grade after my little brother was taken out of pre-k, and me and my sister started begging to be taken out too, and we were "unschooled", and told that we would be teaching ourselves, but i wasn't being forced to do it and just never did. so i got no eduction.
and the friendship with my best friend was just doomed from the start. and we slowly fell apart,
I think it was just a slow progression of us being so uncomfortable around each other, her meeting new people and not including me, (but she would still hang out with me and talk about how funny the groups were), she hated everyone i talked to and wasn't interested in doing anything i wanted to do, (it had been that way for a while though) and those people eventually got her into heavy-ish drugs (weed, shrooms, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, that's all i know) and alchohol, and for a while she was very different, and she was saying everybody was jealous of her, threatening people, reckless behavior, just stuff like that. i won't go into that anymore cause it's her story not mine. i tried shrooms and ecstasy with her once but she didn't tell me that it was at someone's house that we already knew and i didnt recognize him because i only knew him online, and he was a p*doph*** and r*p*st, luckily nothing happened but he was angered easily and scary to be around. i didn't see her in person after that. she ended up clean and having a baby and we tried to hang out but i just couldn't (i am so bad with change and her having a baby in early 2023 changed everything, my view of her changed. i felt betrayed) and it fell through anyways and i just don't think there's any chance of us being friends again no matter how badly i want it. we are at completely different stages now. it hurts so much because growing up i genuinely thought we would be best friends for ever. as a kid i always believed in that, but everyone else would move on and find new best friends. i always stayed stuck. i wish there was at least one other person from back then who feels the same way i do. or anyone. idk.
i miss being in 5th grade with her so much, and roleplaying, and being obsessed with david bowie, pokemon, michael jackson, and texting all day on messenger. all of our inside jokes. and now i have nothing, nobody, and any new friendship would feel so wrong, not seeing their childhood and knowing them most of my life. i don't want to start over. i wish things could have just gone how they were supposed to. or how i wanted them to. why am i the one that gets left behind, why couldn't i have just been someone else. i have been on high alert since i was in 5th grade with not a moments break, until now i guess.
anyways my grandma kicked us all out when i was 14 in 2019 and bought us a house, but it only had 3 rooms with 4 of us. at the time my brother was still sleeping with my mom (he was 9 or 10 i think) and didn't want his own room, but he VERY quickly needed his own room, and was locking everyone out of my moms room, so my mom (after years of promising and saying she would) built the dining room into a room for him in maybe 2022 or 2023. our small overcrowded house got so much smaller.
in 2021 my mom admitted herself to the psych ward without telling anyone but my sister and my sister didn't understand what she was talking about, so after my mom went missing my sister came and asked me if i knew where she was and that she said she was checking herself into the hospital and that was all we knew. we freaked out and i texted her boyfriend and he didn't know either. she called me the next day to explain. she came back and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started medication. things were okay in 2021. things actually seemed great in 2020-2021.
in the middle of 2022 i suddenly switched from a pink cute aesthetic to dressing completely black and feeling depressed all the time, i switched aesthetics all the time but this one was deeper,me and my former best friend became re-obsessed with the spirit world, and became exremely obsessed with zozo, me and my friend would talk about hearing his voice in our heads as thoughts and stuff like that, i drew him a lot, it's hard for me to remember this period in my life for some reason. but she didn't like zozo and didn't want to talk to him and i started being more obsessed with him after that, but no one in the psych wards even asked about it and when i mentioned him the nurse said it could be real because she studies bibles and demons and stuff. looking back that version of me feels like a completely different person. like actually, i feel detatched from that person and the memories are scary because it doesn't feel like me. i'm going through similar right now. but i slowly fell out of worshipping that demon and i still don't know if i believe in it. a lot of bad things keep happening to me lately, every day, it's making me feel not real, cause it's a lot of little things but it's like important things i dont know how to explain it. like my snowglobe from a ballet i went to and then pushed myself harder than ever through crippling anxiety to start classes at at 19 years old, broke earlier. and i haven't been able to go to ballet since i moved. it's just like why. anything else in that box could have broken . it's one thing after another. and i remember when i was 'worshipping' zozo, i would beg him for something, and it would happen, and when i stopped, bad things would happen, like a giant spider that crawled into my hair while i was laying down and that's never happened in my LIFE. strange things like that. right now i am considering trying again because at this point anything to get better.
anyways i addmited myself to the psych ward twice in 2022 (that's when i was obsessed with zozo) and was almost forced a 3rd time by my mom but talked her out of it on the drive there. at the time the only reason i knew i was upset was because the house was dirty. i was 17 and i had no idea that i had been abused by the person id been living with my whole life. i didn't realize that until 2023.
my mom started screaming again a lot in 2023. it was so bad, every single day i was sending paragraphs to my friends venting about what they were doing, because every day there was something insane going on, my brother ripping up paper plates in the kitchen and screaming at the top of his lungs, my mom screaming back at him, multiple times of my mom threatening suicide and leaving the house, days where she'd be so mad we would get scared and hide in one room together. we never even interacted otherwise.
every day i would cry and watched Tangled over and over, because i just wanted my day to escape my mother gothel , and they said very similar things. i just ghosted everybody because i couldn't handle dealing with this daily and bothering them with me talking about it, and i couldn't pretend to talk about anything else. i just vented on a wattpad diary.
it calmed down again in 2024, maybe because we got 5 kittens suddenly born the beginning of that year, and up to about a month ago (since i moved out) it just felt like the whole house was constantly on the verge of screaming at each other, but everyone had smiles on their faces. except my sister who just kept trying to argue and making fun of my mom and brother, but never me. it always felt so weird how different she treated me. maybe like i am fragile, maybe because she wanted me to help her move out, (explained more later) i don't really know. I've figured out that my whole family besidedes by brother thinks i'm really dumb because i keep my mouth shut.
but anyways my mental health started getting so bad in april/june this year and i was getting very suicidal, one of my closest friends that ive known since 6th grade commited suicide in april. I still don't know what to think or say or feel. I isolated myself and I hadn't talked to him or much of anyone for a year before that. I feel so horrible and i wish so so f*cking badly that i could have known how he felt and talked to him. from what ive heard he was in a very similar situation as me and i just wish we could have talked about it and maybe helped each other. maybe not i don't know. but i know he didn't f*ckng deserve that. He was the only person that forgave me for acting the way that i did. he wwas the only person that was always nice to everybody no matter what and i HATE that because i know how it feels to be too scared to stand up for yourself and turn it all inwards. I hate that i wasn't there for him.
My friend texted me after that happened checking up on me. but she never responded back. i don't know why she did that. it just added more pain when she could have just left me alone. i wanted to talk to her. i miss her so much.
and then i admitted myself to the hospital in june i think. they were full and they sent me somewhere else called old vineyard that was AWFUL. it was just a holding cell so they could get paychecks. doctors would argue with schizophrenic patients. i had to pretend the entire time and they held me a week. i was admitted twice before in 2022, in a much worse state, and only held for 3 days both times. it was excruciating being trapped there, and they kept lying to me about different things, and the hospital said visiting would be every day but it was only sunday. it was AWFUL.
my mom could only pretend she cared about me for like two days after i got out. by that time i already knew it was going to go away. i just wish it didn't. my mom only ever cared about us when we are hurt or sick and it caused me to be one of those people faking tourettes on tiktok and now i just have this deep desire to get really sick or attempt s*ic*de and survive so my family will start loving me again. and treating me better. i know that's bad thinking. i just can't believe i'm a person and that i'm saying these things. i can't believe that there is something wrong with me, and that all of these feelings ive been running from have always been here hiding, driving me insane and making my brain giving me ocd thought spirals so i would focus on figuring something out that never even existed so i didn't realize how bad it was. ( i have been figuring things out like that in therapy)
i always thought there was nothing wrong with me. I don't feel like a real person and it feels like all these different parts of me and of my life aren't connected. like they don't exist or matter or make a person. idk how to explain it. my life feels so specific in a way i can't explain. and it changing and not being what i thought, and myself not being what i thought, it feels weird, scary, and i have a feeling of dread. i'm not the person i thought i was. and i don't know anything about myself even though i spent years trying to figure out who i was and overanalzing my thoughts, and feeling like i had a solid understanding of who i was. and maybe i did understand who i was at the time. i had no idea how much i was being affected by still being in an abusive household. i honestly didn't even realize i hadn't gotten out yet.
but then i finally got an apartment a month ago, and i was so excited but didn't want to leave the house because i don't like change and was scared of less stability. and leaving my family even though i need to. my sister was happy for me at first. my mom wanted to help me.
but then my sister came and confronted me and told me that she needed to be a little selfish, and that she always does everything like confronting our mom for me, (which i never asked her to, she always offered and it seemed like she enjoyed it. i am terrified of my mother, and she doesn't listen to me, and if she gets mad at me she takes things away from me.
i can't drive so that was something i needed to rely on her for. i could not make her mad at me.) and driving me places, (which again she never had to! she offered and seemed happy to, and it was only 3 or 4 times when my mom couldn't!, but then she just said i should have figured it out already, completely disregarding everything she knows about me and why i can't yet.) and said it wasn't fair that i was leaving without her, after we had discussed getting a house and escaping together, but she didn't want to help my brother
and i didn't like that. i badly needed space right then and was trying to tell her that but she wouldn't respond to that, and we also had never fully discussed it or agreed on anything. it was always a hypothetical in a perfect world thing, but she said while i was admitted she mentioned to my husband she wanted us to wait on getting an apartment and try to make a plan to get a house, which i think is not reasonable because i was suicidal and desperately needed to get out fast, and i felt horrible about leaving them but i literally had to for my own mental health. but my husband forgot because he works a lot and has adhd and a lot of stuff on his mind (especially because we depend on each other a lot and i was being held wrongfully for a week) but she just said that she's always not listened to/forgotten about and turned it into about her working a lot too and saying "so you know how i feel?" which wasn't the point, he just forgot! and i wouldn't have wanted to anyways. i've been feeling so guilty ever since this happened. she won't even respond to me to try and figure it out, i think because i said she sounded like our mom using the things shes done for me against me and saying ive done nothing for her, but she just got mad and said it's ffed up for me to say that and that i'm taking after our mom and her boyfriend agrees because i "impulsively" bought an apartment. (but my therapist wanted me to!) and it's not fair comparing that to the impulsive decisions my mom makes! i bought an apartment because i wanted to survive. i was just trying to express how she made me feel and she doesn't understand.
i don't know why i care so much, because i have felt like she has been overbearing my whole life, and she was going to move out back to my grandmas and leave me and paint my old room and that hurt, because i have been wanting to go back there for years, even right after we moved in i wanted to go back, but she says it's my probelm because i never say anything. and it hurts because i know she is right, i should have stood up to her and said what i wanted, but i'm scared of everyone, she's so mean all the time and insults my brother who doesn't deserve it, and starts arguments with my mom for no reason and it's scary for me, i don't think my mom treats her the same as me and my brother at all. my mom told my sister she was her favorite on her birthday once, and not to tell us. but my sister came to tell us. i can just sense how my sister feels like she is so much better than me. it hurts because i feel like she is, i feel like a failure and a loser. i am the older sister. why am i not better?
i miss them so much. i miss living in my grandmas house. i miss having a clean house.
everyone in my family has changed and i can't stand it. my siblings changed their names & my brother is trans which i have no problem with but i have issues accpeting change, and suddenly none of us were kids anymore playing on the wii and going on hikes listening to Nahko in the car, making stupid jokes and thinking that i had the best mom. i miss my moms ex boyfriend who is the only adult male figure i had in my life that cared about me. i miss all my old friends. most of them hate me or treat me weird, i was just crazy from all my trauma and no one saw it, not even me. i copied my friend insulting everybody and i was so mean for about a year, and for me it felt like nobody could hurt me if i just insulted them and said i don't care about them. and it worked until it didn't and now everyone hates me, and won't even talk to me.
and the only person from then that did forgive me for the way i acted and cared about me is gone. i miss him so much. i can not get over it. i just keep detatching from all of my emotions and then it all hits me all at once and all i can think is no.. no.. please stop..
i just feel this huge ball in my head of something being wrong, and needing to word it a perfect way or find the one true answer to fix it all, but that's my ocd, and there's nothing, and do i really just have to get through this and just deal with it? I know i need to stop trying to fix it, and to focus on healing, but my brain is constantly racing and having realizations about why i do things and i feel like i need to write all of them down or i'll forget and i won't understand myself. but that's ocd too. i think it's triggered by me not feeling real and all of these memories, thoughts and ideas getting mixed up and my brain flags it all and tells me i need to figure it out, cause that's what i'm used to, and i'm trying really hard to not get caught up in the thoughts. i just keep getting stuck in the over-explaining loop cause i just can't say it PERFECTLY.
i started buproprion 3 weeks ago and the ocd thoughts and racing thoughts have gotten a lot worse. it felt like it was helping my motivation but now i just feel awful every day and su*c*dal to the point i texted 988 when i thought i would NEVER do that due to my anxiety. i didnt wanna die before the meds. i just wanted to feel better and have more motivation and less racing thoughts and anxiety. i have had meltdowns or breakdowns since 15 (thats the first time i remember) and they have gotten to be every single day multiple times on the medicine. my emotions get so strong that i hit my self, before it was usually only punch myself once or twice, or scratch once, but lately i have to to it a lot and i've been hitting my head more and i'm just so tired. I didn't see myself as this kind of person. I don't know. I'm suspected autsistic and i really don't know if they're meltdowns or relateed to cptsd or what. i don't know.
i feel like a drone. i feel like society is beating me into conformity. i never wanted to work a desk job. i never cared about making money. all i ever cared about was art. and now suddenly i have so much on my plate and barely any time for art. What is the point in living like this? I would rather be homeless. i think about it every day.
it just really sucks because growing up my whole life i saw people reminiscing on their childhoods, i saw people saying the same things i say about how time passes so fast, , as a kid it's like that won't happen to me, i'm free, and then you realize it will , and it already has, and i feel so stupid even expressing how i feel about time passing because obviously everyone feels the same way about it. but they don't understand to the extend that it pains me, when i say "i blinked and now i am here" it is so much worse than what other people mean. my years were stolen. my childhood was stolen. my happiness and sanity was stolen.
there's probably so much more i could say. but my brain is tired. i'm so sorry for this being so long. everything in my life feels extremely convoluted and nuanced and hard to explain. i can't sort it all in my head. i feel so lost and confused. i was really excited to move to this apartment and i was doing great at first and now i just wish i could start over moving in. i don't have shelves to sort anything so this place feels as messy and chaotic as my mind and my childhood. how am i supposed to relax and heal here when it feels the same?
i feel so messy and in the middle of being aware and coherent and being completely f*cking confused and unsure what i'm even talking about.
and i feel so confused like it takes me so long to process certain things and to actually take information in. So very sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense. thank you for reading all of that if you did omg? you deserve a flower crown
