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Other Looking For Ex Cult Members / Cult Survivors

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He does want me @SheilaKathy to see him as an equal. I just don't get that term. Rank is not something I totally understand either but it's pretty much a word I'm going to delve into to see what is coming in from old rules.
 
I personally work more on changing behaviours, so that the new core beliefs will follow of their own accord with time. Behaviours are easier for me to change than warped core beliefs. I was taught stuff that was really dysfunctional, like when there's just me and a man, my job is to undress and lie on the floor, before he has the opportunity to ask.

Knowing that's what I was taught? I still feel sick, and massive amounts of shame, when I don't do that. But not doing it, reminding myself "I know why I think I have to, but I'm not going to", it's really hard but that's what's slowly gonna teach my brain that we behave differently now. So I'm focused on my behaviour.

It's much slower undoing it all than the time it took to learn that shite in the first place. Because there were massive and terrible consequences for screwing it up, whereas there's no awful consequences that I need to avoid learning my new behaviours. So on top of consciously behaving differently, over and over, I have to also continually remind myself that it's okay that relearning stuff is taking a really long time.

So to confuse matters? I need a whole heap of self compassion. That it's taking a long time, that I'm afraid of behaving differently, that it doesn't feel acceptable. Self compassion is the hardest part, because of all the shame telling me that I don't deserve self compassion.

So there's layer upon layer that I'm trying to deconstruct, and all of this emotion and new learning triggers emotions that can sometimes just be too overwhelming. Cue the need for more self compassion.

When I just can't deal with the emotional toll of trying to learn new, healthier behaviours? I now aim for "self-neutral". Which is where I quit trying to be all self compassionate, and I just treat myself neutrally. That's been an important skill for me to learn, because it avoids the incredibly destructive slide back into self harming behaviours and "I'm just gonna go back to doing what I was taught" which feels so much easier and safer (but undoes a lot of the work that I've put in towards my healing). Self-neutral. Good stuff Ragdoll!
 
@Ragdoll Circus amazing insights there. I was like oh! I understood especially that it took less time to get in than it's going to go out. I know we had birth to 12 years and that there is a ton of stuff already been addresses over the years. This core beliefs I take it you mean if I think that I can't sit until I've endured standing long enough is a core belief? It came to me in a much longer string of words today which I was trying to figure out where I learned it's exact phrasing because it was remembered as if I was reading it right from their rule book. So I thought it was more programming. My problem here is understanding new language too. Like core beliefs. I've read articles people have posted when I've asked about it in the past, but it's hard to say okay so this is a core belief. If I go with behaviour, then never sitting down in a session is behaviour? He literally said to me the other day, where are you going to stand today? It's been three years and I've occasionally managed to sit on the floor. I don't know if all this is coming up because he has moved to a new office and I do not know where I can be in the room anymore.
 
@Links - it may well be that for you, not sitting till the appropriate time is a pretty central concept and is a core belief. Personally I'd take that as a rule that you've learned, that's got some much stronger foundations under it, and those would be the core beliefs.

So, the core beliefs might be things like: there is a social hierarchy, this is how it works, and this is where I belong; I have no personal value, I can never be good enough; I deserve to suffer, etc.

I'll leave the list it at that, because it's not something I can look at for very long without starting to get really down. Core beliefs are really hard things to confront, because (certainly for me) when I start to examine my core beliefs? It's a bit like someone punching my in the stomach with "This is how messed up they made you". You can oftentimes see exactly how warped they are when you put words to them.

Core beliefs aren't so much the immediate thoughts you have (like, I walk into a room and think, "I shouldn't be here, people don't like me, they're wishing I would go away"), but the deeper seated beliefs that are giving rise to all those thoughts (like, "I'm a worthless person").

Schemas and schema therapy is a good place to take a look around if/when you decide to try and identify some of those core beliefs. Schemas are basically a short list (18 or so) of very common core beliefs that appear in trauma victims (among others).

But like I said, it's tough stuff to look at, so take it slow, work closely with your T, and practice a lot of self care when you're working with this stuff.
 
Cults. Ugh. Damaging at a cellular level. I was sucked into a little "Jimmy Jones" type cult when I was 15. Married off at 16. Baby at 17. Pregnant again at 19. We managed to "leave" while I was 8 months pregnant and an almost 2 year old in tow with $600 in our pocket and a garbage bag full of blankets (that's a story). It was the end of August in the north. Winter was coming. We had nothing.

The brainwashing was the hardest to deprogram. Even though I spent the next 2 years studying and untangling the fear and the lies, it wasn't until much later when I was in trauma treatment that I began to understand the underlying damage to my spiritual foundation. Today when I feel like I am a "Prisoner of War" because for 4 years I was a prisoner of a spiritual war. My soul was torn down and rebuilt in "his" image (cult leader John).

Thank the gods I had PTSD long before I ever went into that cult because I was never able to give over 100%. Always held that 5% back. I beat myself viciously trying to break my will to be a good "soldier" for John, to be obedient, to become one with his beliefs but no matter what I did ... I couldn't surrender it all. My new husband did. He was "in" and it was only a fluke set of circumstances that allowed us to leave. My Universe stepped up and heard my pleas.

Today I continue to heal. Today I get to find people who know what I am talking about because the only people I have met in life who come close to understanding are people who have fought in wars.

Today I get to hopefully gain a new awareness, a new healing, a deeper connection with my true self and gain more trust and security and comfort in this life.
 
Cults. Ugh. Damaging at a cellular level. I was sucked into a little "Jimmy Jones" type cult when I...
That "to be a good soldier" strikes a chord in me. Yup. I was never able to measure up. I always fell short. I tried hard too, but yes, I think I did sometimes hold back a part of myself, my soul. My body could handle it. My mind, that still belonged to me. Sure, there was a lot of brainwashing. There were parts of my brain that they could not touch though. The parts my childhood abuser/ molester controlled. So they could never have all of me. I could not have all of me. That is changing with therapy now though, thank goodness.
 
If you follow the teachings in the Holy Bible to a T, you will find that 98% of the churches out ther...
If you are in a cult, it is usually very difficult to leave. Many cults instruct their followers to shun even their own family members if they leave the cult. They often refer to people that leave as evil, Defectors or Apostates
 
I was a Scientologist for 4 years when I was in my late teens. I still get mail from them 30 years later after having moved many times.
 
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