Supporter Looking For Someone, Anyone, Who Relates

[inthistogether83]

My husband has been dealing with PTSD for a long time now. When we first started dating I knew something was going on with him because he would wake up in the middle of the night looking for a gun beside his bed, or just in a cold sweat from nightmares he couldn't seem to shake. He was pretty functional though. I asked why he wasn't going to counseling or anything like that but he never would admit that he may actually need it.

Before you know it I was in love with him and he was set to redelpoy. I told him that when he went for the mandatory screening by a shrink that he should tell them all of the things that were going on with him but he said he was afraid to do that because he did not want his guys to have to deploy without him should they say he can not go. Selfless? YES! Best for him? I think not!

By the time he came home from the deployment I had no idea who he was. Not even a glimmer of the man I once knew and loved seemed to remain. It took him about 8 months of being very men, unhappy, unable to cope with every day life... to decide that it was actually time to see someone and let them know what was going on.

They diagnosed him with Severe PTSD and told him that they are shocked he has not snapped and killed people yet. They told me to be careful because while there is no guarantee, some day without any warning at all, my husband may "flip a switch of sorts" and not even be recognizable any more. That he may be volital and dangerous and should this happen I need to get away from him along with our children.

That day came after he had had too much to drink one fateful night. I thought for sure I was going to die. If not for the fact that my very brave 11 year old son faced my 6ft 3in 300lb husband and distracted him from choking me to death by telling him to leave his mom alone, I probably would not be blogging right now. I thank God every day that this took place though because now he has realized that alcohol is not a good way to deal with his problems.

He has been sober ever since and it is going on 18 months now. I am so very proud of him. However, his symptoms seem to get worse by the day. He cries at the drop of a hat over things that make no sense to me. He yells and screams at me ALL THE TIME and calls me names on a daily basis. When I ask him to stop doing these things he just says "Its your fault that I do this!!! You piss me off so bad and this is how I handle it!"

It is not my fault if you ask me and I do not deserve it in the least. He has a choice whether or not he copes with anger in a good way or a destructive way and he is choosing to do these things. I never do anything right for him. Every day without fail, I am told at least 2 or 3 times that I have wronged him. I am not allowed to be quiet because if I am he thinks I am shutting up so I won't have to tell him what is on my mind. If I voice an issue I am having he gets angry and tells me I am just angry all the time anyway and that I do not ever have a day where he doesn't do something I feel is wrong. He has even gone so far as to tell me that I have to seem happy all the time or it is going to be an issue. Nobody is happy all the time!!!!!!!!!!

People have days when they are tired, or just don't feel well, or may be upset about something even if it doesn't have to do with you Robbie! But he doesn't care and he will tell you so. When I try to talk to him about anything, and I mean talk and not yell, he instantly gets angry to the point he is yelling again and just like 2 days ago he ended up crushing the drink that was in his hand and throwing it at me right before he stormed off and not just from the room but from our home altogether.

I was just talking to him about something he did that hurt my feelings and it ended up hurting me worse that this is how he acted. He has plans of going to school, getting a full time job, making millions, just trying to relax...... he has a different plan every 5 minutes and never settles on anything because he is now unable to make even the smallest of choices. He seems to want to relax 24 hours a day.

We have 5 kids! YES 5!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a full time job trying to help support our family because he was just retired from the Army less than a month ago and his disability check has yet to kick in. I need him to be here for me like I try to be here for him. I need him to be able to walk away from his God forsaken computer for 5 minutes to be helpful without letting me know that I m disrupting his time to relax.

I can leave him alone on his computer for several hours and when I finally come to him to ask for something helpful he still is mad because he is just trying to relax. Well we are supposed to be in this marriage together. It is not easy for one person to care for you, a house, 5 kids, and keep a full time job while trying to keep you posted on everything you can not remember since you forget everything 5 minutes after it happens and if I ask you to just help me move something heavy, or to get off the bed so I can make it one would hope you could be understanding!

Wow, I could go on like this all day. I guess I should cut it off now. After all, this was supposed to be just to introduce myself. I came to this site looking for someone who understands because I have nobody around me who has ever had to be in a position like mine.

I know many people out there have a husband/wife with the same issues and am hoping to find someone who can relate to how I am feeling. I love my husband with all my heart and just keep praying that someday things can get better. I have been told that it never goes away but if you put in the time and effort to learn your triggers and stressors, and to learn the best way to handle them that you can live a good life still.

That is why I stay. I stay because I love my husband and my kids and they are the only family I want and I keep thinking that someday things will have to get better. If you relate at all please do not hesitate to say so because I feel like I am hanging on by thread here.

 

[Eleanor]

Way to vent inthistogether! :tup: Welcome to the Forum, by the way.:)

Come on down to the supporter's section, you are not at all alone.:( It sounds like reading around and maybe starting a diary might be very helpful for you... you've got a lot to deal with. (understatement.)

I am sorry you guys are having such a rough rough time. Is he in treatment now? What is he doing? It CAN get a lot better than this - but he has to decide he wants to get better. Are there guys further along this PTSD path than he is around that could talk to him?

I don't want to come off as harsh, but if he is not committed to treating the PTSD this is what you are signing up for, and it is an abusive relationship for you, and an abusive home for your children. Read the stickies at the top of the supporter section forums. They are really really helpful.

Sending you and your family peace and healing...

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

As Eleanor has said, head over to the Supporters forum. Many there will be able to relate to what you are going through and I know reading their stories will help you.

You are not alone in this.
Linking arms
KP.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum... :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Welcome to the forum

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum...

They diagnosed him with Severe PTSD and told him that they are shocked he has not snapped and killed people yet.

I was diagnosed exactly the same, told even the same things, as were my spouse at that time told the same... and here I am today a whole lot better than those days. Not completely fixed, nor will I ever be that prior person, though with management I can keep things under control.

Your husband will be able to as well, it just takes time and hard work.

He has been sober ever since and it is going on 18 months now. I am so very proud of him. However, his symptoms seem to get worse by the day. He cries at the drop of a hat over things that make no sense to me. He yells and screams at me ALL THE TIME and calls me names on a daily basis. When I ask him to stop doing these things he just says "Its your fault that I do this!!! You piss me off so bad and this is how I handle it!"

The crying is a good thing, as it releases his anger. The yelling... well, that will need some work on his behalf to correct. He seems to have made decent changes already, and like stated, it really does take time. I've been changing and learning to manage for 8+ years now, and I still make mistakes, albeit not too often, though I still do. Some I put down to normalcy, as every couple argues, has moments, etc... which I fit within now if I keep myself well managed and my stressors down.

He will need the same time, the same constant self work... and he is doing it from the sounds of things, little by little.

It is not my fault if you ask me and I do not deserve it in the least.

Correct, it isn't your fault and he must learn that he owns his own attitude and his own choices.

he has a different plan every 5 minutes and never settles on anything because he is now unable to make even the smallest of choices. He seems to want to relax 24 hours a day.

Comes back to a lot of self work, and then self management. My days aren't real stressful, hence I am relatively normal due to it. If my wife is highly stressed longer than a day or two, I change and become different due to nothing more than PTSD from being around someone highly stressed. External stress affects a person with PTSD. It isn't an excuse, its just the way it is with PTSD.

Saying all that... he still needs to help you so that you're not stressed either. If you both manage to find a balance so you aren't stressed, thus stressing him, and he can manage the kids without too much stress, and then include something to destress him, then that is the balance. It takes time and communication, and willingness on boths behalf to find it. He must also heal amongst all of this, lessen his negative traumatic memories and emotions.

Everything you wrote reminds me of me when I first discharged with this illness... and it has been a roller coaster ride for many years after, stabilising a lot in the last few years.

He has to work on himself, on his problems. You have to work on how to not provoke him, yet also not turn into a single person raising kids or his doormat.

You must then work together at finding a constant common ground and both sticking too it, no excuses.

All sounds easy, though in fact it will take years to achieve. Find a simple task and then perfect it. Once you fix one small thing, move onto the next. Suddenly, lots of small things get rid of larger issues and compounding problems, so you keep chipping away at each small issue.

You both need to read this PDF: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/understanding-ptsd-by-anthony-parsons.13878/[/DLMURL]

 

[inthistogether83]

Anthony, thank you so much for your words. Hearing from someone in your positions gives me so much hope for our future together. I am so glad that things have gotten better for you and your wife and a story like yours is whats keeps me able to hang on. I try to remind myself every day that someone out there has it worse and i need to be stronger. For, my husband, my kids, and myself. I remind myself that he is to start treatment again soon. Things got really messed up when he was retired from the Army because we were stationed over seas at the time and he has been without his PCM since we got back state side again and just this week was able to start getting back on track with a new PCM here at home. He has been told that he has to maintain treatment such as therapy and I think when he starts that again it will help him out a lot. He just started on a new med today that they gave him at the VA and honest to God, today is the first day in probably 6 weeks that I have been around him for several hours and just been able to enjoy it.

They tried so many meds on him in the last few years and most all of them made him like a zombie so to say I was nervous would be a huge understatement. I am so excited that this one seems to be working. It was most assuredly an answer to my prayers. He took the pill and within 30 minutes he was waaay more relaxed and you could actually talk to him without him just being belligerent and mean for what seems like no reason. I know that by no means does this mean that he is just cured and all of our problems are resolved because he is on this new medication, but it was so nice to be able to enjoy an afternoon with the man I love without having to hear him talk bout how he feels like he is goign to jump out of his skin and how he wishes there was a way to just "end it all". It breaks my heart for my family when he is like that. I have been feeling like there is no way I can keep going but today has been goo and days like this are what help me to push on.

 

[anthony]

There is what I consider, the bible for supporters, called PTSD Relationships: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/book-reviews/the-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-relationship.3/[/DLMURL]

You can get it from Amazon, Book Depository, etc. Its cheap, and what it contains would take hundreds of hours to discuss here. It is focused on educating spouses and family about PTSD, but more importantly, how you have to also look after yourself, whether you're enabling behaviour or not from the sufferer, etc etc. It is hands on and contains good practical, real life application skills for you and your kids in dealing with the sufferer.

A sufferer needs support to get better, however; that person must also help themselves by actively working hard at righting the wrongs within them. Easier said than done, though it is achievable by every single person for improvement. Some people return to work, some may never work again... though you can atleast become a better person regardless and not treat loved ones like shit. You can help influence that along the way, without arguments. The book is a godsend for supporters, and the only book you need. You honestly don't need to read life stories or such, that is for those who want such information... you need hands on skills, techniques and methods to help you, help him and help the kids.

 

[inthistogether83]

Anthony, I will for sure get and read this book, thanks you again for reading my post and for your helpful words. God bless you and your family and I will be praying for you along with my family every night for things to keep getting better and better as time goes on.