Looking For Support and Validation

[Malkanthi75]

Hello,

Not sure what to say here but I guess i'm looking for support and validation that i'm not the only one and i was lucky enough to come across this site. Where do i start. Well I work in the police service (not for much longer) and had an abusive relationship prior to that. I did the right thing and left the relationship quite early and finished the academy and went straight into work. I worked successfully in the force for almost four years then what seemed to be out of the blue started suffering axiety attacks. I was then diagnosed with PTSD. As a result i haven't worked since but I was getting sick leave since then I had met a man and married we've been together 4 years and married for just under. However I thin my condition has taken a toll on him. Although I have been getting sick pay for the last year from work cut it off four months ago. My husband is mad cause I'm not bringing an income in. He thinks i'm negativve about everything and now has asked for a divorce. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and I'm so worried about how i'm going to earn an income. For some reason the very thought of working out side the house sends me in a spiral I'm not really qualified for anything else and I'm at my witts end. My depression which i thought was undercontrol has come back 10 fold. I'm still seeing professionals now i can add a lawyer to that as well. Husband seems to think that i shoud be over it by now and looking for a job. I just can't seem to face it right now. Am I the only one? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel will I ever beable to work again. They doc says it's still early but hubby says i'm just milking it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum...

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a long tunnel and it will take guts, determination, hard work and lots of patience to get there...

Read everything you can on this site, ask questions and good luck!!!!!!!

 

[cragger65]

You are far from the only person in this boat, we have all fought similar battles with anxiety and depression, as well as hard knocks. Goes with the territory. All I can say is *baby steps* - breathe deep, and share what you're dealing with, both on the inside and the outside.

 

[Kunoichi]

Welcome to the forum!!!!

You are far from alone :) Which I know helps...there are alot of great people here and a lot of information!

Also one thing that I was worried too was people thought I should "just get over it" also, trust me you will not get that here. Not to mention the support is wonderful.

As the others have said, breathe and you are among friends :)

 

[Robyn]

Welcome Malkanthi75

I'm sorry to hear about the upheavals in your life that have brought you to this point. I am a carer for a man who was diagnosed with PTSD a little over a year ago and, due to other medical problems, hasn't worked for over eight years. So I speak a little from your spouses viewpoint here.

For some years, I was torn between what my DH was suffering and whether or not he "milked" it to some degree. The more I came to understand what RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) does to the body, the better I empathized with the pain he was feeling.

When the PTSD diagnosis came into play, it was a year before either of us understood what it really meant. He was going through changes on a mental level that he didn't understand and was struggling to find a way to cope. Unfortunately, at the time, his PTSD had a vise grip on him and he coped in very negative ways. Ways that nearly cost us our marriage.

I, on the other hand, felt that he was tired of me, tired of our marriage, tired of our life and was looking for a way out. What I learned about PTSD and what people here have helped me understand, have paved the way to a better, more positive way of dealing with the disorder, and indirectly, with the RA as well.

So, to my point(s):

• Are you using your PTSD as an excuse to hide from the world around you? You say that you are seeing professionals and that is very good...but how active are YOU in working to heal?
• How much does your husband know about PTSD and coping with the cause/effect of your symptoms? You don't say whether he has taken a supportive stance in your treatments or if he's making an effort to learn about the disorder.
• Are you each communicating? Does he explain why/how he feels that you are "milking" the disorder or have you asked him? I'm sure that he's feeling overwhelmed, as I did.

It wasn't until I learned how to get past the arguing and confrontation and started to listen and talk rationally about the problems we were having, that things began to turn around for the better. If he's willing to stay and be a carer for you, then you will need to be willing to keep him informed of your need to heal and learn. Boundaries should be set on both sides to let each other know when enough is too much.

Most therapists will be willing to bring him into a few sessions and work on the marriage, if he's willing. If he's not, and wants out, then there's little you can do to stop it. Both parties have to be willing to work as a team to improve the marriage and your lives together.

He can't wave a magic wand and carry you...the PTSD is a personal issue that only you can improve. The most he can offer, if willing, is support and understanding. The key word is UNDERSTANDING.

He can't FIX the PTSD symptoms for you, and he may be feeling frustration because of that fact. PTSD symptoms can't be fixed by regular means. (e.g. He can't buy you a dozen roses and have you suddenly turn all warm and fuzzy at the gesture of love.) Because of this, he may feel that you have given up on the marriage and him, when you are trying to deal with your symptoms. I know I felt alone and cut off from my DH with no explanation...so I began looking for reasons.

I've been very long, which is my modus operandi on this forum, and I apologize. I hope this helps you to see things a little bit from the carers prospective, although I don't know his mind and could be very off base.

Sorry for the length:stupid:...hugs!
Robyn

 

[Deleted member 1606]

You are valid. :) More usefully, I know how it feels to want ot move forward but be too much in pain and confusion to move. It is torture, especially since everyone around thinks you're a lazy slob and just needs to get going.

I guess that's why it's good to be here. No one here is likely to speak to you that way.

 

[Malkanthi75]

Thank you for Support

Thank you all so much for your support and advise. Especially from a carers point of view. And no my husband doesn't know alot about the condition and he said he doesn't want to as it's my issue not his. Fair enough however a good point was brought up how much am I contributing to my recovery. It's a hard question because I really don't know how I am. I thought I was working hard by seeing professionals, I'm trying to start my own internet business (very slow) and taking up hobbies and now trying to learn as much as possible about the condition. Is there more i should be doing? I am not perfect I find that I can be negative sometimes actually alot of the time, I'm not the person my hubby met four years ago. I some times miss that person too. Does that make scense?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Malkanthi,

It makes perfect sense to me.
I have found the more "denial" I let go of the more "steps" I can see I need to do to work at management/"recovery".

I have found that a lot of the "worK" is very painful (as to be expected)..
but worth it.

Follow your own pace- what you are up to
.
(-I think of it as a really bizarre adventure- like being on an episode of "Survivor" :wink: )
-My very best to you.

 

[Joey Padula]

Hope

I really believe that it is not just your problem and it was wrong for your husband or ex husband to be to look at it that way. You say fair enough, I disagree as husband and wife you are a team, and a united front. PTSD is not just a problem that can be cured through an intense internal struggle but through the help of family friends and professional doctors. He should have helped take the load off your shoulders
by learning and understanding PTSD and helping you through it. I am sorry that he didnt. If you two do decide to stay together ask him to be an active part of your world ask him to help you find the women he married through understanding the problems she has now. I want to say that what i know has helped the loved ones around me who have suffered with PTSD is to optimistically focus on the small things that sometimes put a smile on your face. I truly believe that it is the small things like the music that we enjoy, the literature we read , the wonderful small pleasantries and escapes of life. The food we enjoy to cook. The things we like to do with are duaghters!! that is what llife is all about.

 

[Darkhorse]

Welcome Malkinthi75

Hi and welcome, im fairly new too, found this site warm and welcoming, your not alone, and hope you find the help and support you need.

 

[Malkanthi75]

Thank you. Hey dark horse my family is from Kent by the way :-)

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

Welcome to the forum :)