I am trying to be there for my wife but I am having a hard time of late. I assume its her guilt or shame but she dose not want any one to know what she is going through except for the few freinds she has let in. The problem is I am on my own. I've had to make up excuses why my wife is not with me at family gatherings. I even had to go to my sons college graduation alone. I dont want to break her trust but I dont know how much longer I can ride this out alone. Any thoughts????
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General Looking For Support
- Post starter lonetree
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PTSD isn't fair. Sometimes the right thing to do is counter-intuitive.
I'm wondering if you're worried about the wrong thing lonetree. Are you concerned with your wifes well-being and trust or are you willing to toss that in favor of those who wouldn't understand even if you told them what the problem is?
I'm wondering if you're worried about the wrong thing lonetree. Are you concerned with your wifes well-being and trust or are you willing to toss that in favor of those who wouldn't understand even if you told them what the problem is?
- Post starter
- #3
I guess I'm looking for how others in this situation handle things like family when the suffer dose not want them in. I guess it came to a head for me this week as members of her family and mine were trying to get togeather with us and I'm just running out of reasons why we cant.
Is it possible to talk to her and come up with a plausible reason for her absense? I understand that you feel in the middle. Seems you really need her input and some thought behind this as it's definately going to be an on-going problem better solved earlier. Would they believe you if you whispered that she is a spy? : )
- Post starter
- #5
I love it! thank you Adamant. I think what I really needed at the moment was a laugh. Wifes in the hospital and I spent last night alone for my birthday. My brothers and parents kept calling to take my wife and I out and I guess things just came to a head for me. I can and will talk with her again about this. See if there is anything we can do. Thanks again
amethist
VIP Member
Hi again lonetree
We all can understand how hard this is for you both to deal with. I am sorry you had to be on your own for your birthday, we can all relate to that, it is so hard not to cave in on these occasions, but we don't.
It is times like his that I realise how lucky I am, being able to tell others what is wrong with my husband and the cause of it. Not that it always makes it any easier, friends still vanish, even when they are told, and I mean old friends from years back, who you stood by when they needed help.
It takes nerves of steal some days, just to try and explain any of it in a simple way, but you still get the, "So why can't he just do it, he used to this and more", yea if it was only that easy.
As for going to things like birthdays, wedding, family gatherings, you have to learn to play it by ear. You cannot always give a reason for them not being able to go, simply because others won't/cant understand then except the reasons.
You will find a way to get round this, giving others a believable reason. Maybe AdamAnt's "Whispered Spy Explanation", could be fun to use, just tell them she is away on a mission.
Joking aside, I hope you do manage to find a solution that is acceptable for you both. If any one won't listen, tell them to back off, and take your word that it is a problem that she is dealing with and will tell them when she is ready to and not before. You may have to get tough, not that this is how we want to be, but sometimes it is the only way. Skin of a Rhino and patience of a Saint, is what we all have to learn about.
Take care of your self, it is important. If it gets too much, you can come on here and let loose, we all do that at times. We understand why you have to, and wont tell you it is wrong, it's not. When you eventually have access to the private carers section, you will be able to let the pain you are feeling a lot easier.
Hang in there is does get easier, very slowly, but it does.
Amethist
We all can understand how hard this is for you both to deal with. I am sorry you had to be on your own for your birthday, we can all relate to that, it is so hard not to cave in on these occasions, but we don't.
It is times like his that I realise how lucky I am, being able to tell others what is wrong with my husband and the cause of it. Not that it always makes it any easier, friends still vanish, even when they are told, and I mean old friends from years back, who you stood by when they needed help.
It takes nerves of steal some days, just to try and explain any of it in a simple way, but you still get the, "So why can't he just do it, he used to this and more", yea if it was only that easy.
As for going to things like birthdays, wedding, family gatherings, you have to learn to play it by ear. You cannot always give a reason for them not being able to go, simply because others won't/cant understand then except the reasons.
You will find a way to get round this, giving others a believable reason. Maybe AdamAnt's "Whispered Spy Explanation", could be fun to use, just tell them she is away on a mission.
Joking aside, I hope you do manage to find a solution that is acceptable for you both. If any one won't listen, tell them to back off, and take your word that it is a problem that she is dealing with and will tell them when she is ready to and not before. You may have to get tough, not that this is how we want to be, but sometimes it is the only way. Skin of a Rhino and patience of a Saint, is what we all have to learn about.
Take care of your self, it is important. If it gets too much, you can come on here and let loose, we all do that at times. We understand why you have to, and wont tell you it is wrong, it's not. When you eventually have access to the private carers section, you will be able to let the pain you are feeling a lot easier.
Hang in there is does get easier, very slowly, but it does.
Amethist
- Post starter
- #7
amethist
VIP Member
Your welcome lonetree.
It is not easy for any of us, but with the advice and support form here, you will be able to hopefully keep going. No one will tell you it will be an easy ride, but it can eventually slow down and be less bumpy.
Yep our sense of humour can be a bit wacky, but with out it we would find it even harder to keep going.
Amethist
It is not easy for any of us, but with the advice and support form here, you will be able to hopefully keep going. No one will tell you it will be an easy ride, but it can eventually slow down and be less bumpy.
Yep our sense of humour can be a bit wacky, but with out it we would find it even harder to keep going.
Amethist
Oh my gosh- is that ever a mouthful.
AdamAnt, you are positively correct.
Dear lonetree, I hear what you're saying and I realize you need a solution, although I think you may find better support and understanding here for the same reason AdamAnt mentioned- sometimes people wouldn't understand even if you told them what the problem is. I will however think carefully, I believe your wife and you may be able to strike a middle-ground, perhaps something like explaining it as intense fatigue (at this point)- some 'wording' she would be comfortable with. And I don't mean it as a lie, that really is only one symptom that can encompass much and frankly is (also) likely true. Perhaps for those whom she is more comfortable with or have a better understanding, she and you can elaborate on the "why-the-fatigue" part more.
But AdamAnt and yourself are totally right: sometimes the person with ptsd recognizes it's going to be grossly misunderstood or create in themselves such shame it's going to do more damage than good.
Ultimately for the most part people are living their own lives anyway and it's a bit more of curiosity-of-sorts than concern of why she may not be attending a function with you. (Not to minimize it though- I realize the impact on you and your family as you describe).
In that regard, I think ideally the more "well" she gets the more functions she will then be able to come to, etc, so whatever facilitates true healing/ management of symptoms/ increased self-esteem is likely to be the greatest benefit.
I am so sorry you were alone for your birthday, and that she is in the Hospital right now. I will try to think hard of something more concrete. In the meantime know that many people are pulling for you both here.
I too am tired of making up excuses for my husband. After 8yrs of it I no longer offer a reason. If people ask I just say oh he couldn't make it. I still am embarrassed my it and angry at it. But you learn to cope eventually. I am even learning to have fun without him around.
- Post starter
- #11
I know I'll get to a point where it will be life as usual. I have a hard time being dishonest though. I hate it when I lie to people but thats my problem not hers. Not that its right but it is what it is. I just wish I had a person I could sit with and just spill things out, see what they think. Not a T but just a friend. I wont break her trust though. I'll have to wait until she's OK with it. I do get very nervous I let something out by mistake. That keeps me on edge.
Dear lonetree I understand what you mean, I hate to lie to and it's not worth it because you feel like you've compromised yourself.
Might I suggest if possible don't: even just say something that is true but doesn't spell-it-out. No one should be asking you 20-questions, anyway. And the last thing you need is something that makes you on edge that can be altered for the better; that may be something you can control.
It truly will get easier/ make more sense. Also write here or PM, those who can will listen.
Might I suggest if possible don't: even just say something that is true but doesn't spell-it-out. No one should be asking you 20-questions, anyway. And the last thing you need is something that makes you on edge that can be altered for the better; that may be something you can control.
It truly will get easier/ make more sense. Also write here or PM, those who can will listen.
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