Supporter Looking For Support

[jill smith]

I am only just now after a year which I know isnt long realising the depth of her issues. I feel like I have been naive in thinking because I am mature and have a good deal of life experience I am strong enough to support her but having no idea the effects on me or us as a couple. I know I have been treading on egg shells up to our big fall out last week,when I look back ive been like that for a long time now.

I had no idea what space meant to her to be honest. I now see its at times ist a total retreat. Its taken a horrible upsetting situation for me to see a lot of things about her struggle even though I have really committed to trying to equip myself with knowledge about ptsd.

My sufferer has shared a huge amount of her trauma with me which is horrific and tells me she has not talked to anyone in the detail she has to me. She trusted me. Even if she forgives me am doubtful she will trust me enough to talk again. Some of the things she talked about disturbed me. I feel angry and sad for her that those responsible are still walking free. One in particular still on the perimeter of her life.

Its her telling me I have done a lot of damage by my actions that is scaring me she cant forgive me. They were drunken words and by done peoples standards probably not that bad but to her its the mere fact that I let myself get into a state to behave like that knowing how much she is struggling right now.

Initially I tried to rationalize it explaining I was upset too at her response to me being late the reason for that was I was doing something for before coming home to help her. She wanted to be alone when I got home and I was relentless in trying to get her to understand why I was late then when she said she was leaving because I wouldn't cease I told her she was selfish, its all about her and agrees she go and don't come back.

Most of this I have to say I don't remember. I had had 5drinks bit recently drink has increasingly not agrees with me..becoming argumentative where as thats never been how I become. I was upset when we initially talked about my behavior and taken aback when she suggested I don't drink alcohol at the moment. This made things worse as she now thinks I didn't take seriously how it has effected her seeing me like that.

I do realize now, I was denying things to myself because its so out of character. I have experienced to her I am struggling to support her and feel I had been letting her down already. I cant tell her some of the reasons why at the moment because its around her interaction and resonates to me. Right now she interprets most things I try say a criticism and me trying to blame her. Last weeks incident came just as I felt I was grasping things like the space she needs and how to handle that better then I go and make it 10 times worse now she doubts everything I say.

I have tried and I am still committed to being in our relationship and supporting her its just taking me time to figure out how and realize things. She feels I should of realized things quicker shes told me that.

I have an appointment next week to discuss counseling and the support group I attend meets monthly. Last one I was the only attendee and was able to discuss more personal details with the therapist ironically only 3days prior to the horrible situation that unfolded.

I am sorry this is so much information I have no one to talk or discuss things with. I feel a bit broken inside and its so hard right now.

We are not sharing a bedroom since then, she barely engages with me. I do most things at home and have continued the same. The closeness is diminishing daily. We sit together to eat a meal then shortly after she goes to what has now become her room. I don't understand what she is doing I know that makes me seem a bit stupid. She texts me with before she goes to sleep with more warmth than how she speaks to me at the moment. I am trying to focus on positive that she is doing small things like that and is still here. Its so hard though with the distance that is there now and its all my fault.

 

[Snowflakes]

@jill smith More than you know, I understand exactly what you are going through. Just recently, I started a thread asking others here if there is love without trust and that was loosely tied to my diary entries. My sufferer has gone through past trauma that was horrific. We both did things we each regret, we both said things we each regret. We did and said these things out of ignorance. I didn't know what was going on in her head and her thoughts were the demons in her past telling her that I was repeating her past.

Please don't be sorry that what you wrote was to much information. This is why you and I and all the other wonderful people are here.....so we all have someone we can talk to. This is what helps us to cope.

My sufferer and I were at the same point as you two are now. For us, the breakthrough came when my therapist called her into my session and talked to both of us through the lens of love. Deep down the therapist knew we loved each other and wanted to be together. The therapist got my sufferer to breakout of her isolation long enough to start talking.

Will it happen again? Sure it will. Managing our loved ones illness of PTSD takes a long time.....for both of us.

I cannot stress enough that it is not your fault. It may look like your actions and words irrecoverably hurt her and thus your relationship but there was no malice nor intent on your part. You didn't know. None of us here know. If we did, it would be easy and this board would not exist. The supporter section of this board is filled with people like you and I crying out in anguish wanting to know what we did wrong and how to fix it.

I don't have a specific answer that will immediately fix your relationship. The fact that you are in the same house and communicate barely means something. Keep doing what you are doing. Give her the time and space to work things out in her mind. Tell her daily you love her but don't push it. Above all, take care of you because, although it may not look that way right now, she does need you to be you and be there for her. Someone wrote here to me it's like putting your oxygen mask on first in an airplane so you have the ability to help others.

I do feel your pain. We are here for you. Take care.

 

[One step at a time]

A small note from a sufferer... I understand that a week feels very long when someone is being distant. But for me, if I am isolating, that amount of time is not at all a sign that a relationship is damaged beyond repair.

It sounds like she has really trusted you. You are responsible for the way you acted, but you are not responsible for her reaction to that night. The magnitude of her reaction is likely because she feels stressed or triggered, and that is caused by trauma. It has to do with what she has experienced in the past, and that is not your fault at all.

I don't know her, but if I trust a person as much as she trusts you, then if I felt hurt and triggered, I might need a couple weeks before I'm ready to talk, and then a couple weeks to rebuild the relationship to where it was... but she might very well be different. Your choice has to be where you set the boundary for your own sanity's sake - how long you are willing to wait for her to be ready to talk to you. It may take a while because this stuff is painful for her, but I know that makes it very painful for you.

I hope this helps.

P.S. among the supporter-related threads I've seen, this one might be particularly helpful:
For Those Who Tried To Support Me And All The Supporters Here

 

[jill smith]

@jill smith More than you know, I understand exactly what you are going through....

I cant thank you enough for sharing your experinces with me,it is helping me more than I realised it could especially right now. This morning a small break through she came through to give me a cuddle just for a few minutes but its a start. The communication hasnt changed and we are still living opposite ends of the apartment. I realise I have to be patient now more than ever.

You have helped me so much.